THE RANTING BRUMMIE'S GUIDE TO JAMES BOND

So, after a delays of numerous years and for numerous 'reasons', Britain's favourite super-suave super-spy, agent 007 James Bond, is back for another outing in No Time To Die. Predictably, ITV have been using this as an excuse to run through every single Bond film for about the fourteen millionth time, so to save your eyeballs, here's a quick summary of his globe-trotting outings so far.

Dr No. (1962)
James Bond and its universe comes out fully formed and familiar out of the gates. Dr. No doesn't show up until very end, other than his name and his mechanical hands is a pretty forgettable villain. Connery nails everything about 007 from the get-go. Honey Ryder in THAT bikini scene.

From Russia With Love (1963)
The most espionage-ish Bond movie from the early batch. Grittier feel than most Connery films, taking place in Turkey and Yugoslavia instead of a beautiful ocean setting. Red Grant and Klebb great SPECTRE assassins. Train fight scene one of series best, as is the theme by Matt Munro.

Goldfinger (1964)
Connery at his peak in the first true Bond blockbuster. Goldfinger threatening to cut Bond in half with a laser. Oddjob and his razor-rimmed hat. The debut of the tricked-out Aston Martin DB5 and it's ejector seat. One of the greatest Bond Girls of all-time, Pussy Galore. Shirley Bassey's theme tune. The iconic death of other Bond Girl Jill Masterson, her naked body sprawled across her bed and painted gold.

Thunderball (1965)
Better known as the era of James Bond that Austin Powers spoofs. Largo is a decent villain. Underwater fight scenes are comedically bad. Tom Jones does the theme song. Beautifully shot in the Bahamas. Connery at his peak. Remade in the 80's as Never Say Never Again. Which featured Bond playing video games.

You Only Live Twice (1967)
Bond fakes his death goes to Japan. Let's forget he has surgery to look Japanese in this movie. We finally get to meet the mastermind of SPECTRE, Blofeld. Little Nellie is a cool little helicopter. The volcano secret rocket base is the coolest villain lair and set in all the movies. Piranha Pool!

On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
George Lazenby - the one-film Bond. Plot is wonderful, combats against 007's wooden acting. Swiss alps gorgeous location for evil lair. Bond and Blofeld don't recognise each other. Aston Martin's tyres squeal ... on sand. Bond gets married for the only time ... but it last about 5 minutes because then Mrs. Bond is murdered.

Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Connery comes back in a wig. Bond does Vegas. Blofeld smuggles diamonds, makes clones of himself. Ho-Yay assassins Mr. Kidd & Mr. Wint. Bond Girl Tiffany Case forgettable, poor Plenty O'Toole thrown out the window. Moon buggy getaway scene. Shirley Bassey back for the theme song. Bond stops diamond-powered laser satellite.

Live and Let Die (1973)
Roger Moore's debut, 007's attempt at blaxploitation. Jane Seymour as Solitaire! Unfortunately she loses her psychic abilities when Bond takes her virginity. Lots of dumb voodoo stuff. Sheriff JW Pepper is annoying. Awesome theme song by Paul McArtney and Wings. That ridiculous crocodile scene. 

The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)
Christopher Lee as the Man with the Golden Gun and three nipples, Scaramanga, is the perfect foil. Nick Nack is a great henchman/comedic relief. Great locations in Asia/Beirut. Britt Ekland's bum nearly blows up the world. Solar-powered satellite blasts heat ray, Bond stops it. Sound familiar ? Moore's 2nd best 007 film.

The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
The best of the Roger Moore era. 007 and KGB Agent Triple X make up one of the best Bond romances to date. Main villain Stromberg is dull but his underwater ocean lair and henchman Jaws steal the show. Jaws is seriously terrifying, but also features the best Bond car ever, the Lotus Esprit that can turn into a submarine.

Moonraker (1979)
James Bond does Star Wars, complete with lasers. Bad guy Hugo Drax steals a space shuttle because he's going to wipe out mankind and repopulate it with a master race. Dr. Holly Goodhead is a Mt. Rushmore Bond Girl. Jaws turns good and helps Bond defeat Drax after he falls in love with a little nerdy girl. The big ol' softie.

For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Back down to Earth, literally, for 007. Bond has to recover some ATAC system which controls British missiles. Bond Girl Melina is fun & out for blood after her parents are murdered. Bad guy has ice skating little daughter who really wants to pork Bond. Greek monastery at end is awesome. Not much else to say.

Octopussy (1983)
Moore is probably too old at this point. He also dresses up as a clown. Octopussy is a badass jewel smuggler who porks Bond & turns good at the end. Unusually reliable Alfa Romeo. White guy plays evil Afghan prince. Again, Bond infiltrates a circus by dressing up as clown. JAMES BOND DRESSES UP AS A FRICKIN' CLOWN !!

A View To a Kill (1985)
Roger Moore's final instalment. Definitely too old for philandering at this point - Bond Girl is half his age, the gorgeous Tanya Roberts. Christopher Walken wasted as evil CEO Max Zorin. Grace Jones oddly sexy as a henchwoman. Duran Duran theme song, how 80's. The evil plan - destroy Silicon Valley to have a monopoly on microchips. Also, horses, and briefly, Dolph Lundgren.

The Living Daylights (1987)
Timothy Dalton's first crack at 007, and one of the best in the franchise. Bond helps a KGB guy defect but is then double crossed by him! Bond does some actual spying, and helps the Afghan rebels ... awkward. Main villain is some American arms dealer who is kinda dumb. Cool Aston Martin is back. Bond Girl plays a mean cello. Much more gritty and less campy, way before Craig did it. My personal favourite.

Licence To Kill (1989)
Bond quits MI6 in a huff and goes on a roaring rampage of revenge. Dalton's second and final Bond. Robert Davi a cool villian. Young Benicio Del Toro is a psycho henchman. Jack Laird back as Felix. Feels like a Miami Vice video game, but in a good way. Pam Bouvier a sexy kick-ass sidekick. Awesome wheelie stunt with a Kenworth truck.

Goldeneye (1995)
A strong debt for Pierce Brosnan, but gets bumped up because of the awesome N64 video game. Still a great movie though. Ned Stark is great double agent. Jean Grey as Onatopp and her deadly sexcapades using her superhuman thigh strength. Tina Turner does the theme, but marks lost for putting Bond in a BMW. Which is ridiculous.

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Bond takes on an evil media baron - 007's version of Zuckerberg or Bezos. Bad Guy wants to start WWIII between the US and China which would trigger his companies exclusive broadcasting rights, or something. Sheryl Crow belts out the theme tune. Bond still driving a BMW for some reason. Bond Girls actually have personalities too.

The World is Not Enough (1999)
Bond has to stop nuclear meltdown in Istanbul. Villain is scary because he has a bullet lodged in his brain that is slowly inching towards killing him? Theme by Garbage, but not so itself. Denise Richards unconvincing as a nuclear physicist. Bond's BMW gets chopped in half. Good. Neat twist that the other Bond Girl is also a villain.

Die Another Day (2002)
Brosnan's fourth & final appearance, and he's looking bored. Probably one the worst. Halle Berry plays Jinx; only Bond film where Bond Girl gets equal billing. North Korea up to bad things. Villain lair is an ice palace in the arctic. Bond has an invisible car, but at least it's not a BMW. Crap theme song by Madonna. Mirror-powered satellite blasts heat ray, Bond stops it. Where have I heard that one before ?

Casino Royale (2006)
The Daniel Craig era begins on a strong note. Vesper Lynd might be the most interesting and complete of all the Bond Girls. Mads Mikkelsen perfectly cast as main antagonist. One of the few Bond films that doesn't have major plot holes. Awesome theme by the late Chris Cornell of Soundgarden.

Quantum of Solace (2008)
The not-quite-as-great Daniel Craig one. Lots of action but forgettable villain, dull theme song and boring Bond Girl. Secondary Bond girl Strawberry Fields gets offed in a nod to / rip-off of Goldfinger. Bad guy wants to steal Bolivia's water, I think. Bond gets offered a ride in a Beetle.

Skyfall (2012)
Arguably the most gripping in the entire series. Javier Bardem as Silva is a villain with no gimmicks, he's out for revenge. Ralph Feinnes understated and cool, and Ben Wishaw brings Q back with welcome aplomb. Judi Dench is actually given something to do as M for a change & is phenomenal, although Adele's theme is rather dull.

Spectre (2015)
Bond attempts a cinematic universe with a Blofeld origin story. Moriarty from Sherlock wants to take over M's job and make Bond redundant. Bond and Blofeld are foster brothers … what?! Very plot heavy. Craig still a badass. Sam Smith theme song is utterly dreadful, the worst in the franchise. Dave Bautista a cool henchman.

SPY HARD

"ONCE again, there is no milk today", says Colonel Stok, played by Oskar Homolka, in the 1966 Michael Caine film 'Funeral in Berlin'. 

"And so Russian tea was invented", quips Caine’s character, the British spy Harry Palmer.

How times change: during the age of Harry Palmer and his silver screen rival James Bond, it was the Eastern Bloc that was associated with empty shelves, fuel shortages and queues round the block for basic supplies; the sort of things Jeremy Corbyn would happily lock himself in the bathroom for.

But getting back to Palmer and Bond, both of course were men of their time: lethal, ruthless, successful with the ladies while not especially politically correct in their pursuit of them; they were masculine characters in a still masculine age. Sadly, Harry Palmer (by far the more interesting and complex character of the two) didn’t stay the course beyond three movies. 

Bond, with his license to kill, navigates the world with the poise of a ballet dancer, albeit one armed with gadgets and an explosive charm. His adventures are set against the backdrop of exotic locales, where each villain's lair seems to outdo the last in opulence and absurdity. Bond's gadgets, from his wristwatch that could do everything but make the tea, to cars that drive themselves from the depths of villainy, are the stuff of a boy's dream, a gadgeteer's fantasy.

Contrast this with Palmer, whose espionage is far more grey and gritty, his London less a playground than a labyrinth of mundane bureaucracy and cold war tension. Palmer's gadgets are less flamboyant; his weapon of choice might be as simple as a kitchen knife, his spycraft more about the art of survival in a world where the glamour is stripped away, leaving one with the stark reality of the Cold War. 

Where Bond's adventures are underscored by John Barry's lush scores, Palmer's world is one of silence, or perhaps the hum of a tube train, his music the clink of teacups rather than orchestral swells. Bond's identity is his allure, a byword for luxury and danger; Palmer's is his anonymity, a man who could disappear into the crowd, his greatest asset his unremarkable presence.

The question then, of who one would rather be, hinges on whether one prefers their espionage with the garnish of glamour or the bare bones of necessity. Would one choose the life of a Bond, where every mission is a chance to wear another impeccable suit, or that of Palmer, where the suit might be off the rack, but the stakes are no less high? 

In the end, perhaps the choice speaks to one's view of the world: Bond's is one of endless possibility, of global escapades where the only limit is one's imagination or the next scriptwriter's plot twist. Palmer's, however, is a mirror to the real, where the spy game is less about saving the world and more about navigating the mundane with wit and, when necessary, a bit of violence.

So, would you be a spy in the mould of Bond, with all the trappings of a life lived in the fast lane, or would you opt for the quieter, more cerebral existence of Palmer, where the thrill is less in the chase and more in the chess game of survival? In this, as in all things, the choice is a reflection of one's soul, or perhaps, one's taste in cinema.

WHY BORIS PUTS THE 'CON' IN CONSERVATIVE

Boris Johnson, that tousled mop-top of British politics, has managed to embody the very essence of the Conservative Party, but not in the way one might hope. His tenure has been an Everest of self-interest, a veritable Grand Canyon of gaffes, and quite possibly the most entertaining political circus since the days of Caligula. 

You see, Boris has a knack for making headlines, not for his policies or statesmanship, but for his blunders, his buffoonery, and his brilliant ability to conflate the personal with the political. He's the sort who would, in the middle of a parliamentary debate on economic strategy, detour into a discourse on the comparative merits of different types of mop heads. 

The Conservative Party, in its wisdom or perhaps its folly, chose him as their standard-bearer, perhaps thinking his charm could mask the more unsavoury aspects of their collective agenda. But here's the rub: Boris doesn't just mask; he magnifies. Every proposed policy seems to come with a side of controversy, every decision accompanied by a scandal. 

Take, for instance, the matter of Brexit. Here was an opportunity for a statesman to shine, to navigate the treacherous waters of European politics with the grace of a seasoned diplomat. Instead, we got Boris, whose approach might be likened to a man trying to pilot a yacht with a margarita in one hand and a megaphone in the other, shouting directions to the wind.

And then there's the economic policy, or what passes for it under his watch. It's like watching a magician who's forgotten all his tricks but still insists on pulling rabbits out of empty hats. The economy teeters, the pound wobbles, and yet he stands there, grinning, as if the very act of smiling could somehow prop up the markets.

His personal life, too, has become a sort of national soap opera, where the line between public duty and private indiscretions is not just blurred but obliterated. It's as if every time he steps out of Downing Street, he's not just the Prime Minister but also the leading man in some farcical play, with the British public as the captive audience.

But let's not forget his charm, his undeniable charisma, which seems to make even his most ardent critics chuckle before they curse. He's the political equivalent of a lovable rogue, the kind you'd invite for dinner hoping he wouldn't try to sell you your own silverware. 

In essence, Boris Johnson puts the 'con' in Conservative, not merely through deception but through a masterful display of distraction, where the public's gaze is forever fixed on the puppeteer rather than the play. It's a political performance that would make even Machiavelli raise an eyebrow, not because of its cunning, but because of its sheer audacity to be so publicly, so brazenly, flawed.

Thus, we find ourselves in a Britain where the 'Con' in Conservative is not just a prefix but a statement of intent, executed with all the subtlety of a circus parade. And Boris, dear reader, is the ringmaster of this grand, chaotic circus, where every day brings a new act, and the only certainty is that the show must, and will, go on.