How are you doin' today, ol' buddy?
Feeling okay?
Got a temperature?
Some kind of strange blockage in your bowels that can't be explained?
That would be Donald Trump, the man with hair that would even have Nicky Campbell running for hills screaming in determination to become a hermit, who cannot seemingly open his great big fat booming gob without several tonnes of pure, raw, undiluted excrement pouring out of it, and yet who in defiance of all reasonable human expectations could very well become the next President of the United States of America. The human equivalent of Red Rum in the human equivalent of the Grand National, if the prize for running fastest around Aintree was getting your hooves on 1,800 nuclear warheads.
And this is despite the fact that he actually makes a horse's arse look gifted. And significantly better coiffured.
Now, I appreciate you'll think this is nobody else's business. Especially an overweight Doctor Who fan who lives in a country where more people are voting for Ed Balls in a pantomime reality dancing show than ever did when he stood for public office, I agree there will be many who think a self-made billionaire is the very embodiment of the American Dream that you, and many others in the world, hold dear.
And I can see why you'd think a ranting brummie giving you their opinion would rankle your 1775 sensibilities.
But hear me out, just for a second. We know we sent the God squad over the Atlantic Ocean and created America in the same way we sent a load of Irish convicts over the Pacific Ocean and created Australia - a country that happily tells migrants to bugger off and threatens to sink their boats without anyone so much as battering a eyelid. However, that aside, we don't tell you what to do these days - we even let you cock up the important business of brewing a cup of tea with little more than a sigh - so please treat this as less an instruction and more of an intervention.
One without tanks or nukes, if you can imagine such a thing.
Every nation has its share of idiots, and we in the UK certainly have a huge number of them - most of them being reality TV contestants, the entire populations of Essex and Cheshire, those that are married to Premier League Footballers, and those that watch such mind-numbingly stupid programmes such as "I'm In The Jungle, Please Write Me A Massive Cheque". And I appreciate we've exported some to you. And America has given the world some wonderful things, not least the word "moron" and an awareness of what can be done with a cigar.
But seriously, America, nobody wants Donald.
Not you.
Not us.
Not humanity in general.
Or the rest of the universe and all possible parallel and alternate ones to boot.
Allow me to explain:
This doesn't just affect you - the Leader of the Free World is able to start, or stop, a world war. He or she can dish out aid, salvation or retribution to most of the planet and the rest of the planet don't get a vote. We're all relying on you to get this right, or at least not so wrong that the whole place gets had backwards by a complete liability who couldn't build a wall any more effective than Aston Villa's back four.
The Free World cares very much who you choose, and if you choose Donald Trump there's every chance he's going to find a way to charge us for it. Just like your mate Mr Murdoch. He's a billionaire real estate developer who was the son of a millionaire real estate developer, and four of his businesses have been declared bankrupt - the most recent of them just last year.
This is what we would describe in the UK as " ... doing a bit sh*t ...".
Speaking of which, here in the UK, 'trump' is a well-known slang word for breaking wind ... you may think this is a minor consideration, but if Mr Fart gets into the White House, you will find he is as socially unwelcome as Salmond Rushdie at an Easter parade.
Whether you are Democrat or Republican, you should want the opposing candidate to be competent, capable and a contender. Firstly because the better they are, the better your side has to perform in order to win and therefore the greater mandate they will have, and secondly because on the off chance the other guy wins you don't want him to behave as though he were an ADHD-afflicted, penis-obsessed cretin who has to graffiti his name on everything like a baboon who has been doused with itching powder. In Britain we have Jeremy Corbyn, a man who wants us all to have wire-wool hair and have to go to work everyday on an ox.
I know Britain has a long record of voting for people who later turn out to be utter pillocks, but the important thing to remember is that they seemed a sensible choice at the time of voting. You can't say that of Donald. You can say he's odd, you can say he's over-privileged, you can argue that he's not as good a businessman as he'd have us all believe. But more than anything else you can, without fear of lawsuit, also point out that he's not a long way from barking mad and a HELL of a long way from a sensible choice for anything short of testing hairspray on the far side of the moon.
But I get it America, you’re at a crossroads. We were in the same position as you, and according to who you believe now everything’s on fire because we chose tell a nosey, drunken old Belgian to take his EU-Borg Empire 'project' and stick up his overpaid arse. Trump is occasionally amusing, admittedly, but the rest of the planet would really like it if you remembered what happened last time you voted for a complete and total idiot back at the turn of this century and try, very hard, not to do it again.
Your faithfully,
The Ranting Brummie.