BONNIE TYLER (1951 - 2026): AN OBITUARY

Bonnie Tyler, the Welsh songstress whose voice sounded like gravel soaked in whisky and regret, has finally achieved the one thing her career never quite managed: universal silence. She died aged 75 in a Portuguese hospital, after complications that proved more conclusive than any record label’s marketing plan. The woman born Gaynor Hopkins in Skewen had spent decades proving that a name change and a pair of lungs roughened by surgical misfortune could turn a council-house girl into an international curiosity. 

Her breakthrough arrived with “It’s a Heartache,” a tune so cheerfully lachrymose it convinced listeners that love and indigestion were much the same thing. Then came the big one. “Total Eclipse of the Heart” - that overblown, bat-winged power ballad written by Jim Steinman - turned her into the high priestess of melodramatic darkness. Millions bought it, billions streamed it, and Tyler herself, with characteristic dry wit, admitted she earned “just about nothing” from the whole celestial circus. In the music business, even total eclipses leave the artist in the shade. 

Tyler’s great gift was sincerity wrapped in foghorn sincerity. With that magnificent rasp - the result of nodules removed and character left in - she could make the most bombastic sentiment feel like it had been dragged across a pub carpet at closing time. “Holding Out for a Hero” became the anthem for every generation that realised the cavalry was late and probably on minimum wage. She never pretended to be subtle. Subtlety was for people who hadn’t survived the 1980s with big hair and bigger shoulder pads.

Her career had its gentle descents. In 2013 the BBC, in one of those fits of patriotic optimism that usually precede sporting disappointment, sent her to Eurovision with “Believe in Me.” At 61, Tyler stood on stage in Malmö looking like a rock veteran who had taken a wrong turn at the M4 services. She came 19th. The continent, it turned out, did not entirely believe. It was a typically British result: noble effort, dignified failure, mild national embarrassment, and the quiet suspicion that nobody abroad had ever really understood us anyway. 

She outlasted most of her contemporaries by the simple expedient of refusing to go away. While lesser talents chased relevance, Tyler kept singing as if relevance were something that happened to other people. In the end, the voice that once promised total eclipse simply faded behind the clouds. The world will miss that unmistakable croak — part Janis Joplin, part colliery brass band, and entirely, defiantly, Bonnie.

DEMOCRACY GETS THROWN IN THE BIN

In the great carnival of British democracy, where the electorate periodically queues in the drizzle to affirm its sovereign right to choose between varying shades of disappointment, one finds oneself confronted by Count Binface. This metallic-headed apparition, lately elevated to the status of principal challenger in the Clacton by-election, is not merely a joke candidate. He is, as my recent correspondent so astutely observed, the avatar of the establishment parties themselves: a gleaming, galvanised monument to their collective cowardice, their preference for theatrical disdain over the messy business of actual argument. 

One pictures the great and good of Westminster, those custodians of the status quo who loathe Nigel Farage with the passion usually reserved for a tax audit, clapping their soft hands in glee. Here at last is an opponent they can safely mock without risk of rebuttal. A man in a bin requires no manifesto rebuttal; he is his own punchline. Yet even as satire, Count Binface represents a curious declension. Compare him, if you will, to the late David Edward Sutch, better known to the ages as Screaming Lord Sutch of the Monster Raving Loony Party. Lord Sutch was a proper English eccentric, a rock 'n' roll howler who understood that politics and music share the same essential quality: both are louder than they are meaningful. His policies—proposals to lower the voting age to five and put a lie detector in Parliament—were delivered with the anarchic gusto of a man who had grasped that the system was absurd and decided the only honest response was to amplify the absurdity. 

Sutch stood in dozens of elections over decades, polling respectably for a chap whose campaign headquarters appeared to be the nearest telephone box. He was, in his way, a democratic pressure valve: a protest vote for those who recognised the farce but still wished to participate in it with style. One could imagine sharing a pint with Sutch and emerging, if not enlightened, then at least entertained by tales of werewolf ancestry and floating parliament buildings. Count Binface, by contrast, is Sutch with the soul removed and replaced by focus-group polling and a faint whiff of metropolitan self-satisfaction. Where Sutch screamed, Binface smirks. Where Sutch offered policies so deranged they achieved a kind of Zen coherence, Binface offers the contemporary protest vote's preferred currency: performative knowingness. He is what happens when satire becomes institutionalised, when the court jester secures a residency at the palace and begins to imagine himself indispensable. His appeal is to that substantial portion of the electorate for whom politics has become less about conviction than about signalling one's superior detachment. "I vote Binface," such a voter announces, not because he has weighed the issues of net migration, fiscal incontinence, or cultural disintegration, but because it allows him to feel clever for five minutes while contributing precisely nothing to their resolution. It is the protest vote optimised for the low-IQ sophisticate: maximum ironic distance, minimum intellectual effort.

One must admire the economy of it. The major parties, those trembling colossi of the centre, have absented themselves from the field, leaving Farage to tilt against a recycling container. This is not democracy in action; it is democracy in abeyance. The establishment has decided that certain challenges are better met with a raised eyebrow than a counter-argument. Farage, for all his faults—and they are numerous enough to fill several bins—has at least forced them to confront the possibility that large swathes of the public have grown tired of being governed by people who regard their concerns as symptoms of moral deficiency. The response? Unleash the novelty act. Let the man in the bin have his moment. The laughter in the salons will be hearty, the coverage in the right-thinking press gently condescending. "How very British," they will coo, as if the nation’s greatest strength were its capacity for elegant self-sabotage.

This is the deeper joke, of course. Binface does not personify youthful rebellion or outsider wit; he embodies the exhausted insider's last resort. He is the political equivalent of those restaurant critics who, faced with a challenging new cuisine, declare that the real sophistication lies in appreciating the chef's ironic use of microwave meals. The voters drawn to him are not the salt of the earth registering a heartfelt protest. They are, by and large, those who find genuine conviction faintly embarrassing and prefer their dissent pasteurised and shrink-wrapped. Sutch, bless him, wanted to blow the whole thing up with laughter. Binface merely wants to prove that one can remain above it all while participating. The bin remains firmly on the head, shielding its wearer from any uncomfortable contact with reality.

In the end, one is left with a certain melancholy. British politics has always accommodated its eccentrics, from the Duke of Wellington's boots to Churchill's cigars. But there is a difference between a Lord Sutch, who mocked the system from a place of affectionate exasperation, and a Count Binface, who mocks it from within the system’s own comfortable confines. The former was a safety valve; the latter is a pressure cooker labelled "Entertainment Only." When the serious business of governance is reduced to a choice between a career disruptor and a man cosplaying as municipal waste, one begins to suspect that the real protest vote—the one that might actually change something—has already been cast, and not in favour of either. 

The bin, one fears, is not on Count Binface’s head alone. It is descending, slowly and inexorably, over the entire spectacle. And the establishment, ever so politely, is holding the lid.

IN PRAISE OF THE SAUSAGE ROLL

One contemplates, with the weary resignation of a man who has seen empires rise and fall and still found time for a decent pie, the latest bulletin from the front lines of British civilisation. A school – one of those institutions charged with the solemn duty of turning out the next generation of shoulder-to-shruggers – has banned the sausage roll. Not because it has committed some heinous crime against humanity, you understand, but in the name of “healthy eating”. The phrase itself arrives with all the solemnity of a government circular, smelling faintly of steamed broccoli and unconvincing compromise. Give the kids a break, indeed. Or rather, give them anything but the one item that has sustained the British working lunch since time immemorial.

The sausage roll is not merely food; it is a minor miracle of understatement. A modest cylinder of pastry, golden as a modest parliamentary majority, encasing a savoury sausage that knows its place. It requires no cutlery, no apology, no Instagram filter. You can eat it with one hand while holding a newspaper in the other, or while pretending to listen to your uncle’s opinions on the cricket. In its flaky, slightly greasy embrace lies the very soul of British pragmatism: something hot, portable, and unpretentious that gets the job done without making a song and dance about it. Compare this to the average modern “wellness” offering – some sad rectangle of quinoa pretending to be excited – and one begins to suspect that the war on the sausage roll is not about nutrition at all. It is about joy. And joy, as we all know, is terribly difficult to regulate.

Of course, the official reason is impeccable. Salt. Fat. The usual suspects. One pictures the committee meeting: earnest officials in lanyards, armed with charts and a touching faith in their own benevolence, deciding that the nation’s youth must be spared the horrors of a decent midday snack. Never mind that generations of British children survived on sausage rolls, fish fingers, and the occasional packet of crisps, went on to invent penicillin, win wars, and queue politely in the rain. No, the modern child must be protected from pleasure itself, lest it interfere with their future as anxious, low-cholesterol adults.

Yet one cannot help noticing – with the dry eye of a satirist who has seen this sort of thing before – that the sausage roll’s great offence is not its calorific content but its principal ingredient. Pork. That most un-Islamic of meats. Suddenly the healthy eating push takes on the faint aroma of accommodation, the quiet, relentless logic of not wanting to cause offence. Schools, canteens, and high streets have been performing these small, deniable acts of cultural subtraction for years now. A pork pie disappears here, a rasher of bacon there, all in the name of “inclusivity” or “practicality”. The sausage roll, that stubborn emblem of a pre-lanyard Britain, becomes inconvenient. Better to ban it outright than to explain to little Ahmed or little Emily why one child’s lunch is different from another’s. Far simpler to declare the whole thing unhealthy and have done with it.

This is the genius of the thing. By wrapping religious sensitivity in the bland rhetoric of public health, one achieves the perfect bureaucratic sleight of hand. Nobody is forced to say the awkward words; the sausage roll simply ceases to exist, like a cancelled comedian or an old statue that someone found embarrassing. The children, meanwhile, are left with whatever beige alternative the authorities deem sufficiently neutral – probably something involving chickpeas and the distant hope of flavour. One imagines them staring mournfully at their lunchboxes, wondering what crime the humble sausage committed to deserve such erasure.

Britain has always been rather good at this sort of thing: sacrificing small pleasures on the altar of good manners. We gave up smoking in pubs, proper tea breaks, and the right to call a spade a spade, all without much fuss. But there comes a point when even the most phlegmatic islander might raise an eyebrow. The sausage roll is not an exotic import or a niche delicacy; it is as native as rain on a bank holiday. To surrender it, not to superior firepower or economic necessity, but to the gentle pressure of not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings, feels less like tolerance and more like a slow-motion abdication.

Let us be clear, in the driest possible terms: no civilisation was ever sustained by avoiding offence. Great nations were built by people who got on with things, including eating whatever sausage happened to be available. The Romans had their garum, the French their terrines, and the British – God help us – the sausage roll. To pretend otherwise is to engage in the sort of polite self-deception that eventually hollows out a culture from within. One does not preserve harmony by pretending that pork is a hate crime. One preserves it by telling the truth, however flaky the pastry.

So here is a modest proposal, offered in the spirit of Jonathan Swift and a man who just wants his lunch: bring back the sausage roll. Not as an act of defiance, but as an act of common sense. Let the children have their flaky contraband. Let the nation remember that a people who can laugh at themselves, queue without rioting, and enjoy a decent bit of pig in puff pastry are worth preserving. If that causes a few awkward conversations in the staff room, so be it. The alternative is a future of joyless, halal-compliant beige rectangles, and a Britain that has finally succeeded in boring itself to death.

In praise of the sausage roll, then. Long may it roll – unapologetically, unhealthily, and unrepentantly British. The rest of us can always have the salad.