STARMER: THE GREATEST SHOWMAN ( … OF INEPTITUDE)

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, to witness the grand performance of Sir Keir Starmer, our Prime Minister, who has at last deigned to notice the Casey report—emerging from a decade-long slumber like a somnambulist who’s tripped over a spotlight while dreaming of Labour’s eternal glory. Once the lofty Director of Public Prosecutions, a man you’d think might spot a scandal the size of a small continent, Starmer has instead perfected the art of looking baffled, as if the Rotherham abuse dossier were a cryptic crossword clue he’s yet to decipher with his trusty biro.

Let’s rewind to 2014, when Starmer penned a Guardian article on Rotherham with all the gravitas of a man who’d just discovered tea stains on his desk. Back then, the scale of the abuse was a neon sign flashing “Do Something,” yet our hero dithered like a debutante at her first ball, more concerned with the hem of his political frock than the cries of the victims. Now, a decade later, he blinks into the limelight, claiming ignorance with the innocence of a choirboy caught with a slingshot—except this choirboy’s been running the country and turning a blind eye to a horror show that would make Dante blush.

But fear not, for Starmer is not alone in this cavalcade of incompetence. His cabinet, a rogues’ gallery of nodding dogs and yes-men, rivals the Keystone Cops in their slapstick evasion. Take the Home Secretary, who’s spent more time polishing her title than addressing the rot beneath it, or the Justice Minister, who seems to think “justice” is a quaint notion best left to Victorian novels. Together, they form a chorus line of apathy, pirouetting around the truth with the grace of elephants on roller skates, all while the Labour Party claps from the sidelines like indulgent parents at a talent-free school play.

Why, you ask, has this inquiry been shunned? Oh, the excuses are a masterclass in creative cowardice. Starmer opines that it might “undermine efforts” to implement the Jay Report, as if justice were a delicate soufflé that collapses under scrutiny. Then there’s the gem about victims not wanting to speak—conveniently overlooking the fact they’ve been screaming into the void for years, only to be met with the Labour Party’s soundproofed sanctimony. And the pièce de résistance: “Extremists might exploit it.” Yes, nothing screams “leadership” like letting imaginary bogeymen dictate policy, as if Starmer’s government were a haunted house run by a committee of timid ghosts.

This, dear reader, is the Labour Party in its current incarnation—a ship of fools captained by a man who’d struggle to navigate a puddle, crewed by a cabinet that thinks governance is a game of pass-the-parcel with the buck always landing elsewhere. Their strategy? Bury the scandal under a mountain of platitudes, hoping the public’s memory is as short as a soundbite. It’s a performance so exquisitely inept it could headline at the Edinburgh Fringe—if only they’d admit they’re the punchline.

Let’s not mince words: Starmer’s tenure is less a premiership than a prolonged audition for the role of Neville Chamberlain’s understudy, complete with an umbrella and a speech about “peace in our time” that translates to “inaction in our decade.” His cabinet, meanwhile, is a parade of mediocrity—each member a walking testament to the Peter Principle, promoted to their level of incompetence and then some. And the Labour Party? Once a beacon of working-class grit, it’s now a tepid bureaucracy, more obsessed with its own image than the people it purports to serve, a political equivalent of a heritage railway that’s run out of steam.

The victims, of course, are the forgotten extras in this tragicomedy. While Starmer and his troupe rehearse their lines, these souls are left waiting—like theatre-goers who’ve paid full price for a play where the lead actor has forgotten his script and the stagehands are on strike. The abuse scandals, particularly Rotherham’s grim legacy, deserve a reckoning, but instead, they get a masterclass in procrastination from a Prime Minister who’d rather rearrange deck chairs on the Titanic than steer it away from the iceberg.

So here we stand, June 2025, with a Labour government that’s less a lion of justice than a lamb of convenience, bleating about integrity while dodging responsibility with the agility of a sloth on a treadmill. Starmer’s legacy, if we can call it that, will be a monument to missed opportunities—a statue of a man peering through his fingers at a crisis he helped prolong. As for his cabinet and party, they’re welcome to their self-congratulatory backslapping, but the rest of us will be over here, applauding the only performance worthy of note: the slow-motion collapse of a government that never quite got the memo about governing.

THE DEATH OF BRITAIN

Oh, what a spectacle we’ve been served today, courtesy of the House of Commons—a tragicomedy so bleak it might make even Dante weep into his cornflakes. Once upon a time, Britain was the sort of nation that nursed the sick, shielded the weak, and stood sentinel at life’s fragile edges with a stiff upper lip and a cup of tea. Now? We’re debating whether to turn doctors into grim reapers and the state into a soulless abattoir, all under the sanctimonious banner of “dignity in dying.” Spare me the legislative silk; this is bureaucratised euthanasia, a bill so drenched in despair it could drown a nation’s soul.

Let’s strip away the euphemisms, shall we? This Terminally Ill Adults (End of Life) Bill—bless its cold, calculating heart—proposes that some lives are simply too tiresome to sustain. The criteria? Terminal illness, a six-month countdown, a nod to “mental competence” (as if a panel of psychiatrists could weigh a soul), and a rubber stamp from two doctors in a fortnight. Death, dispensed like a prescription for indigestion. Progress, they call it. I call it a surrender to the abyss, orchestrated by a Labour government so inept, so craven, so utterly undeserving of the reins of power that it might as well be a troupe of clowns juggling Molotov cocktails.

And who’s the ringmaster of this dismal circus? Step forward, Keir Starmer—oh, what a pitiful figure you cut, you hollowed-out husk of a leader. With your sanctimonious smirk and your poll-driven cowardice, you’ve turned Westminster into a mausoleum of moral bankruptcy. This is your legacy, Keir: you are a man so devoid of spine that you'd sign away the elderly, the disabled, the defeated, all while preening about compassion. Compassion? It’s a license to kill, wrapped in your clammy hands. Autonomy? A blank cheque for violence against the divine spark in every human, scribbled by a Prime Minister who couldn’t find principle with a map and a flashlight. Control? You’re not controlling life or death—you’re controlling the timetable, as if you, Keir, were some petty godling with a clipboard, too timid to face the messiness of existence.

It begins, as these things always do, with the tear-jerking tale—the terminal diagnosis, the public sob story, the earnest plea. But mark my words, it ends with coercion, corruption, and a cultural drift from care to killing, all under your watch, you spineless architect of decline. Today it’s six months to live; tomorrow it’s mental distress. Today it’s choice; tomorrow it’s expectation. Today it’s terminal illness; tomorrow it’s “too much of a burden.” The slope isn’t slippery—it’s a greased chute, engineered by a government too cowardly to build a society worth living in.

Look to Belgium, where they’ve taken to euthanising teenagers with the casual efficiency of a factory line, or Canada, where the disabled are offered death when your ideological kin refuse them a roof. This isn’t theory; it’s a ledger of shame, and you, Keir, with your vacant stare and your Ipsos-approved approval ratings, are scribbling the next entry. A society that no longer believes in truth, nation, or life itself—why should we expect restraint from you? What once was sacred is now situational, thanks to your fumbling, unworthy stewardship. What once was duty is now “choice,” a word you wield like a dagger while hiding behind parliamentary procedure.

This isn’t modernity, Keir—it’s moral collapse, and you’re its poster boy, a man so tragically unfit for power that you'd dignify death as an answer to suffering rather than muster the courage to offer support. What civilisation boasts of preserving statues while signing away its most vulnerable? What state, under your flaccid leadership, trades its dignity for a vote count? When this bill passes—and oh, how it stings to predict it—something ancient will die in Britain, something no chamber, no court, no poll can resurrect. Not just life, but the very idea that life is worth the struggle, even at its bleakest.

And you, Keir Starmer, will stand there, hands wringing, as the door swings open to this power— a power the state will never relinquish, only expand. From that death, we may never recover, and the saddest part? It’s overseen by a government, and a man, too feeble, too craven, to deserve the name of leadership. Let the vote be cast. Let the Commons wail. But know this: the soul of Britain slips away, and you, Keir, are its undertaker.

THE RANTING BRUMMIE REVIEWS: "BALLERINA - FROM THE WORLD OF JOHN WICK" (2025)

In the neon-drenched, bullet-riddled cosmos of John Wick, where every shadow conceals a contract killer and every gold coin buys a body bag, a new star ascends to spin her own tale of vengeance. Ballerina: From the World of John Wick, introduces Ana de Armas as Eve Macarro, a ballerina-assassin trained in the Ruska Roma’s peculiar academy of dance and death. De Armas, with her luminous presence and lethal grace, is the film’s pulsing heart, a vision of ferocity and finesse who commands the screen as if she were born to wield both a tutu and a tommy gun.

Whether she’s dispatching goons with a pair of ice skates repurposed as nunchucks or facing down a flamethrower-wielding brute in a climax that feels like a fever dream of Michael Bay’s excesses, de Armas is electrifying. She moves with a scrappy, strategic ferocity, distinct from Keanu Reeves’s stoic precision as John Wick, embodying the film’s mantra to “fight like a girl” with a blend of guile and grit. Her beauty, too, is a weapon: her wide, expressive eyes convey a haunted rage, a flicker of the orphaned girl beneath the assassin’s armour. In a franchise that often fetishizes its violence, de Armas brings a flicker of humanity, a pulse of emotional truth that makes Eve more than just a killing machine.

Yet, for all de Armas’s brilliance, the film around her feels like a lesser shadow of its predecessors. The plot is a threadbare tapestry of vengeance, stitched together from scraps of the John Wick template. Eve, orphaned after her father’s murder by the Chancellor (Gabriel Byrne, underused and underwhelming), is taken in by the Ruska Roma, trained by the stern Director (Anjelica Huston), and set on a path to slaughter those who wronged her. It’s a story we’ve seen before, not just in John Wick but in countless revenge flicks from Kill Bill to La Femme Nikita. The script, weighed down by expository dialogue and half-baked subplots, lacks the lean elegance of the original John Wick, which knew its simplicity was its strength. Ballerina tries to expand the Wick-verse’s mythology but ends up tangled in its own lore, with references to the Continental and the Ruska Roma feeling more like brand obligations than organic storytelling.

The film’s very existence raises a question that Barry Norman, with his rapier wit and skeptic’s eye, might have skewered: why does this need to be? The John Wick series, now four films deep and grossing over a billion dollars, has already stretched its premise thin, its once-fresh world of bespoke assassins and arcane rules growing creaky with each sequel. Keanu Reeves’s cameo as John Wick, though brief, still overshadows Eve’s story, as if the filmmakers feared de Armas alone couldn’t carry the weight on her slender shoulders. The reshoots reportedly overseen by John Wick director Chad Stahelski only deepen the sense that Ballerina is a film caught between two masters—Wiseman’s pulpy instincts and the franchise’s rigid formula—resulting in a product that feels neither bold nor necessary.

Ironically the heart aches for what might have been. De Armas’s star turn here only sharpens the longing for a different kind of spin-off, built on her electrifying performance as Paloma in No Time to Die, where de Armas stole the show in a mere twelve minutes, her Cuban CIA agent a whirlwind of charm, wit, and lethal efficiency. Paloma was a revelation: playful yet deadly, her chemistry with Daniel Craig’s James Bond crackling with a platonic warmth that felt fresh in a franchise often mired in romantic clichés. A Paloma spin-off would have been a chance to explore a new corner of the Bond universe, one infused with de Armas’s infectious enthusiasm and physical prowess, unburdened by the John Wick series’ increasingly convoluted mythology. Instead, Ballerina, a film that, while showcasing de Armas’s action-hero credentials, traps her in a narrative that feels like a cover version of a song we’ve heard too many times.

The action, to be fair, is a saving grace. Wiseman, a veteran of Underworld and Live Free or Die Hard, delivers set pieces that are as inventive as they are absurd: Eve wielding a firehose, smashing plates over heads, or engaging in a flamethrower duel that defies all logic but dazzles the senses. Yet even these sequences, thrilling as they are, can’t fully compensate for the film’s narrative shortcomings. The ballet motif, promised by the title, is little more than a garnish, with Eve’s dance training barely informing her combat style or the story’s emotional core. 

In the end, Ballerina is a paradox: a film elevated by Ana de Armas’s radiant, ruthless performance yet diminished by its rote plotting and questionable raison d’être. She proves she’s more than capable of leading an action franchise, her star power undimmed even as she’s battered by brutes and buried in clichés. But the film feels like a missed opportunity, a detour in a universe that’s already running low on fuel. Ballerina is a spectacle that satisfies in bursts but leaves one pining for a different dance entirely—one where Ana de Armas, unchained from this franchise’s baggage, could truly soar.

THE GREAT RESET: A PLAN DOOMED TO FLOP

Let us, for a moment, don our tinfoil hats and peer into the crystal ball of global ambition, where the World Economic Forum’s “Great Reset” glimmers like a disco ball at a funeral. This grandiose scheme, touted by besuited visionaries in Davos, promises to remake the world in the image of a sustainable, equitable utopia. It’s a PowerPoint presentation so glossy it could blind a bat, yet it’s destined to crash harder than a tech bro’s cryptocurrency portfolio. Why, you ask? Because the Great Reset, for all its high-minded rhetoric, is a top-down fantasy that underestimates the stubborn, messy, gloriously uncooperative nature of humanity. Allow me to dissect this looming fiasco with the precision of a surgeon wielding a butter knife.

First, let’s address the sheer audacity of the name: “The Great Reset.” It’s the kind of title you’d give a sci-fi reboot nobody asked for, like Terminator 17: Rise of the Spreadsheets. The phrase alone reeks of hubris, implying that the world’s complexities—its cultures, economies, and cantankerous individuals—can be rebooted like a dodgy laptop. Klaus Schwab, the WEF’s high priest, and his coterie of corporate oracles envision a world where we all “own nothing and be happy,” a slogan so dystopian it could double as the tagline for a Black Mirror episode. The plan, in essence, calls for a reengineering of society: green economies, digital surveillance, stakeholder capitalism, and a vague promise of fairness, all orchestrated by the same elites who brought us tax havens and private jets. One can’t help but marvel at the irony of billionaires preaching austerity while sipping vintage Krug at 30,000 feet.

The first nail in the Great Reset’s coffin is its profound disconnect from the hoi polloi. The architects of this brave new world seem to believe that people—those pesky, opinionated creatures—will simply nod along to a manifesto cooked up in a Swiss ski resort. But humans, bless their contrary hearts, have a habit of rejecting blueprints drawn by those who wouldn’t know a bus timetable from a balance sheet. The Reset’s proponents assume a universal yearning for their vision of sustainability and collectivism, yet they’ve clearly never queued for a lukewarm pint in a British pub or haggled in a Moroccan souk. People don’t just want stuff; they want their stuff—their homes, their cars, their tatty brown sofas with the dog’s chew marks. The idea that we’ll all gleefully trade property for a subscription-based existence (rent your fridge, lease your toothbrush!) ignores the primal human urge to own something tangible, even if it’s just a garden shed with a dodgy roof.

Then there’s the small matter of trust, or rather, the complete lack thereof. The Great Reset asks us to place our faith in institutions—governments, corporations, NGOs—that have spent decades perfecting the art of disappointment. These are the same entities that gave us the 2008 financial crash, endless wars, and a social media algorithm that thinks you need a discount air fryer at 3 a.m. The WEF’s call for “stakeholder capitalism,” where corporations supposedly prioritize society over profit, is particularly rich. One imagines CEOs, fresh from dodging taxes in the Caymans, suddenly gripped by an altruistic fever. Forgive the cynicism, but when a multinational with a sweatshop problem starts banging on about “equity,” it’s less a Damascus moment than a rebranding exercise. The public, battered by decades of broken promises, isn’t likely to swoon at the prospect of more top-down control, especially when it’s dressed up as progress.

Let’s not overlook the Reset’s technological fetishism, either. The plan leans heavily on the Fourth Industrial Revolution—AI, blockchain, digital IDs, and other buzzwords that sound like they were generated by a Silicon Valley jargon bot. The pitch is seductive: a hyper-connected world where everything is tracked, optimized, and sanitized for your convenience. But convenience has a dark side, and the average punter isn’t keen on living in a panopticon. The idea of digital IDs tied to your health, finances, and carbon footprint might thrill a technocrat, but it sends shivers down the spine of anyone who’s ever lost their phone in a taxi. The backlash against surveillance is already brewing—look at the uproar over vaccine passports or China’s social credit system. People may love their smartphones, but they draw the line at being microchipped like a pedigree spaniel.

And then there’s the cultural quagmire. The Great Reset’s vision of a homogenized, green-tinted future assumes that the world’s 8 billion souls share the same values. Tell that to the truckers in Canada, the farmers in India, or the small-town voters in Ohio who’ve made it clear they’d rather wrestle a bear than embrace a globalist agenda. The Reset’s one-size-fits-all approach ignores the glorious chaos of human diversity—our languages, traditions, and stubborn insistence on doing things our way. Try convincing a Texan to swap their pickup for an electric scooter, or a Parisian to give up their baguette for a lab-grown protein patty. Good luck. The world isn’t a spreadsheet; it’s a riot of competing desires, and no amount of TED Talks will change that.

The Reset’s environmental ambitions, while noble in theory, also trip over their own sanctimony. Who doesn’t want clean air and polar bears frolicking on ice caps? But the path to net-zero is paved with impracticalities. Shutting down coal plants overnight sounds grand until you’re the one shivering in a blackout. And the push for “sustainable” lifestyles often feels like a lecture from people who fly private to climate conferences. The hypocrisy grates, and the public notices. Posts on X, that digital agora where outrage thrives, are rife with scepticism about green mandates. One user quipped, “The Great Reset: where you eat bugs, and they eat caviar.” The sentiment captures a broader truth: people resent being told to tighten their belts while the elites feast.

Finally, the Great Reset underestimates the human spirit’s allergy to control. History is littered with the wreckage of grand plans—communism, prohibition, New Coke—all undone by the unpredictable, defiant nature of Homo sapiens. We’re a species that invents fire, builds pyramids, and argues over pineapple on pizza. We don’t take kindly to being herded. The Reset’s architects might dream of a world where we all march in lockstep toward their utopia, but they’ve forgotten the first rule of human nature: if you build it, we’ll probably set it on fire just to see what happens.

In the end, the Great Reset will fail not just because it’s nakedly evil, but because it’s absurdly optimistic about human compliance. It’s a plan that assumes people are cogs, not agents; pawns, not players. The world’s rejection will come not in a single, dramatic revolt, but in a thousand small acts of defiance: the farmer who keeps his diesel tractor, the coder who sidesteps the digital ID, the family that refuses to rent their dreams from a corporate landlord. The Great Reset will crumble under the weight of its own arrogance, a monument to the folly of thinking you can reboot a species that’s been crashing and rebooting itself for millennia. 

As for Klaus and his Davos disciples, they’ll retreat to their chalets, muttering about the ungrateful masses. And the masses? They’ll keep muddling through, as they always have, with a pint, a prayer, and a healthy dose of bloody-mindedness.

THE RANTING BRUMMIE AND THE GREAT REPACKING

Picture, if you will, the United Kingdom as a lifeboat, bobbing precariously on the choppy seas of modernity. It’s a sturdy vessel, built on centuries of drizzle, defiance, and an unhealthy obsession with queuing. But lately, the boat’s been taking on water, weighed down by an influx of young foreign males who, we’re told, are essential to the nation’s vibrancy. The solution, whispered in polite circles and shouted on X, is mass remigration—a policy so obvious it’s like prescribing paracetamol for a hangover. Yet, like all sensible ideas, it’s bound to be drowned out by the screeching of those who think borders are just lines on a map and national identity is a suggestion, not a necessity. Allow me, in the sardonic spirit of Clive James, to explain why sending a good many of these lads back to whence they came is not just desirable but as inevitable as a British summer washout.

Let’s start with the numbers, shall we? The UK, a damp rock roughly the size of a large Tesco car park, is home to 67 million souls, many of whom are already jostling for space in a country where the trains don’t run on time and the NHS waiting list is longer than a Tolstoy novel. Into this crowded tableau have poured waves of young men, often from places where the sun shines harder and the rule of law is more of a guideline. Official figures are as reliable as a tabloid headline, but migration data suggests net inflows of hundreds of thousands annually, with a hefty chunk being males aged 18-35. These aren’t the huddled masses yearning to breathe free; they’re often strapping chaps with smartphones and a vague plan to “make it big” in London, Birmingham, or wherever the Jobcentre’s still handing out forms.

Now, don’t misunderstand me. Immigration, in moderation, is the spice in Britain’s cultural curry. The Huguenots wove silk, the Windrush generation brought calypso, and the Poles fixed our plumbing. But the current crop? Too many seem less interested in contributing to the national tapestry than in fraying it. Crime stats, those inconvenient truths, paint a grim picture. In London, where knives seem to have developed a life of their own, young foreign males are disproportionately represented in violent crime figures—stabbings, robberies, the kind of thing that makes you miss the days when the worst offense was littering. X posts from exasperated locals lament “no-go zones” in once-quiet towns, and while the term’s exaggerated, the sentiment isn’t. When your nan can’t walk to the Co-op without clutching her pepper spray, something’s gone awry.

The economic argument for keeping these fellows is flimsier than a supermarket carrier bag. We’re told they’re vital to the workforce, propping up industries like construction and hospitality. But let’s be honest: the UK’s unemployment rate hovers around 4%, and there’s no shortage of homegrown lads who’d happily pour your pint or lay your bricks if the welfare system didn’t make idleness so cushy. The idea that we need an endless supply of foreign baristas to keep the Pret A Mangers of this land humming is as absurd as suggesting we import chefs to perfect the art of beans on toast. Meanwhile, housing—already a pipe dream for anyone under 40—is squeezed tighter than a commuter on the Northern Line. Every new arrival needs a bed, and with council flats rarer than a sunny bank holiday, the strain’s palpable. The Great British Dream of a semi-detached with a garden is now a fantasy reserved for lottery winners and oligarchs.

Then there’s the cultural conundrum, a topic so prickly it makes a cactus look cuddly. Integration, that buzzword beloved of think tanks, assumes everyone’s keen to swap their ancestral ways for a love of Strictly Come Dancing and a Sunday roast. Yet many young foreign males, particularly from less compatible climes, seem to view British values as optional extras, like pineapple on a pizza. Sharia patrols in Luton, grooming gangs in Rotherham, and the odd riot over a cartoon—these aren’t the fruits of a harmonious melting pot but warning signs of a pot that’s boiled over. The British, for all their faults, are a tolerant lot, but tolerance has its limits, and when your high street starts resembling a souk with worse customer service, people get tetchy. X is ablaze with tales of cultural drift, from mosques louder than Glastonbury to schools where English is the second language. The social contract, that unwritten agreement to muddle along together, frays when one side seems to be reading from a different book entirely.

The logistics of mass remigration sound daunting, but only to those who think bureaucracy is a personality trait. Step one: stop the boats. Not with hugs and hot cocoa, but with a navy that remembers it’s not just for ceremonial flypasts. Step two: enforce existing laws. Half the problem is illegal overstays, yet deportations are rarer than a punctual train. In 2024, the Home Office managed to send back a measly 10,000 people, a figure so pathetic it’s practically performance art. Step three: incentivize departure. Offer a plane ticket and a parting gift—say, a commemorative tea towel—and many might find their homeland’s charms suddenly irresistible. The alternative is grim: a UK where social cohesion erodes faster than a seaside cliff, and where “community tensions” becomes code for “we can’t talk about it, but we all know what’s happening.”

The opposition to remigration, of course, will be louder than a hen do in Blackpool. The progressive set, clutching their oat milk lattes, will cry “racism” faster than you can say “border control.” But this isn’t about race; it’s about numbers, compatibility, and the right of a nation to say, “Sorry, mate, we’re full.” The same voices wailing about diversity’s wonders rarely live in the neighborhoods where its challenges are starkest. Meanwhile, the corporate class loves cheap labor, but even they might balk when their leafy suburbs start feeling the pinch. The public, though, gets it. Polls—those pesky snapshots of reality—show growing support for tougher migration policies, with YouGov reporting 60% of Brits want reduced immigration. X users, less diplomatic, put it bluntly: “Send them back before we’re all living in Calais.”

The necessity of mass remigration boils down to a simple truth: a nation is not a charity, nor a flophouse for the world’s wanderers. The UK, with its creaking infrastructure and overstretched goodwill, can’t absorb endless arrivals without losing what makes it, well, the UK. The alternative is a slow-motion surrender, where fish and chips give way to shawarma, and “God Save the King” is drowned out by a thousand competing anthems. So let’s be bold, let’s be British, and let’s politely but firmly show these young men the door. They’ll survive—most have phones with better GPS than a Spitfire pilot. And we’ll survive, too, with a bit more room to breathe, a bit more of our island’s soul intact, and perhaps a renewed appreciation for the simple joy of a quiet pint in a pub that still feels like home.

THE GREAT BRITISH BATTERING: A CALL TO ARMS

The United Kingdom, that green and pleasant land of warm beer, soggy chips, and the kind of weather that makes you question the existence of a loving God, is under siege. Not from the French this time—though they’re always a convenient scapegoat when the tea runs cold—but from something far more insidious. Our very society, our identity, the nature of our spirit, our unity, and that quiet pride we once had in ourselves and our nation, have been taking a battering so relentless it makes the Blitz look like a gentle pat on the back. We’re not talking about a few cracks in the pavement here; this is the kind of assault that leaves the edifice of Britishness looking like a sandcastle at high tide. And yet, as the waves of change crash in, we’re told to smile, sip our lukewarm PG Tips, and pretend it’s all part of some grand multicultural tapestry. Well, I’ve seen tapestries, and this one’s starting to look like it was woven by a drunk spider with a grudge.

Let’s be clear: the character of this nation—once a sturdy blend of stoicism, sarcasm, and an unhealthy obsession with queuing—has been under sustained attack. You can feel it in the air, thicker than the fog that used to blanket London before we swapped coal fires for electric cars. Our history, our heritage, our culture, all those things we used to quietly cherish while complaining about the cricket, are being dismantled with the kind of efficiency you’d expect from a German engineering firm. But instead of precision tools, the demolition crew seems to be armed with buzzwords, hashtags, and a moral superiority that makes you want to chuck a scone at the nearest self-righteous activist. Britishness itself—once a concept so solid you could build an empire on it (and, er, we did)—is now treated like a dirty word, something to be apologised for in hushed tones at international conferences. And if you dare to suggest that perhaps, just perhaps, there’s something worth preserving in our traditions, you’re likely to be labelled a dinosaur, a bigot, or worse, a Brexiteer.

So, what’s a beleaguered Brit to do? Storm the barricades with a pitchfork and a Union Jack? Tempting, I’ll admit, especially if the barricades are blocking the queue at Greggs. But no, violence isn’t the answer—partly because we’re British, and the closest we get to aggression is tutting loudly at someone who’s jumped the line, and partly because it’s 2025, and the pitchforks have all been replaced by artisanal forks for avocado toast. Instead, we must push back, but with the kind of thoughtfulness that separates us from the barbarians at the gate—or at least the ones who think pineapple belongs on pizza. This isn’t about following the loudest voice in the room, the one shouting the most inflammatory rhetoric while waving a flag so tattered it looks like it’s been through a woodchipper. Nor is it about chasing the latest headline, those clickbait traps designed to make you angry enough to share but not smart enough to think. And for the love of all that is holy (or at least all that is mildly Anglican), don’t follow the egos, those preening peacocks who lead not for you, not for the nation, but for their own Instagram likes, their party’s poll numbers, or some half-baked ideology they picked up at a TED Talk.

No, my dear, damp, and slightly disgruntled compatriots, we must follow the substance, not the soundbites. We must dig into the detail, not the drama. And we must seek out the real servants of this nation—those rare, mythical creatures who lead for the United Kingdom, for its people, for its future, and not for their own puffed-up sense of status. If you’re looking for a leader, don’t settle for anyone who can’t tell you exactly where they’re taking you. I mean, would you get on a bus with a driver who says, “I’m not sure where we’re going, but trust me, it’ll be great”? Of course not—you’d rather walk, even if it means trudging through the rain in your least waterproof anorak. So why would you follow a politician who hasn’t shared a clear vision for this country, for you, for your family, for the very soul of the nation? If they can’t articulate where we’re headed, they’re either clueless or hiding something, and neither option inspires confidence. Frankly, I’d rather trust a satnav with a broken screen than a leader with a hidden agenda.

Now, here’s the tricky bit. What if you look around—this soggy, beleaguered island of ours—and find no one you can trust to lead? What if every candidate, councillor, and MP seems more interested in their own career than in the country’s future? What if the political parties are so busy fighting each other that they’ve forgotten what they’re fighting for? Well, then, don’t follow anyone. Yes, you heard me. Don’t. Just… wait. I know, I know—waiting isn’t exactly the British way. We’re the nation that invented the queue, after all, but we like our queues to move, preferably at a brisk pace so we can get back to complaining about the weather. But sometimes, waiting is the wisest course. Think of it as a strategic pause, a moment to sip your tea and glare suspiciously at the horizon while the political landscape sorts itself out.

But—and this is a big but, not to be confused with the kind you’d find in a tabloid headline—don’t be idle while you wait. Sitting on your hands is for amateurs, and we’re British, damn it, which means we’ve got a long history of doing something even when we’re doing nothing. So, here’s your three-point plan to keep the flame of Britishness burning while the powers-that-be figure out if they’ve got a spine worth mentioning. First, show your anger at every opportunity, but without violence or aggression. This is the British way, after all—we’re masters of the passive-aggressive. Write a strongly worded letter. Raise an eyebrow at the right moment. Mutter “disgraceful” under your breath when someone suggests replacing the monarchy with a reality TV show. Let them know you’re displeased, but do it with the kind of restraint that makes them wonder if you’re about to apologise for being so upset.

Second, resist—peacefully, of course—every attempt to denigrate, dismantle, or otherwise assault our history, heritage, culture, character, and spirit as Britons. This doesn’t mean chaining yourself to a statue of Winston Churchill, though I’m sure he’d appreciate the sentiment. It means standing firm when someone tries to tell you that Britishness is outdated, or that our traditions are somehow offensive, or that we should be ashamed of who we are. Resist the urge to apologise for existing. Resist the creeping tide of cultural erasure that wants to replace fish and chips with quinoa and kale smoothies. Resist, in short, the idea that we must dismantle everything that makes us us in the name of progress. Progress is fine—I’m all for it, especially if it means faster broadband—but it shouldn’t come at the cost of our soul.

Third, and this is where it gets fun, tell everyone in power what you expect and demand of them. Tell the candidates, the councillors, the MPs, the political parties, the government—tell them all. Write to them. Tweet at them. Corner them at the village fete while they’re pretending to care about the WI’s jam competition. Be clear, be specific, and be unrelenting. Tell them you want a country that remembers what it means to be British, that values its history without being shackled by it, that looks to the future without forgetting the past. Tell them you want leaders who serve the nation, not their own egos. And if they don’t listen, well, keep telling them. We’re British—we’ve got the stamina for a good, long grumble.

If you do these things—show your anger, resist peacefully, and demand better from those who claim to lead us—something will emerge. A leader, a movement, a spark of hope, something to rally around that isn’t just another empty promise or a shiny new slogan. But if you don’t wait, if you rush headlong into following the loudest voice or the most charismatic ego, even if they’re only partially on the wrong side of what’s right, you’ll likely smother that chance before it can breathe. You’ll hand power to those who don’t deserve it, who’ll use your support to prop up their own ambitions while the best hope for this nation withers in the shadows. And then we’ll all be left standing in the rain, clutching our soggy sandwiches, wondering where it all went wrong.

So, my fellow Brits, let’s take a stand—thoughtfully, carefully, with a cup of tea in one hand and a healthy dose of skepticism in the other. Let’s push back against the battering of our identity, not with fists but with fortitude, not with rage but with reason. Let’s demand better, resist the worst, and wait for the best. Because if we don’t, we might just find ourselves living in a country that’s British in name only—and that, my friends, would be the greatest defeat of all. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a queue to join. It’s probably going nowhere, but at least I’ll have something to complain about.

THE RANTING BRUMMIE REVIEWS: "LOVE ISLAND" (2025)

In the grand pantheon of televisual inanities, where the gods of banality hurl thunderbolts of mediocrity, Love Island reigns as a kind of sunburnt Sodom, a glistening monument to the human capacity for self-delusion. This is not a show but a sociological experiment gone rogue, a Petri dish where bronzed specimens of dubious authenticity writhe under the Balearic sun, chasing not love but the fleeting dopamine hit of Instagram verification. To call it a dating show is to call a landfill a sculpture garden. It is, instead, a masterclass in orchestrated vacuity, a parade of waxed torsos and vacant gazes, all narrated with the breathless urgency of a war correspondent embedded in a bikini waxing salon.

The opening episode of Love Island 2025, aired on ITV2 on June 2, is a triumph of form over substance, a 90-minute spectacle that feels like being trapped in a perfume advert directed by a sentient protein shake. We are whisked back to the Mallorca villa, a gaudy pleasure dome where every surface gleams with the promise of sponsored content. The host, Maya Jama, strides in with the confidence of a woman who knows her Instagram followers outnumber the population of a small nation. She is the show’s high priestess, delivering platitudes about “finding love” with the conviction of a car salesman flogging a lemon. Her presence is a reminder that Love Island is less about romance than real estate: the real prize is not a partner but a plot in the influencer economy.

The contestants - or “Islanders,” as they’re branded with Orwellian precision - enter one by one, each a carefully curated archetype. There’s the lad with a jawline sharp enough to slice prosciutto, the lass with a pout that could launch a thousand lip fillers, the rogue with a tribal tattoo and a backstory about “not being ready to settle down.” Their introductions are a litany of clichés: “I’m here for a laugh,” says one; “I want someone who gets my vibe,” says another, as if “vibe” were a personality trait and not a setting on a vape pen. The show’s creative director, Mike Spencer, promised a “never-been-done-before” twist, and true to form, the coupling mechanism has been tweaked. This time, the Islanders rank themselves on “boyfriend/girlfriend material,” a process as scientific as a horoscope and twice as humiliating. The result? Pairs formed not by chemistry but by a algorithm of mutual vanity, a kind of romantic Sudoku solved by people who can’t spell “Sudoku.”

What follows is a parade of inauthenticity so blatant it borders on performance art. The Islanders are not people but products, their every gesture calibrated for maximum screen time. Conversations are less dialogues than dueling monologues, each participant reciting lines that sound scripted by a chatbot trained on TikTok captions. “I’m just keeping it real,” says one lad, as he adjusts his man-bun with the precision of a Swiss watchmaker. “I’m all about loyalty,” declares a lass, her eyes darting to the camera like a politician dodging a scandal. The show’s editors, those unsung alchemists, stitch these fragments into a narrative of “sparks” and “connections,” but the seams are visible. Every lingering glance is a contrivance, every kiss a transaction. The villa is a panopticon of performative desire, where the only genuine emotion is the fear of being voted off.

And oh, the inauthenticity! It drips from every pore, as tangible as the coconut oil slathered on these human action figures. Love Island is not a show about love but about the simulation of love, a hyperreal pageant where feelings are as manufactured as the contestants’ abs. The Islanders speak of “grafting” (a term for flirting that sounds like a surgical procedure) and “cracking on” (which suggests breaking an egg rather than a heart), but their pursuit is not romantic but strategic. They couple up not for affection but for survival, like shipwrecked sailors clinging to driftwood. The prize—£50,000 and a shot at a Lucozade endorsement—looms over every decision, turning courtship into a game of high-stakes chess played by people who think “checkmate” is a cocktail.

The first episode’s much-hyped twist arrives with all the impact of a deflated beach ball. A “bombshell” contestant enters, a term that once suggested danger but now just means someone with a better spray tan. The newcomer’s arrival sends ripples of panic through the villa, as Islanders recalibrate their alliances like diplomats at a trade summit. It’s a reminder that Love Island is less about love than logistics, a game of musical chairs where the music is a Calvin Harris remix and the chairs are product placements. The episode ends with a cliff-hanger—will someone “recouple”?—but the stakes feel as urgent as a delayed Deliveroo order.

To watch Love Island is to marvel at its brazen artificiality, its gleeful rejection of anything resembling reality. The show is a triumph of artifice, a world where emotions are scripted, bodies are sculpted, and “authenticity” is a buzzword as hollow as a politician’s promise. Clive James would have seen through this charade with a smirk, noting that the Islanders are not lovers but actors in a soap opera with no script, their every move choreographed by producers who know that drama, not devotion, keeps viewers hooked. He’d have skewered the show’s pretense of romance, its cynical exploitation of young hearts for ratings and retweets. “Love Island,” he might have written, “is a carnival of contrived copulation, a place where love is not found but fabricated, like a knockoff handbag sold on a beachfront stall.”

Yet, for all its flaws, Love Island is irresistible in its absurdity. It is a cultural artifact, a mirror held up to a society obsessed with surface and spectacle. Its inauthenticity is its strength, a deliberate rejection of sincerity in favor of shiny, disposable drama. The first episode of 2025 is no exception: it is loud, shallow, and utterly shameless, a technicolor fever dream of fake tans and faker feelings. It is, in short, Love Island at its purest—a show that dares you to look away and knows you won’t.

And so, we watch, not for love but for the sheer, perverse pleasure of watching humans play at being human. We watch because the trivial can fascinate, if only because it reveals how little we need to be enthralled. Love Island is triviality incarnate, a glittering void that fills our screens and empties our souls. Long may it reign, this tacky empire of the heart, until the warm azure waves of the Balearic Sea reclaim it at last.

DUDE, WHERE'S MY COUNTRY ... ??

Oh, do brace yourselves, dear readers, for the grand unmasking of Britain’s latest parlour game: the deliberate dismantling of a nation’s soul, orchestrated by a governing class so enamoured with their own loathing that they’ve turned it into a full-time occupation. The British people—those sturdy souls who built this damp little island, fought its wars with stiff upper lips, and knitted its culture out of tea and bad weather—are being erased. Not by some marauding horde with swords, mind you, but by a cabal of suits who’d rather sip lattes in Westminster than glance at the wreckage they’ve wrought. To point this out, naturally, is to be branded an “extremist”—a term now so elastic it could stretch from here to the next election and still snap back with a sanctimonious twang.

Let’s consult the oracle of numbers, shall we? The Office for National Statistics, bless its bureaucratic heart, revealed in 2023 that 24% of England’s primary schools now boast a minority of white British pupils. In London, the figure soars to a dizzying 60% of primary school children hailing from ethnic minority backgrounds—proof, if proof were needed, that the capital is now less a city and more a United Nations crèche. This demographic shuffle, driven by a net migration of 728,000 in the year to June 2024, is no shadowy conspiracy; it’s demography with a side of chaos, courtesy of the Conservative government and now Labour’s Keir Starmer, who’ve overseen a transformation so rapid it makes a chameleon look sluggish. Yet to murmur, “Gosh, can our schools and hospitals cope?” is to be slapped with the label “cultural nationalist”—a phrase so trendy it’s now flagged by the Prevent programme as a potential terrorist ideology. Charming.

Ah, Prevent—the state’s latest toy, originally designed to thwart radicalisation but now retooled to cast its net over anyone who dares fret about social cohesion or borders. Lord Young of the Free Speech Union, ever the voice of reason, warns that this vague net could ensnare even mainstream figures like Robert Jenrick, whose past immigration musings might now qualify him for a Prevent pamphlet. The message? Love your country, fear its rapid makeover, and you’re one step from a police visit. This isn’t governance, folks—it’s a nanny state with a gag order, served with a side of hypocrisy so thick you could cut it with a spoon.

Speaking of hypocrisy, let’s marvel at Starmer’s white paper on immigration, which waxes poetic about Britain risking “an island of strangers”—a concern he’d vilify if you or I uttered it over a pint. His solution? Not to tackle the root of uncontrolled migration, but to unleash a “blitz” on illegal working—5,000 raids, 16,000 deportations since Labour took office. Bravo! Except, of course, this does zilch to stem the legal migration tide that’s reshaping our land. Refugee charities like Care4Calais tut-tut that Starmer’s inflaming tensions, as if the British public’s worries are just a spot of bigotry rather than a rational squint at a system gone haywire.

The elite’s trick is a sleight of hand worthy of a third-rate magician: flood the nation with newcomers, neglect to build houses or services, then demonise those who notice the mess. The Migration Observatory, ever the killjoy, notes that 85-86% of Britons have grumbled about immigration being too high since the 1960s, a sentiment peaking at 90% among Reform UK’s 4.12 million voters in 2024, with 73% calling it the top issue. Hardly a fringe view—more like a majority shouting into the void. Yet the Home Office’s research brands figures like Jacob Rees-Mogg as “cultural nationalists,” a term so broad it could net half the electorate. Jolly good show, chaps!

This isn’t about race, oh no—it’s about identity, that quaint notion of a Britain where children learn their history in schools, where communities feel like home, where the social contract isn’t a punchline. The elites call this nostalgia; I call it clinging to the lifeboats as the ship sinks. When 75% of the population, including over half of ethnic minorities, tell pollsters immigration’s too high, why is agreeing with them a one-way ticket to the extremist naughty corner? The 2024 riots, sparked by misinformation over a Southport stabbing, were a disgrace—but a symptom, dear reader, of a deeper malaise: a government that tunes out its people’s anxieties and vilifies their heritage with the zeal of a morality play.

The agenda? An attack on the very idea of “us” as a people, orchestrated with the finesse of a sledgehammer. But fear not—we see it, and we won’t be silenced. This is merely the opening act, a call to wrest our nation back from those who’d gift-wrap it for the global village. The fight for Britain’s soul? It’s just warming up, and the curtain’s barely risen. Pass the tea, someone—things are about to get delightfully messy.

FARAGE FIDDLES WHILST REFORM BURNS

Well, here we are again folks, watching the Reform Party perform its latest act in the circus of self-sabotage—a spectacle so predictable it’s practically a British tradition, like soggy fish and chips on a windswept pier. Zia Yusuf has packed his bags and fled the big top, and who can blame him? His departure is less a headline and more a footnote in the dog-eared script of Reform’s eternal dysfunction. If anything, it might make the party fractionally more palatable, like swapping out a rancid pint for one that’s merely flat. But let’s not kid ourselves: this lot couldn’t organise a raffle at a village fete, let alone a government. They’re Ukip with a new letterhead—arrogant, paranoid, tribal, and, if I may be so bold, about as sharp as a sack of hammers.

Reform, you see, is a party destined to trip over its own shoelaces, stumbling from one self-inflicted crisis to an other with the grace of a drunken uncle at a wedding. Yusuf’s exit was as inevitable as rain on a bank holiday. He was either going to be shoved out by Farage, the ringmaster who never met a spotlight he didn’t hog, or he’d slink off in a huff, muttering about “irreconcilable differences.” Either way, it’s a nothing-burger, as the Americans say. His replacement will likely be another political genius of the Arron Banks variety—obnoxious, talentless, and so puffed up with self-regard he’d float away if you pricked him with a pin. Perfect for Reform, really. A match made in the seventh circle of political hell.

But yesterday, I daresay, was a turning point, if only because the pattern is now so glaring even the most charitable pundits can’t ignore it. Reform is a policy vacuum, a personality cult with all the depth of a kiddie pool. It’s Farage’s one-man band, and the tune is getting old. The party can scrape a few seats by riding the wave of voter disaffection—those middle-finger reflexes Uma Apio mentioned in her reply—but to what end? No serious observer of British politics, not even the ones who’ve been at the gin since breakfast, sees Reform as an answer to anything. Rupert Lowe, bless his naive little heart, is spot-on: handing Reform the keys to power would be like giving a toddler a loaded revolver and a Red Bull. Stand well back, folks.

And yet, here’s the rub: Reform might’ve had a shot at something bigger, but that ship has sailed faster than a Tory MP fleeing a scandal. Mid-term polls are a mirage, a cruel joke on the hopeful. Those who once fancied a flutter on Reform are now just as likely to stay home, nursing their disillusionment with a cuppa and a rerun of The Chase—a show, as William Poel noted, that recently plumbed new depths of intellectual despair with an Air Vice Marshal who couldn’t make it past round one. The electorate’s apathy will probably gift Labour a second term, albeit with a majority so slim it’ll look like a wafer at communion. Reform might claw a couple dozen seats where they played runner-up last time, but by then Farage will be hawking the party to the highest bidder—likely the husk of the Tory party, in a merger that’ll feel like two drunks propping each other up on the way to the kebab shop.

Where does that leave the right, you ask? In a pickle, naturally. It’s all down to whether Jenrick can stage a coup without the Tory wets dousing him in their lukewarm tears. We’ve all assumed Jenrick will replace Badenoch, but her refusal to commit to ditching the ECHR—she knows her party would rather hug a wind turbine than leave—speaks volumes. Jenrick might end up a leader without a party, while Reform remains a party without a leader worth the name. A merger seems the logical next step, but the dross on Reform’s back benches could give even the soggiest Tory wet a run for their money in the mediocrity stakes. The whole thing’s a farce, a dead end with extra gravy.

And so, the right scrambles for a credible alternative, but the raw material is as scarce as a sunny day in February. Rupert Lowe’s heart might be in the right place, but he’s as Ukippy as they come, and no amount of good intentions can make up for a lack of grey matter. The right won’t go anywhere without an intellectual renaissance, but there’s not a thinker in sight. Jenrick’s the best of a bad lot, but his party’s a write-off, and we’re left treading water until something better comes along. Maybe we’re better off enduring Labour’s mediocrity for a bit longer—better that than handing the reins to another gaggle of dysfunctional clowns and killing off any hope of real change. After all, as I’ve learned from years of watching telly, sometimes the best thing to do with a bad show is change the channel.

THE RANTING BRUMMIE REVIEWS: "DOCTOR WHO - "THE REALITY WAR" (S2 EP8)

In the frenetic, time-warping whirlwind that is Doctor Who, last night’s season finale, "The Reality War" - aired May 31, 2025 - lands like a supernova, blazing with spectacle but flickering with flaws. This capstone to Ncuti Gatwa’s brief but brilliant tenure as the Fifteenth Doctor is a rollercoaster of action and emotion, propelled by his incandescent performance and a pulse-pounding array of set pieces. Jodie Whittaker’s surprise cameo as the Thirteenth Doctor adds a poignant spark, yet the episode stumbles in its handling of the legendary Omega and leaves a trail of unresolved plot threads dangling like loose TARDIS wires. And then there’s the bombshell of a former Doctor Who star's return - raising questions that outshine the answers provided. It’s a finale that soars and stumbles, a glorious mess that leaves you exhilarated yet yearning for coherence.

The action sequences are a triumph, a dizzying ballet of chaos that showcases Doctor Who’s knack for blending the absurd with the epic. London, now a bone-strewn battlefield, hosts a clash where skyscraper-sized skeletal dinosaurs—think Star Wars AT-ATs with a gothic twist—square off against a Marvel-inspired Avengers tower. The Doctor’s daring rocket sled ride to the Rani's Bone Palace crackles with CGI splendour. These moments, kinetic and inventive, remind us why Who remains a visual marvel, turning budget constraints into bursts of creativity that make the heart race.

Ncuti Gatwa, as the Fifteenth Doctor, is the episode’s radiant core, delivering a performance that’s equal parts joy and devastation. His Doctor, defined by a supernova smile and the catchphrase “babes,” unveils a raw, wounded depth here, particularly in his sacrifice to save Poppy, a child who may or may not be his daughter. Gatwa’s ability to pivot from infectious exuberance to gut-wrenching resolve - his tearful “I like this face” as he prepares to regenerate - is a masterclass in emotional range. His confrontation with the Rani, spitting defiance amid a crumbling reality, carries the weight of a Time Lord who’s loved and lost too much. Gatwa’s brief tenure, as fleeting as Christopher Eccleston’s, leaves an indelible mark, proving he was a Doctor for the ages, even if cut frustratingly short.

Jodie Whittaker’s cameo as the Thirteenth Doctor is a delightful jolt, a timey-wimey treat that lands like a warm hug. Appearing as Gatwa’s Doctor grapples with the time vortex, her brief scene is a poignant passing of the torch, her warning about rupturing reality laced with a cheeky nod to David Tennant’s frequent returns. Whittaker’s presence, though fleeting, feels essential, grounding the chaos with her understated gravitas and reminding us why her Doctor was a trailblazer. It’s a moment that sings, even if it’s more fan-service than plot-driven. Varada Sethu, as Belinda Chandra, remains a luminous anchor, her nurse’s pragmatism cutting through the Doctor’s turmoil. Her emotional plea to save Poppy, her maybe-daughter, is heartrending.

But oh, the missteps. The treatment of Omega, the mythic Time Lord architect, is a colossal let-down. Reintroduced as a monstrous, reality-consuming beast after eons in the Underverse, Omega’s return should have been a seismic event, a nod to classics like The Three Doctors. Instead, he’s dispatched with alarming ease- blasted by a laser beam husk in a rushed climax that feels like an afterthought. This legendary figure, whose shadow loomed over "Wish World", deserved a grander reckoning, not a cameo that fizzles like a damp squib.

The plot itself is a chaotic tangle, piling on villains - the dual Ranis, Conrad Clark, Omega - without giving them room to breathe. The central conceit, the Doctor’s sacrifice to restore Poppy by blasting regenerative energy into the vortex, is emotionally potent but narratively muddled. Unresolved threads abound: Susan Foreman’s teased return, hinted at since "The Interstellar Song Contest", goes nowhere, leaving her visions as a frustrating red herring. Mrs. Flood’s role as a Rani variant vanishes without closure, and the mystery of Earth’s destruction on May 24, 2025, is brushed aside. The episode’s 66-minute runtime, a luxury for Whovians these days, feels overstuffed yet incomplete, as if Russell T Davies threw every idea into the mix without bothering tying the bow.

And then there’s Billie Piper, whose regeneration reveal is both thrilling and perplexing. Credited simply as “Introducing Billie Piper” - not “as the Doctor,” unlike Gatwa and Whittaker - her “Oh, hello” grin raises more questions than answers. Is she the Sixteenth Doctor, or something else entirely? Her past as Rose Tyler, infused with Bad Wolf energy, suggests a twist beyond a straightforward regeneration. The ambiguity is tantalizing but frustrating, especially given Davies’ penchant for stunt casting, as seen with Tennant’s return. Piper’s return is a bold gamble, but without clarity on her role, it risks feeling like a ratings grab rather than a narrative necessity.

The Reality War is a thrilling, flawed farewell to Gatwa’s incandescent Doctor, with action that dazzles and a Whittaker cameo that warms the heart. But its mishandling of Omega and a slew of dangling plot threads leave it feeling like a puzzle with missing pieces. Piper’s enigmatic arrival promises a new chapter, but whether she’s truly the Doctor remains a question that haunts this chaotic, captivating finale.

Ten Interesting Things from The Reality War:

• Gatwa’s Heart-Wrenching Exit: Ncuti Gatwa’s tearful “I like this face” and sacrificial regeneration are a poignant end to his joyful, complex Doctor.

• Bone Dinosaur Battle: Skyscraper-sized skeletal beasts clashing with an Avengers-style tower is a gloriously absurd action highlight.

• Whittaker’s Warm Cameo: Jodie Whittaker’s Thirteenth Doctor, warning of a time schism, adds emotional heft with a cheeky Tennant jab.

• Piper’s Ambiguous Return: Billie Piper’s “Oh, hello” regeneration, credited vaguely, sparks debate—is she the Doctor or a Bad Wolf twist?

• Belinda’s Emotional Core: Varada Sethu’s Belinda anchors the episode with her plea for Poppy.

• Rani’s Double Act: Archie Panjabi and Anita Dobson’s dual Ranis bring camp menace, though their defeat feels rushed.

• Omega’s Wasted Potential: The Time Lord titan’s brief, monstrous return ends in a lackluster devouring, squandering his mythic status.

• Poppy’s Murky Origin: The maybe-daughter of the Doctor and Belinda, a biological impossibility for Time Lords, remains a tantalizing mystery.

• Time Vortex Spectacle: The TARDIS’s dive into the vortex, with Gatwa’s regenerative blast, is a CGI stunner that defines the climax.

• Susan’s Unfulfilled Tease: Carole Ann Ford’s prior Susan visions lead nowhere, a frustrating loose end in a finale craving resolution.

THE RANTING BRUMMIE REVIEWS: "DOCTOR WHO - "WISH WORLD" (S2 EP7)

In the frenetic, time-twisting tapestry of Doctor Who, last night’s episode, Wish World—aired May 24, 2025—arrives like a fever dream, all glitter and grandiosity, yet faltering under the weight of its own ambitions. This penultimate chapter of the season, penned by Russell T Davies, plunges the Doctor and Belinda into a warped 1950s-esque reality, a dystopian fairytale that owes a conspicuous debt to WandaVision. 

While the episode dazzles with its visuals and Archie Panjabi’s electrifying turn as the Rani, its plot creaks like a TARDIS with a loose bolt, overstuffed with ideas that never quite cohere. It’s a spectacle that thrills in the moment but leaves one longing for a tighter script, as if Davies has raided Marvel’s playbook without quite mastering its emotional finesse.

The visuals are a triumph, a kaleidoscope of retro-futurist suburbia and nightmarish flourishes that scream Doctor Who at its most audacious. The Harmony Arena’s bone palace, with its James Bond-esque dome, is a production design marvel, while animated sequences, dinosaurs stalking London, and a wish-granting baby’s eerie giggle evoke a Tim Burton fever dream. Director Alex Sanjiv Pillai crafts a world where every frame pops, from the Stepford-like streets to the Rani’s spiky leather swagger, a nod to Kate O’Mara’s original. These visuals, paired with a haunting score, make Wish World a feast for the senses, even if the narrative can’t keep pace.

Archie Panjabi, as the newly bi-generated Rani, is the episode’s supernova, chewing scenery with a relish that’s both camp and chilling. Her performance transforms the Rani from a niche Time Lord into a galactic force, striding through her bone palace with a punky menace that fits her like a glove. Whether taunting the Doctor with a disco ball dance or weaving a reality-shattering scheme, Panjabi commands every scene, her Emmy-winning gravitas lending depth to a character once dismissed as a Master-lite. Her interplay with Anita Dobson’s Mrs. Flood—a subservient Rani variant—is a delight, their dynamic a mix of menace and mischief. Panjabi’s Rani is a villain you love to hate, her every line dripping with theatrical venom, making her the episode’s undeniable highlight.

Varada Sethu, as Belinda Chandra, continues to shine, her nurse’s pragmatism anchoring the Doctor’s disorientation. Her scenes in the faux-domestic bliss of Wish World, particularly in moments of doubt, grounds the episode’s wilder swings, though she’s underused in the latter half.

Yet, the plot is where Wish World stumbles, a chaotic jumble that feels like a WandaVision photocopy run through a Doctor Who filter. The setup—Conrad Clark (Jonah Hauer-King) crafting a repressive utopia with the Rani’s wish-granting god-baby Desiderium—echoes Wanda Maximoff’s grief-fueled Hex. The Doctor and Belinda wake as a married couple with a daughter, Poppy, in a 1950s Britain rife with homophobia and ableism, a critique of tradwife totalitarianism that feels like Stepford with a sonic screwdriver. 

The WandaVision comparison is inescapable and not entirely flattering. Davies’ love for Marvel, evident in his nods to Loki and Star Wars this season, here feels like a direct lift, with the Doctor’s “John Smith” alias mirroring Wanda’s suburban delusion. The episode’s ambition is admirable, but its rushed pacing and reliance on Time Lord lore, like Omega’s looming return, dilute its impact. It’s as if Davies, enamoured with Marvel’s reality-bending playbook, forgot to ground his story in the emotional stakes that made his first Who run soar.

Still, Panjabi’s Rani and the episode’s visual flair keep Wish World afloat. The cliffhanger—the Doctor plummeting into the Underverse as Omega’s voice booms—promises a finale of epic scope, per Radio Times. It’s a bold setup, but one hopes Davies can weave these threads into a tapestry less derivative and more cohesive than this outing.

Ten Interesting Things from Wish World:

• Panjabi’s Punk Rani: Archie Panjabi’s theatrical menace as the Rani, swaggering in a spiky leather coat, reinvents the villain with camp and gravitas.

• Bone Palace Spectacle: The Rani’s domed base, a “James Bond set” is a visual stunner, with animated dinosaur skeletons prowling London.

• WandaVision Echoes: The 1950s dystopia, with the Doctor and Belinda as a married couple, blatantly channels WandaVision.

• Belinda’s Poise: Varada Sethu’s Belinda, radiant in retro attire that subtly flatters her form, grounds the chaos with quiet strength.

• Desiderium’s Creepy Giggle: The wish-granting baby, a “terrifying” god, adds a fairy-tale chill with its eerie laugh.

• Conrad’s Dystopia: Jonah Hauer-King’s Conrad crafts a repressive utopia, a “tradwife totalitarianism” that remains chillingly plausible.

• Ruby’s Resistance: Millie Gibson’s Ruby, teaming with Shirley (Ruth Madeley), forms a resistance that feels underused but potent.

• Rani’s Bi-Generation Dynamic: Panjabi and Anita Dobson’s interplay, with Mrs. Flood as a subservient Rani, is a barrel of laughs.

• Omega’s Looming Return: The cliff-hanger tease of Omega, voiced but unseen, promises Gallifreyan high stakes for a character not seen since the Peter Davison episode "Arc of Infinity".

• Social Commentary: Davies’ critique of conservatism and thought policing, while heavy-handed, resonates in 2025’s fraught climate.

PATRICK O'FLYNN (1965 - 2025): AN OBITUARY

Patrick O’Flynn, who has shuffled off this mortal coil at an age he’d likely have described as “none of your business,” was a journalist and politician whose pen was mightier than the sword, though he’d have argued the sword was underused in modern politics. A man who wore his nationalism and conservatism like a well-tailored tweed suit—slightly out of fashion but impeccably cut—O’Flynn spent his career skewering the pompous and the progressive with a wit so dry it could desiccate a bog.

Born in 1965, O’Flynn emerged from King’s College, Cambridge, with an economics degree and a suspicion of elites that would define his work. He cut his teeth at the Daily Express, rising to political editor, where his columns thundered with the kind of righteous indignation that made readers nod sagely over their morning tea or choke on their cornflakes. His was a voice that could make a Labour leader sound like a Buddhist monk at a Vegas casino—utterly out of place and faintly ridiculous.

O’Flynn’s flirtation with the UK Independence Party (UKIP) saw him elected as an MEP in 2014, a role he embraced with the zeal of a man who’d just discovered the EU was taxing his pint. His defection to the Social Democratic Party in 2018, citing UKIP’s dalliance with less savoury characters, was less a political pirouette than a stomping exit from a party he felt had lost its way. “I joined the SDP,” he declared, “because it espouses broad and moderate pro-nation state values,” which was his way of saying he preferred his nationalism with a side of civility, not a knuckle sandwich.

At The Spectator, where he scribbled regular columns, O’Flynn’s prose danced a jig between satire and sermon. He took aim at Keir Starmer with the precision of a darts player in an old Camden pub, calling him “vain, out-of-touch, humourless,” and suggesting Nigel Farage could have him “on the ropes” at PMQs. His disdain for multiculturalism’s failings and his warnings of “white identity politics” were less dog-whistle than foghorn, sounding alarms that echoed from Westminster to the West Country.

Like Clive James, whose satirical verse he might have envied, O’Flynn had a knack for exposing the absurdities of the powerful while maintaining a twinkle in his eye. His writing was a protective reef around the Britain he loved—one of sovereignty, scepticism, and the occasional pint. He was no mere hack; he was a craftsman of cantankerous charm, wielding words like a fencer with a foil, sharp and precise, but never cruel.

O’Flynn leaves behind a legacy of columns that read like love letters to a nation he feared was unravelling, and a warning to future scribes: if you must tilt at windmills, do it with style and a smirk. He is survived by his wife, Carole Ann, his son and daughter, as well as his readers, who will miss his mordant wit, and by politicians, who will sleep easier without it.

SELL-OUT STARMER AND THE QUIET DESKS OF DISCONTENT

In the grand tradition of British stoicism, we find ourselves once again sipping tea through gritted teeth, muttering darkly about the state of things while doing precisely nothing about it. Cornwall7000, a voice of the ever-exasperated on X, posed the question on May 18, 2025, that has been brewing in the minds of many a disgruntled citizen: “What’s the tipping point for nationwide mass demonstrations against this awful government? I feel it’s close.” Oh, the optimism! 

One can almost hear the kettles whistling in unison, a prelude to the revolution that never quite arrives. And then Marks Safaniya, with the weary cynicism of a man who’s seen one too many promises broken, replies: “We are a nation of oppressed people who are so busy and tired feeding and caring for our families that we have no appetite to respond. The government are going to sign us back into Europe against the majority vote and 9yrs of struggle and we will do exactly nothing.” Here, in this exchange, lies the quintessential British tragedy—a yearning for revolt so palpable you could spread it on toast, yet a resignation so deep it might as well be the national anthem.

Let us rewind, shall we, to the heady days of 2016, when the British public, in a rare moment of collective decisiveness, voted 51.9% to leave the European Union, according to the Electoral Commission. It was a decision that sent shockwaves through the corridors of Brussels and Westminster alike, a middle finger to the technocrats who thought they knew better. For a fleeting moment, it felt like the people had spoken—loudly, rudely, and with the kind of conviction usually reserved for queuing etiquette. But oh, how quickly the dream soured. Nine years of struggle followed, a Kafkaesque nightmare of withdrawal agreements, backstops, and betrayals, each more convoluted than the last. And now, in 2025, under the iron grip of Sir Keir Starmer’s Labour government, the whispers of rejoining the EU grow louder, a betrayal so brazen it could only be British in its execution—delivered with a polite smile and a cup of lukewarm tea.

Starmer, of course, is a man of principles, which is to say he has none that can’t be adjusted to suit the mood of the room. As the National Centre for Social Research reminds us, back in 2019, Starmer was the poster boy for a second referendum, a knight in shining Remain armor, ready to lead Labour back into the loving embrace of the EU. Fast forward to 2024, and the man who once campaigned for Europe with the fervor of a televangelist now declares, after securing a majority, that reopening the Brexit debate would bring “turmoil and uncertainty.” How noble of him to spare us the chaos—never mind that two-thirds of his own voters, 66% to be precise, think there should be another EU vote within the next five years. The remaining 26% who don’t are presumably too busy trying to afford their heating bills to care. Starmer’s moral compass, it seems, points firmly in the direction of power, a North Star that never wavers, even as 78% of Labour voters in 2024 would vote to rejoin the EU if given the chance. Democracy, it appears, is a dish best served cold and ignored.

But let us not lay all the blame at Starmer’s feet. The British public, bless them, have played their part in this farce with the kind of apathy that would make a sloth look industrious. Marks Safaniya’s lament on X—that we are too tired, too busy, too broken to rise up—is not just a personal cri de cœur but a national diagnosis. The LSE Public Policy Review paints a grim picture: real wages in the UK have stagnated for the longest period in two centuries, a decline so persistent it’s practically a cultural artifact. Since 2008, average earnings growth has limped along at a measly 0.2% annually, according to the Institute for Fiscal Studies in 2024. Inequality festers like damp in a Victorian terrace, and the labour market institutions that once promised fairness now seem as outdated as a fax machine. Is it any wonder, then, that the British people, once the proud architects of empire, now find themselves too knackered to storm the barricades? The revolution, it seems, has been postponed due to exhaustion.

And yet, the yearning for a “very British revolution” persists, a quiet, simmering rage that bubbles beneath the surface of every overpriced pint and every delayed train. Cornwall7000’s question—“What’s the tipping point?”—is less a call to arms and more a desperate plea for someone, anyone, to light the fuse. But who will do it? 

Not the public, apparently, who are too busy Googling how to stretch a tin of beans into three meals. Not the opposition, who are as effective as a paper umbrella in a hurricane. And certainly not the government, who seem to view the will of the people as a minor inconvenience, like a spot of rain on a bank holiday. The Labour government’s rumored plan to drag us back into the EU, against the 2016 vote and nine years of struggle, is not just a betrayal of democracy—it’s a masterclass in moral cowardice. They know the public is divided; a YouGov poll from 2024 showed 55% now favor rejoining, a shift from 2019 when a petition to revoke Article 50 garnered 6.1 million signatures. But to act without a mandate, without a vote, is to treat the electorate like children who can’t be trusted with sharp objects.

The EU itself, of course, is no innocent bystander in this melodrama. For years, it has played the role of the jilted lover, alternately wooing and scolding Britain with the kind of passive-aggressive energy that would make a soap opera writer blush. The technocrats in Brussels, with their clipboards and their regulations, have never quite forgiven us for leaving, and now they sense an opportunity to reel us back in, like a fisherman with a particularly stubborn catch. But the EU’s moral failings are as glaring as Labour’s: a bloated bureaucracy that prioritizes its own survival over the needs of its people, a monolith that lectures on unity while ignoring the voices of those who dare to dissent. If Labour’s sin is betrayal, the EU’s is arrogance—a belief that it knows best, even when the evidence suggests otherwise.

So here we are, in May 2025, teetering on the edge of something that might, in a parallel universe, be called a revolution. But this is Britain, where revolutions are more likely to involve a strongly worded letter to the council than a march on Westminster. The discontent is real—Cornwall7000 and Marks Safaniya are but two voices in a chorus of millions—but the action is lacking. Perhaps it’s the weather, perpetually grey and uninspiring. Perhaps it’s the economy, which has left us all too poor to afford the pitchforks. Or perhaps it’s simply who we are: a nation of grumblers, not fighters, who would rather endure a thousand betrayals than risk the embarrassment of making a scene.

In the end, the “very British revolution” we yearn for may never come. Labour will likely sign us back into the EU, or at least try to, and we will, as Marks Safaniya predicts, “do exactly nothing.” The EU will welcome us back with open arms and a laundry list of conditions, and Starmer will smile for the cameras, secure in the knowledge that he’s dodged another bullet. And we, the great British public, will shuffle on, muttering into our tea about the good old days when our votes meant something. 

It’s a tragedy, to be sure, but it’s our tragedy—a uniquely British blend of frustration, resignation, and the faintest flicker of hope that one day, just maybe, we’ll find the energy to care. Until then, the revolution remains a dream, as distant and unattainable as a sunny bank holiday. Cheers to that.

THE RANTING BRUMMIE REVIEWS: "DOCTOR WHO - "THE INTERSTELLAR SONG CONTEST" (S2 EP6)

In the glittering, giddy whirl of Doctor Who’s latest escapade, The Interstellar Song Contest—beamed to us on May 17, 2025—this episode pirouettes onto the screen like a sequined comet, all camp and calamity, only to plunge into a darkness that leaves the heart pounding. Set aboard the Harmony Arena, a space station hosting a galactic Eurovision, it’s a riot of colour and chaos, with animation that pops like confetti and a narrative that dares to bare the Doctor’s teeth. 

Ncuti Gatwa’s Fifteenth Doctor delivers a performance that’s both a revelation and a reckoning, particularly in a harrowing confrontation with Freddie Fox’s villainous Kid. Yet, the episode’s surprises—Susan Foreman’s ethereal return and the Rani’s divisive re-emergence—add layers of delight and debate to this interstellar spectacle. It’s Doctor Who at its most audacious, a high note that occasionally wavers but never fails to thrill.

The visuals are a dazzling triumph, a love letter to Eurovision’s flamboyant excess, reimagined 900 years hence. The Harmony Arena, with its neon-lit stage and alien contestants, is a feast of CGI wizardry. Animated sequences—think Rylan Clark’s cryogenically preserved host bursting from a pod, or Cora Saint Bavier’s haunting Hellion ballad—evoke a Saturday morning cartoon spun through a cosmic kaleidoscope. The animation of bodies floating in space, frost-kissed and silent, is a chilling counterpoint to the episode’s glitter. Director Ben A. Williams wrings every ounce of spectacle from Juno Dawson’s script, blending camp with catastrophe in a way that feels quintessentially Who.

Gatwa, as the Doctor, is the episode’s supernova, burning with a ferocity that redefines his tenure. His Fifteenth Doctor, usually a whirlwind of charm and “babes,” unleashes a darker side that’s both thrilling and unsettling. The confrontation with Kid, a horned Hellion terrorist played with smouldering menace by Freddie Fox, is the episode’s jagged heart. Believing Belinda to be among the 100,000 spectators ejected into space, the Doctor’s rage erupts in a chilling monologue—“You’ve put ice in my heart, darling”—before he subjects Kid to hard-light hologram torture, Gatwa’s shift from nonchalance to unrestrained malice is a masterclass in emotional range, evoking the Time Lord Victorious at his most vengeful, making the Doctor’s moral lapse feel both shocking and earned, a testament to Gatwa’s ability to balance camp with cruelty. 

It’s a moment that redefines Gatwa’s Doctor, making him as complex as Tennant’s, and sets the stage for a finale fraught with consequence. Varada Sethu, as Belinda Chandra, remains a radiant counterpoint, her nurse’s pragmatism grounding the Doctor’s fury. Her pained desolation, especially when witnessing the Doctor’s rage, is palpable, and her chemistry with Gatwa crackles. Interactions with Cora (Miriam-Teak Lee), a Hellion hiding her identity, add emotional depth.

The surprise return of Susan Foreman, played by Carole Ann Ford, is a lump-in-the-throat moment for long-time fans. Appearing in visions as the Doctor floats in space, her ethereal plea—“Go back and find me”—is a poignant nod to 1963’s An Unearthly Child. Ford, the last surviving original cast member, imbues Susan with a haunting grace, it’s a magical inclusion, overshadowing the episode’s other bombshell: the reveal of Mrs. Flood as the Rani. Anita Dobson’s bi-generation into Archie Panjabi’s steely Rani, riffing on Kate O’Mara’s camp villainy, is a thrilling twist for some, but for every fan cheering the Rani’s return after 1987’s Time and the Rani, another finds it overshadowed by Susan’s emotional heft, leaving the reveal feeling like a sparkler next to a firework.

The episode’s flaws—a rushed resolution and an overstuffed narrative, as Newsweek and the m0vie blog note—don’t dim its shine. The Interstellar Song Contest is a bold, bruising adventure, with Gatwa’s darker turn and Susan’s surprise return stealing the show. The Rani’s comeback, while divisive, adds intrigue, and Sethu’s luminous Belinda—curves and all—grounds the cosmic chaos. It’s Doctor Who at its most daring, a song that hits both high notes and haunting lows.

Ten Interesting Things from The Interstellar Song Contest:

• Gatwa’s Rage Unleashed: Ncuti Gatwa’s chilling confrontation with Kid, using hard-light holograms to torture, showcases a terrifying Time Lord Victorious.

• Animated Space Horror: The visual of 100,000 spectators freezing in space, rendered with frosty CGI, is a stark contrast to the episode’s camp.

• Susan’s Haunting Return: Carole Ann Ford’s ethereal Susan Foreman, urging the Doctor to “find me,” is a tear-jerking nod to 1963.

• Rani’s Divisive Reveal: Mrs. Flood’s bi-generation into Archie Panjabi’s Rani is thrilling but divisive.

• Belinda’s Emotional Depth: Varada Sethu’s Belinda, stunning in futuristic attire that subtly flatters her form, anchors the episode with pained desolation.

• Kid’s Sympathetic Villainy: Freddie Fox’s Kid, a vengeful Hellion, is charismatic but lacks menace,  making the Doctor’s reaction feel outsized.

• Rylan’s Camp Cameo: Rylan Clark’s cryogenically preserved host, quipping “Back from the dead? sums up my career,” is a camp delight.

• Cora’s Hellion Ballad: Miriam-Teak Lee’s somber song, revealing her Hellion identity, is a fairy-tale moment.

• Graham Norton’s Hologram: A hologram revealing Earth’s destruction on May 24, 2025, adds urgency to what is set to be a devastating finale.

• Cliffhanger Chaos: The TARDIS’s cloister bells and exploding doors, post-Norton’s reveal.

THE RANTING BRUMMIE GOES TO EUROVISION

The 2025 Eurovision Song Contest, held in Basel’s St Jakobshalle, was less a musical competition than a geopolitical pantomime dressed in sequins and lit by a thousand wind machines. It was, as ever, a spectacle that could make a cynic weep and Noel Gallagher reach for the gin. Switzerland, having won in 2024 with Nemo’s operatic tantrum The Code, hosted this 69th edition with the grim determination of a nation that knows neutrality is its only export besides overpriced watches and chocolate. The result was a three-night carnival of camp, chaos, and the kind of earnest ballads that make you wonder if Europe has collectively forgotten what a melody is.

Enter Austria’s JJ, a Viennese vocal acrobat who, with Wasted Love, turned an operatic ballad into a club banger with the subtlety of a sledgehammer. It was as if Puccini had been reincarnated in a Berghain basement, and Europe lapped it up. JJ’s win—Austria’s third, following Udo Jürgens and Conchita Wurst—was less a triumph of music than of sheer lung capacity. His reprise, dripping with tears and a plea for “more love,” was the kind of moment that Eurovision thrives on: absurdly sincere, yet impossible to take seriously. One could almost hear the ghost of Terry Wogan chuckling into his whiskey.

Israel’s Yuval Raphael, finishing second, was the night’s lightning rod. Her performance, briefly disrupted by paint-throwing protesters, was a reminder that Eurovision’s “United by Music” mantra is about as binding as a Labour Party manifesto. The European Broadcasting Union, ever the spineless referee, suppressed audience boos and prayed Austria’s victory would spare them the nightmare of hosting in Tel Aviv. The protests outside, complete with tear gas and water cannons, were a stark contrast to the glitter inside, where politics is supposedly banned but always the loudest guest.

Estonia’s Tommy Cash took third with Espresso Macchiato, a faux-Italian piss-take that had Italians clutching their espressos in outrage. Cash, a provocateur who loves “anything trashy,” delivered a song that mocked national stereotypes with the glee of a toddler in a sandpit. It was gloriously stupid, and one wished it had won just to see Rome host next year’s contest in a fit of pique. Sweden, the bookies’ favourite with their sauna-obsessed Bara Bada Bastu, landed fourth, proving that even accordion-led odes to sweating in a wooden box can’t always sway the televote.

The UK, as is tradition, sent Remember Monday—a girl group with a musical theatre background and a song called What The Hell Just Happened?—to continue its proud record of Eurovision futility. This 1970s pastiche, stuffed with tempo changes and barrelhouse piano, was like Queen covering the Andrews Sisters in a Nashville dive bar. It was theatrical, yes, but so is a pantomime dame, and the result was predictably dire: another bottom-half finish having again won no points from the public vote, with only Sam Ryder’s 2022 fluke to remind us that Britain once knew how to write a tune. The BBC’s decision to pick acts via backroom deals rather than public votes remains a mystery, like asking a tone-deaf choirboy to headline at Carnegie Hall.

Elsewhere, the contest was a parade of the gloriously unhinged. Finland’s Erika Vikman rode a spark-spewing golden microphone for Ich Komme, a techno-rave ode to, well, let’s call it “arrival.” It was the kind of performance that makes you check the subtitles twice and hide the remote from your grandmother. Malta’s Miriana Conte, forced to rename her song Serving to avoid a naughty homophone, still oozed camp defiance. And Latvia’s Tautumeitas, with their glitch-pop curses and monkey tails, looked like they’d wandered in from a pagan ritual gone wrong.

The hosts—Hazel Brugger, Sandra Studer, and Michelle Hunziker for the final—were as polished as a Swiss bank vault but about as memorable. Interval acts included a satirical Swiss stereotype skit and a Céline Dion video message, teasing a return that never materialised. One suspects she was wise to stay away; even her Titanic heart couldn’t survive this shipwreck of taste.

Clive James, were he still with us, would have skewered this as a “gladiatorial contest with music as an afterthought,” and he’d be right. Eurovision 2025 was not about songs but about moments—JJ’s soaring notes, Vikman’s golden phallus, Cash’s gleeful trolling. It’s a world unto itself, sealed off from pop culture, where ABBA remains the lone gold standard in 69 years. 

As Graham Norton’s wry commentary tried to keep up, one could only marvel at the absurdity: a continent united not by music, but by its willingness to embrace the ridiculous. See you in Vienna, or perhaps Salzburg, where the hills are alive with the sound of nul points.