HOW TO ELECT A BETTER GOVERNMENT

There is near universal agreement that the Conservative Party has run its course. It passed up the opportunity to transform Britain and squandered an eighty seat majority. Not only has it failed to deliver a meaningful Brexit, it has presided over record levels of immigration – contrary to the demands of the majority of British voters. This, however, would be a lengthier post were we to discuss all the failures of the Tory government, and I'm writing this well past my bedtime.

In the grand theatre of democracy, the actors are politicians and the audience, us poor sods, are left to applaud or boo, the system of electing a government has become as predictable as a British summer rain. We all know the drill: stand in line, mark the ballot, and hope for the best, which usually amounts to getting the least worst.

Firstly, let's address the elephant in the room, or rather, the elephant in the polling booth: First Past The Post (FPTP). A system so archaic, it might as well be voting by throwing stones at effigies of the candidates. It's like choosing a fine wine by the thickness of the dust on the bottle rather than the vintage inside. Indeed, FPTP ensures that we get exactly the kind of government we deserve - one where a minority can rule over the majority with the legitimacy of a back-alley deal.

The call for reform is not new; it's been around since the time when "change" was still a shiny penny in the political discourse. Proportional Representation (PR) has been touted as the panacea for our electoral ills, but even here, we find ourselves in a maze of possibilities. PR in its many guises could be the salvation or the further complication of our already convoluted political landscape. 

Imagine, if you will, a royal commission on electoral reform. Picture a room full of bespectacled experts, each with their own pet system, debating whether the Alternative Vote (AV) could be our knight in shining armour or just another horse in the race. AV maintains the quaint constituency system but promises that MPs will be elected by a true majority, not just by the loudest shout in the room. Yet, there's the rub: bigger constituencies, less local connection, and the perpetual fear that we might just trade one set of problems for another.

Then there's the matter of politics itself, the art of the possible, as someone once said. The Labour Party, in its 2024 manifesto, seems to have embraced the idea of improving trade relations with the EU without offering much in return, a bit like asking for a second helping of pudding without finishing your meat and two veg. Brexit has left everyone - Remainers, Leavers, and the undecided - with a sense of betrayal, like a lover's quarrel that ended with both parties more confused than when they started.

On the other side, the Tories, with their manifesto, seem to have lost the plot entirely, appealing to a constituency so narrow, you'd need a microscope to find it. They've turned the Union Jack into a flag of division rather than unity, especially in Northern Ireland, where Brexit has been about as successful as a chocolate teapot.

And then there's Reform UK, with its "Contract with You" - a document so full of promises, it might as well be a fairy tale. They speak of Brexit like it's a golden goose still to be fully plucked, advocating for the revocation of EU laws like a child pulling petals off a daisy, with no thought for what grows beneath.

In Scotland, the SNP's manifesto reads like a love letter to the EU, promising to reverse Brexit's damage, while simultaneously pushing for independence, a bit like trying to hold a snowball together in the Sahara.

So, how do we elect a better government? Perhaps the answer lies not in the system but in the voters. We must become more discerning, more engaged, less swayed by the shiny rhetoric and more by the substance beneath. We must demand not just promises, but performance. We must vote not with our hearts or our fears, but with our heads and our hopes for a future where government truly represents us all, not just the loudest or the richest.

In the end, electing a better government might just require us to be better citizens, versed in the art of holding our elected officials to account, in the dance of democracy where every step counts. It's a tall order, but then again, so is democracy itself.

Failing that, there's always the Official Monster Raving Looney Party. 

THE RANTING BRUMMIE'S MASHUPS - "TERMINATORS OF THE CARRIBEAN: GEARS & GALLEONS"

In the swashbuckling and cybernetic crossover event of the century, "Pirates of the Caribbean" meets "The Terminator" in an epic tale of time-traveling adventure and high-seas hijinks.

The film opens with the infamous pirate Captain Jack Sparrow, who, while evading the British Navy, stumbles upon a hidden cave filled with ancient artefacts. Among them is a strange, metallic skull that whispers of a future where machines rule the seas. Unbeknownst to Jack, this skull is a relic from the future, sent back in time by the resistance to prevent the rise of the machines.

As Jack explores the cave's mysteries, he discovers that the metallic skull is inscribed with cryptic symbols that hint at its origin and purpose. The skull, being a futuristic device, is capable of showing prophetic visions of the future, but only to those who possess the courage to face the truth of what's to come. Jack, ever the cunning rogue, sees time travel as a means to outwit his adversaries and secure treasure that would be otherwise unattainable. He is intrigued by the idea that his actions could influence the future, but he is also wary of the responsibility that comes with such knowledge.

Meanwhile, in a post-apocalyptic future, the human resistance, led by John Connor, is on the brink of collapse under the relentless assault of the machines. In a desperate move, they send back a reprogrammed T-800 Terminator to protect the skull from falling into the hands of the machines' ancestors, the East India Trading Company, who are unwitting pawns in the creation of the future's artificial intelligence.

As the T-800 arrives in the past, it quickly crosses paths with Jack. Initially at odds, the two form an unlikely alliance when the East India Trading Company, enhanced with futuristic weapons provided by the machines, attacks them. The T-800, with its advanced combat skills, and Jack, with his cunning and bravery, fend off the attackers and set sail to find the key to destroying the future AI. The East India Trading Company, led by the cunning Lord Jeremy Starmer, becomes increasingly powerful with the advanced weaponry provided by the machines. Starmer's ambition is fuelled by the promise of ultimate control over the seas, not realizing that his actions could lead to humanity's downfall.

The T-800's arrival in the 18th century is met with confusion and fear. Its mission is clear: to ensure the survival of humanity by aiding Jack and the crew of the Black Pearl in preventing the rise of the machines. The T-800 struggles with its own programming, as it was once a machine designed for destruction, but now it must protect and preserve life at all costs.

Jack also grapples with the moral implications of time travel. He questions whether he should use this knowledge for personal gain or for the greater good. His journey is one of self-discovery, as he learns that his decisions have the power to shape history. Despite his initial reservations, Jack embraces the challenge with a sense of adventure and his trademark flair.

The T-800, a machine designed for precision, efficiency, and following orders, views Captain Jack Sparrow's unpredictable and often illogical antics with a sense of calculated bewilderment. Programmed to complete its mission with the utmost seriousness, the T-800 initially finds Jack's flamboyant and carefree behaviour to be an unnecessary complication in their quest.

However, as the story progresses, the T-800 begins to recognize the strategic value in Jack's seemingly erratic actions. Jack's ability to improvise, his creative problem-solving skills, and his knack for escaping tight situations prove beneficial more than once. The T-800 learns that there is a method to Jack's madness; his unpredictable nature makes him an asset rather than a liability.

The T-800's view of Jack evolves from one of mere tolerance to a form of respect for the pirate's unique approach to life and conflict. While the T-800 does not possess the ability to feel emotions, it does calculate the probabilities of success, and Jack's actions, while unconventional, often shift these probabilities in their favour.

Their journey takes them through treacherous waters, mythical islands, and battles against both man and machine. Along the way, they are joined by familiar faces from both franchises, including Elizabeth Swann, Will Turner and Sarah Connor, each bringing their unique skills to the fight. By the film's climax, the T-800 has adapted to Jack's style, anticipating his spontaneous plans and even incorporating some of Jack's unpredictability into its own strategies. This unlikely partnership between man and machine highlights the film's underlying message: the strength found in diversity and the power of collaboration between different beings, be they human or android.

The climax of the movie sees a grand battle on the high seas, with pirate ships, led by Jack and his crew, facing off against a fleet of machine-controlled ships from the future. As the final battle rages, the pirates and their allies face an armada of machine-controlled ships. The fight is brutal, with both sides suffering heavy losses. The T-800, realizing that the key to defeating the machines lies within itself, makes the ultimate sacrifice. It detonates a powerful electromagnetic pulse that disables the enemy fleet and erases the future from which it came.

In the aftermath, the world is forever changed. The threat of the machines is gone, but the echoes of their existence linger. As the film closes, Jack, now in possession of knowledge of the future, sets off to new adventures, his destiny forever intertwined with the fate of the world, both past and future.

This crossover brings together the best of both worlds, combining the charm and wit of "Pirates of the Caribbean" with the gritty, action-packed intensity of "The Terminator" series. It's a tale of robots and rogues, cannons and cyborgs, and above all, the timeless battle for freedom on the open seas. Get ready to set sail on an adventure like no other!

"I'll be back ... savvy?!"