So, it's the Winter Olympics, two weeks of people sliding down ice on tea trays, racing round ovals of ice in all-body condoms, skiing and shooting, more skiing, skiing off hills and down hills, and of course we now have snowboarding, which involves shaggy-haired people in baggy clothes and brightly-reflective sunglasses who go around calling everyone 'dude', flinging themselves around on planks of wood.
I must admit though, I do enjoy watching, especially the bobsleigh, which is basically Formula 1 with four men in an aerodynamically-designed bathtub charging down the cresta run on what amounts to be a clear death wish. It's all a lot of fun, especially as Britain now actually has a decent chance of winning or doing well in some of these sports.
There is however, one notable exception … an anomaly of the Winter Olympics, a event utterly baffling as well as being unbelievably boring at the same time … figure skating.
Figure skating is NOT, never HAS been, and should never, EVER, be considered to be a proper sport.
Now, before those of you who follow or indulge in figure skating whip off your Risports and spike the blade through my aorta after garrotting me with the laces, please note I think figure skaters are not just athletes, but remarkable athletes, requiring strength, speed, stamina, dexterity, balance, timing, guts and just about everything other imaginable athletic skill. Certainly, more athletic skill than I could ever muster, given I have all the grace and fluidity of a heavily-pregnant hippo.
Circus performers work at their craft for years, they entertain the masses with their incredible feats of athleticism (check out any Cirque de Soleil production and you will be amazed at the capacity of humans to perform such feats). Ballet dancers are amazing physical specimens who have grace and beauty in their movements. But, when all is said and done, figure skating is a competition, not a sport.
Oddly it has nothing to do with how difficult or entertaining it is (thank God that Bernie Ecclestone doesn't set the rules, otherwise we'd have skaters having to cope with random pyrotechnics or live snow leopards being released onto the ice if they're being too technical). Rather it is simply a matter of how the winner is determined, in that they use judges. It is the same for gymnastics, diving, beauty pageants or anything that chooses a champion solely by human opinion.
Now, to me a real sport needs to have a definitive, indisputable, quantifiable way to determine a winner. There can be no debate about the scoring system. A ball must go into a goal or through a hoop; a racer reaches home, stops the clock or finishes before the others. The winners run faster, jump higher, score more points or defeat all other opponents en-route to doing so in a final.
Uniforms are required, not feather boas, or sequins. Claude Debussy’s Claire de Lune shouldn't be used as a part of the competition. When done with the Olympics, the next step to becoming professional does NOT entail you skating with large stuffed mascots at Disneyland. Sport and Liberace should never be mentioned in the same sentence.
In many sports a clock is used to determine a winner, but the clock is not subjective. Besides, you can't have 53 guys racing down a ski hill at the same time (as entertaining as that would be, but hey, there's always the snowcross ... ) without some form of chaos, which is a valid reason for tuning in.
Figure skating has bugger all of this. Everything is about interpretation of success. It is about what the judge thinks, believes, feels. There is nothing absolutely quantifiable. Yes, the number of revolutions in a jump counts, or something, but in the end if two people do the same jump, a human has to decide which one he or she likes better.
That is not a sport.
Figure skaters wear fashionable ( … debatably) costumes in an attempt to appear more appealing, more flowing, more beautiful. The women (and most of the men come to think of it … ) wear makeup, get their hair done, wear jewellery, play stirring music. An overweight, ugly person would stand at a considerable, if not insurmountable, disadvantage in figure skating (Jenna Coleman would whip them every time).
A few years ago we had some hoo-ha with two American lady skaters, one was a powerful skater, possibly better at most aspects, but she was shorter, stockier and less feminine. Although she knew she was at a disadvantage against the taller, prettier, more graceful one, she conspired with her redneck boyfriend to have her opponent whacked in one of her skinny little knees. In a real sport, this wouldn't have been necessary. Ugly people can win in boxing, in skiing, in rugby, in soccer, in cricket. Beauty doesn't matter. Style doesn't count. There are no judges. Dominoes is more of a sport than figure skating.
Some devotees of figure skating will argue that referees are essentially judges, determining who scores and who doesn't. But this is wrong, a referee is merely there to assure order and make the competitors follow the rules. A large part of the judging in figure skating is based on aesthetic beauty, which is something most people do not watch sports for. You know a sport is lacking in athletic demand when a choreographer rather than a cornerman is a crucial part of the coaching staff.
Yes, in most sports, the referee has the freedom to determine right and wrong by what he or she sees – a false start, a professional foul, gaining an illegal advantage – but he or she is not determining the final victor. His or her assignment is to simply ensure that the field of fair play is adhered to by both sides. The refs can't just say that while one team scored more points or goals, in their opinion they thought the other team played better anyway.
This creates a bizarre paradox where something like darts is a sport and figure skating isn't, even though to compare the level of necessary athletic ability is comical. But it is what it is. Lewis Hamilton's Mercedes may be a clear class above other cars in Formula One at the moment, but he proved himself worthy of it by winning in categories where the equipment was basically identical.
Of course, many Winter Olympic sports are based on judges' scoring, including the snowboarding competition. But at least the scoring in sports like snowboarding is easier to decipher; the millions of people watching could see that the baggy-clothed, shaggy haired dude who won gold did so because his tricks were more impressive than those of his competitors, so there was no controversy when he was crowned the winner.
With figure skating, however, people will be left thinking they saw two fairly equal performances, only to find that the judges have somehow decreed that one was “far better” than the other.
There is one exception to this though: boxing, (or UFC / MMA or other kind of fighting / combat sports). However, this is fine because a clear victor can still be achieved (with a knockout). The judges are only used when the fight has gone on so long that it has to be stopped for the safety of the competitors. Of course, the presence of judges is why boxing is considered the most corrupt sport of them all.
Other than that, no judge should ever determine a winner in a true sport. When you have that, whether it is figure skating, gymnastics, gymkhana or diving, you have a competition. It isn't any different than "The X Factor", "Celebrity Big Brother", "Coach Trip" or "Strictly Come Dancing". It can entertain, the athletes can be talented, but don't tell me it's in any possible way a sport.
It simply just isn't. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch the curling …