It was roughly two years ago that we spent our last happy week together. I think we'd been discussing the Doctor Who episode "Robots of Sherwood". You spent an awful lot of time texting a strange man, but I thought nothing of it. I was certainly, and rightfully suspicious, but I wanted to believe that I could trust you.
It was a decision that backfired in the way that I am forever grateful for.
We had a very intense companionship. A chemistry that made us both feel better about it. People frequently pointed out how we were perfect for each other. Unapologetically goofy, geeky, raucously funny, and most of all, intensely compatible. To this day, I look fondly upon these memories as something I will cherish for the rest of my life.
I graduated in 2002 into the worst economy our generation has had the pleasure of witnessing. As I was trying to find my way in a very confusing world, I admit that my struggles would get the best of me on some nights, and they often did.
Ten years later I met you. I would turn to you for comfort. And you would often turn to me. I understand now that maybe I was often selfish, and that I was washing my negative emotions onto you, as well as trying to absorb yours.
I started the fight that almost began our downfall. I got drunk at a bar with a friend from work. I let slip a concern that had been mounting for a few weeks, as social media alerted me to a friendship that was starting to look too close for comfort.
We struggled on for the next few weeks or so until I finally cracked and opened my soul. Despite an awkward period, we slowly began to fall back into a happy place. Yet even then, after another testing period where I began to let my frustrations show again, I had the sinking feeling we were on borrowed time.
I couldn’t have been more correct.
Because it happened all over again, a whirlwind that came completely out of the blue, and it has finally led to where we are today.
I almost drove you away from me, there’s no questioning the veracity of that. I was screaming for help, a crumb of comfort or drop of water just to keep my fading hopes alive, but you turned your back and watched me burn. I was left with nothing to show for my hard work, commitment and honest determination, just empty lungs and a fractured heart.
Yeah. It hurt. It hurt like hell to be left on the outside without knowing how the other side could have been. Especially when he twisted your mind and made me out to be the interloper, when we all know damn well I was the one who had been well and truly gazumped. You can't have a intellectual talk by masking your emotions, you have to paste a smile in your face, even though your eyes scream the truth and you would never get to have a chance to say what you feel.
Yes, it's horrible, unbearable and according to many of our mutual acquaintances, an injustice too. But love is a sweet pain with the sensitive phenomenon, it will give you happiness and the sadness alike.
I have spent all my life being single. It wasn’t for a lack of trying, but I just couldn’t get into it again after what I had gone through with you. During this time, I’ve done lots of traveling, made many new friendships, and experienced things I never would have had you not been there to share them with me. To be fair, it’s nice to know that we wish each other well, and despite the curiosities that have developed over the years, know that sequels are never quite as good as the original.
The fact of the matter is, I haven’t even seen you even 10% as much I used to do, which was to be expected really. We spent every possible moment together for two years of our lives, were extraordinarily affectionate, and yet you still instantly wrote me off like I never even mattered to you.
I wish I could say that I am upset about this, but I’m glad it went the way it did. I know you were probably nervous that my impulsivity might have led to some nasty messages, and it may have, but in all honesty, I didn’t have the desire to.
It has been a long time since all of this happened, and I am writing this to say that I forgive you. I forgive myself for almost letting you slip out of my life completely, and despite all of the negative emotions that marked the end of our relationship, as it was.
I do wish you well. I want you to know that I will always consider the times we enjoyed together as special, and am putting in a conscious effort to remember you solely for them. I have said some irrevocably nasty things about you since that day, but I assure you they were in anger and frustration.
It's true what they say isn't it ... the more things change, the more they stay exactly the bloody same.