In the style of Daniel "Nerdcubed" Hardcastle's WWE Rapid Roster Rundowns, in order of appearance, WE HAVE:
Cyprus
Bit of a Pound Shop Shakira.
Who would have done this 1000% better sexier and better.
Albania
Instrumental and apocalyptic background borrowed from an Uwe Boll movie.
She's giving it her all. But the song is a bog standard Balkan Ballad.
Instrumental and apocalyptic background borrowed from an Uwe Boll movie.
She's giving it her all. But the song is a bog standard Balkan Ballad.
Israel
It's a light up Pretzel hat!
Princess Eugenie eat your heart out.
It's a light up Pretzel hat!
Princess Eugenie eat your heart out.
Belgium
A latter day Lulu or Stevie Nicks
Oh no. No no no.
A latter day Lulu or Stevie Nicks
Oh no. No no no.
Russia
Peak chintz, all probably on drugs.
Malta
So that's where all the pies went.
Portugal
Jeremy Irons in a hat.
Serbia
Bauble costumes and a lot of hair. So much hair.
Like every girl group since Eternal.
United Kingdom
We're f***ed.
Greece
This is the theme tune to the next season of Power Girl.
Switzerland
What. On. Earth. Are. Those. Trousers?
Gay Elvis in his fat-bloated-dead-on-the-toilet stage
Iceland
Good song, amazing jumpers.
They are all nerds.
Spain
Drop the 'S'.
Moldova
A kiss on the hand may be quite sentimental but Diamanté is a girls best friend.
The Matrix dancers in the background are waiting for the Pet Shop Boys' tour to resume.
Germany
How is she keeping a straight face?
Like a rhinestone Ukulele cowboy getting unrepeatable offers over the phone.
Finland
Bring back Lordi.
Fronted by Kimi Raikkonen.
Bulgaria
It's a nice song but not Eurovision.
Which makes a change.
Lithuania
Iceland did it better but this is more fun.
Points for enthusiasm and playfulness.
Ukraine
Tron in a petrified forest.
Someone exhumed Rod Hull and gave her Emu to wear.
France
Classy bird with classy breasts.
Azerbaijan
She'll have someone's eye out with those shoulder pads.
Norway
More KLF looking than the KLF.
Netherlands
Expressive dancer came, pranced, then sodded off.
Italy
Mötley Crüe gay tribute act.
Sweden
Good costume, crap song.
San Marino
Daft Punk should sue over the backing dancers.
UPDATE: Gay Mötley Crüe won, we got fuck all.