Sunday, 23 May 2021

THE RANTING BRUMMIE'S EUROVISION 2021 RAPID ROSTER RUNDOWN

In the style of Daniel "Nerdcubed" Hardcastle's WWE Rapid Roster Rundowns, in order of appearance, WE HAVE:

Cyprus
Bit of a Pound Shop Shakira. 
Who would have done this 1000% better sexier and better.

Albania
Instrumental and apocalyptic background borrowed from an Uwe Boll movie.
She's giving it her all. But the song is a bog standard Balkan Ballad.

Israel
It's a light up Pretzel hat!
Princess Eugenie eat your heart out.

Belgium
A latter day Lulu or Stevie Nicks
Oh no. No no no.

Russia
Peak chintz, all probably on drugs.

Malta
So that's where all the pies went.

Portugal
Jeremy Irons in a hat.

Serbia
Bauble costumes and a lot of hair. So much hair.
Like every girl group since Eternal.

United Kingdom
We're f***ed.

Greece
This is the theme tune to the next season of Power Girl.

Switzerland
What. On. Earth. Are. Those. Trousers?
Gay Elvis in his fat-bloated-dead-on-the-toilet stage

Iceland
Good song, amazing jumpers.
They are all nerds.

Spain
Drop the 'S'.

Moldova
A kiss on the hand may be quite sentimental but Diamanté is a girls best friend.
The Matrix dancers in the background are waiting for the Pet Shop Boys' tour to resume.

Germany
How is she keeping a straight face?
Like a rhinestone Ukulele cowboy getting unrepeatable offers over the phone.

Finland
Bring back Lordi. 
Fronted by Kimi Raikkonen.

Bulgaria
It's a nice song but not Eurovision. 
Which makes a change.

Lithuania
Iceland did it better but this is more fun. 
Points for enthusiasm and playfulness.

Ukraine
Tron in a petrified forest.
Someone exhumed Rod Hull and gave her Emu to wear.

France
Classy bird with classy breasts.

Azerbaijan
She'll have someone's eye out with those shoulder pads.

Norway
More KLF looking than the KLF.

Netherlands
Expressive dancer came, pranced, then sodded off.

Italy
Mötley Crüe gay tribute act.

Sweden
Good costume, crap song.

San Marino
Daft Punk should sue over the backing dancers.

UPDATE: Gay Mötley Crüe won, we got fuck all.

Wednesday, 17 March 2021

EXIT THE MATRIX

In the 1999 film "The Matrix", the world as we know it is shown to be a computer simulation, created by a race of living machines, where all humans except the escaped ones are prisoners of the machines which exploit them as “living batteries" for their energy source.

There's a scene when Keanu Reeves's character, Neo, spies something in a corridor: A black cat appears, stops and has a stretch. Neo looks away. A few seconds later, he looks back: A black cat appears, stops and has a stretch … the second cat and its actions are exactly those of the first. Neo is unnerved. He can feel something is amiss, but does not know what.  

Was that the same cat? If so, is the cat caught in some sort of time loop? Why would that happen? What does it all mean? He says to his companions: "Déjà vu ..." 

At the time I was actually expecting him say 'whoa' or 'dude', but that was mostly due to the fact that Keanu said this at least once on all the other films I'd seem in in before, or maybe I'd just seen "Point Break" too many times. Anyway, Keanu jokes aside, this would be an inconsequential feeling to express under normal circumstances, but his companions are clearly perturbed. Later, we discover that the cat is a red flag, a warning sign that the Matrix has glitched.  

But why would it glitch? Because the code has been sneakily modified by the villainous Agents who control the Matrix - they have altered reality. If Neo had not observed the cat, or had ignored it, they would have been unaware of the danger they were in.

Looking out for red flags is one of the human mind's best ways of alerting us to danger. Hence why so many of them are on beaches, and why a Formula 1 race waves a red flag in the case of a serious accident that poses a risk to the other drivers. Sometimes they appear insignificant or incidental and are summarily dismissed, but we do not need to be paranoid to see them. Often, they are right in front of us. By adopting ‘soft eyes’, we look at the big picture and be mindful of any possible cloistered motivations.  

This strategy would be particularly pertinent in the current atmosphere extreme left-wing political antagonism of the working class, of Covid-19 and the Great Reset, especially when it comes to current news media and government press briefings.  

There are recommendations for a winter lockdown in 2021; future climate change lockdowns; curfews for [in all but name, straight white] men after 6pm; a self-confessed Sinophile Prime Minister; a hate crime Bill passed in Scotland; the growing demand for facial recognition software in shops; the criminalisation of protests; the proposed Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts Bill; an NHS test and trace budget in the billions. 

Maybe in 2021, we just like to say things like “We're living in the Matrix” - and that may be the truest and deepest influence of a movie whose high-flown paranoia has insinuated itself into the way we live now. "The Matrix" didn’t anticipate our world. But it anticipated - and probably created - a new way of viewing that world, granting everyone permission to refuse to contend with reality by deeming that refusal a form of hyperawareness.

So, are these red flags or just happenstance?

When Morpheus asks Neo to choose between a red pill and a blue pill, he essentially offers the choice between fate and free will. In the Matrix, fate rules, since the world is preconstructed and actions predetermined, all questions already have answers and any choice is simply the illusion of choice. 

In the real world, humans have the power to change their fate, take individual action, and make mistakes. Neo chooses the red pill real life - and learns that free will isn’t pretty. The real world is a mess, dangerous and destitute. Pleasure exists almost entirely in the world of the Matrix, where it’s actually only a computer construct. We are most likely to reject reality if reality had somehow rejected us; we are most likely to suspect entire groups of people of being puppet masters if you hated or feared those groups in the first place. It was no great leap from there to “Soros controls everything.”

So for now, let’s take a cue from Neo. For if we fail to see the black cat, we will suffer the consequences. Still, if we all get to roam around in the future in cool leather trench coats and shades, at least it'll be reasonably fashionable.

Monday, 22 February 2021

LET ME (remember to) ENTERTAIN YOU ...

I started this blog first and foremost because I'm passionate about storytelling, in any form. I appreciate the simple joy of experiencing a work of art for the first time, and that's what entertainment really is when you get right down to it. 

From the humble to extravagant, the derivative to the inspired, whether we love them or hate them. And when they're at their best, they're quite simply remarkable. They have the power to tell stories that uplift our spirits, captivate our imaginations, stir the sense of adventure, or test the limits of our fears. They give us glimpses of fantastical worlds beyond our own existence, presenting ideas that question our assumptions or broaden our horizons.

They give us mighty heroes who inspire us to try harder than we thought necessary, reach further than we thought possible, or risk more than we thought possible. And they give us antagonists and villains who explore our deepest fears, challenge our insecurities, and question our deepest held convictions. 

Stories can do all these things and more. They explore the universal experiences of our lives, they stir emotions regardless of our race, colour or creed, they help to bring us together through our shared experiences, and passions, and fears, and help remind us that we have more in common with each other than we think.

In short, they represent the best of what it means to be human.

But all is not well. Like a lot of you, I've noticed a change in recent years. Our entertainment industries have been under attack, our stories are being sanitized and twisted to serve political agendas, our heroes are being neutered and marginalized, as Hollywood studios try in vain to dance to the everchanging tune of social media activists and perpetually offended serial complainers. 

Old classics are being remade and repackaged by creatively bankrupt studios trying in vain to cash in on nostalgia and name recognition. Our childhood heroes are being wheeled out only to be humiliated and downtrodden to elevate the success of cheap, inferior copies. And everything from the past is being prefaced with idiotic 'warnings' about cultural appropriation, our beloved characters are retooled into being vehicles for present day woke agendas. As a result, the stories themselves are often terribly written even on a fundamental level.

All this does is hurt the value of entertainment itself, and cause a divide where they would previously unite. Stories of the past featured timeless and universal themes and had applicability to everyone, yet today's stories will inevitably become dated to the period that it's in.

And this change has only been accelerated by a dying mainstream media, desperate for views and attention at any cost, to jump on any bandwagon it can find, to delay their inevitable collapse.

It is currently being reported that 550 households a day are cancelling their TV licence, and despite the increase in the number of UK households, this is not being matched by take-up of the licence.  

People no longer need to synchronise their viewing with broadcast times and will watch programmes on catch-up services. They are also making greater use of commercial streaming services and ditching terrestrial broadcasters completely. The TV licence is increasingly redundant, because people can get all the media they want without watching broadcasts or using the BBC’s increasingly uncompetitive woke-polluted iPlayer service. 

The result of all of this is a gradual erosion of narrative quality, thematic depth, artistic meaning, and, well, actual fun in entertainment. The stories we tell are no longer universal and timeless. They've become vapid and shallow, mired in present day cultural angst, and weighed down by clumsy attempts to pander to politics embraced only by an uncessecarily vocal few whose views are not shared by the majority of people. The stories which used to unite us now serve to stoke the fires to division, resentment and petty bickering.

In short, every facet of entertainment we consume today is under threat.

And this worries me, because I'm old enough to remember when things were different. I can appreciate the quality of the stories we used to tell, and I can see what damage we're doing to our artists of today. 

The next generation of moviegoers and filmmakers, such as my eager-eyed 10 year old nephew, is going to grow up in a world where this ridiculous state of affairs is the norm. They won't have that experience needed to strive for something better, and I think we'll all suffer as a result.

But I don't think it has to be this way.

We don't have to lie down and accept the gradual erosion of our art, entertainment and culture. The decline can be reversed through the most fundamental mechanism of all: Money. 

You can have all the political ideology you want, but ultimately if enough people refuse to support products like this, and instead give their money to studios and developers and artists who's only goal is to tell good stories, then the entertainment industry will have a simple choice: Listen to your market, or go out of business.

So I guess that's what this blog is really about. In my own small, heavily cynical way, it's about calling out these failings when I see them. It's about encouraging people to see through the fancy special effects and big budgets to understand the flawed, derivative, meaningless stories that lie beneath, and to resist the checkboxes and just let their imaginations run wild without worrying about who gets mildly offended or not. 

To get back to understanding the real mechanics of storytelling. And where possible, it's about recognizing movies, TV shows and video games, that buck this trend and dare to focus on what's actually important.

Entertainment.