Apologies to you first of all, for the fact my last post was a load of rubbish. I genuinely couldn’t think of anything funny to rant about so I resorted to that last bastion of a bored blogger with nothing to do except wait until the end of the year so I can sleep for two weeks solid, and wrote some gumph about food and calorie counting.
I must have bored you to sleep. Speaking of which, did you know that sleep is underrated ?? According to experts, it is as important to your health as exercise, nutrition, avoiding hungry Bengal tigers and not being accidentally set on fire. And it's quite possibly the easiest route to self-improvement and happiness imaginable.
All you have to do is just lie around doing nothing for eight solid hours, genius !! It’s so simple, even the second-generation offspring of a village idiot and a GMTV weathergirl could do it.
Nowadays, you can’t really count on much anymore. But one thing is for sure: two times a year, the time is shifted. Once a year, in fall, we win one hour, which I am personally very excited about every year, since there is one more hour for sleep, cuddling or whatever comes to my mind … But when I think about the time in spring, when the clock will be shifted from 3 am to 4 am and we loose one hour, my stomach gets a little upset – it’s a pretty bad loss, that hurts very much.
Yet amazingly, concerned health campaigners apparently want Britain's schoolchildren to be given "sleep lessons" to teach them the benefits of regular night-long kip. This is actually quite an exciting development, because it raises the prospect of "sleep exams" – practical snoozing assessments that even the dumbest school kid could master with their eyes closed, sounds perfect.
It's easy to sleep when you're a kid. Your mind and body skitter around all day until they burn themselves out, leaving you blissfully knackered when the sun goes down. You've really only got two modes: on and off, kind of like a modern toaster.
But once you reach adulthood, things are altogether less binary. You've got responsibilities and concerns, not to mention an alarm clock with a sarcastically oversized face sitting beside the bed gleefully mocking any attempt at getting some shuteye.
Chances are you've spent your day mumbling at your co-workers, bumping into office furniture and performing many mundane chores. Your brain spends the day in a state of drowsy, languid semi-consciousness, and only decides to spring into life when it’s time for the lights to go out.
The insomniac brain is a bit like a fleshy i-Pod, your skull is pre-loaded with various modes with for several hours. Sometimes your companion is a peppy irritant who passes the time by humming half-remembered 1980’s TV theme tunes until you have the urge to garrotte them with their own underpants.
Other times it's a critic who has recently compiled a 1,500-page report on your life so far and wants to run you over with it a few times before going to print. Worst of all is the hyperactive sports reporter who delivers an uninterrupted running commentary describing which bits of your body are currently the least comfortable. No matter where you put that leg, he won't be satisfied, he's convinced your jaw could unlock with a yawn and you’ve almost certainly got the world’s itchiest bottom.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, that well known professional Austrian and part-time mysogynist, describes that he gets up early to complete a training session. Afterwards, he has breakfast, feeds his furry companion and includes some play time. He calls his kids to tell them that he loves them, reads one or two scripts and informs himself in German and English newspapers about actual happenings. “At this time it’s about 5 o’clock in the morning” he says.
This is the point at which "sleep lessons" might actually come in handy. That's when you need all the help you can get. But before the experts get too carried away, let’s have practical tips only, please. No one needs to be told how important it is for your health. We've all experienced the aftermath of a sleepless night, especially after a heavy session in the Austin Sports & Social Club.
I've even got a phrase for it: "time-poisoning".
Anyway, here's a list of some of my own sleeping "dos and don'ts" guaranteed to give you a good night's slumber.
1) DO keep your eyes closed. Amazingly, this helps a lot.
2) DON'T try to convince yourself you're asleep by making comical snoring noises that sound like an angry polar bear chewing a chainsaw in a wind tunnel.
3) DO focus on slowing your breathing down as much as possible. Imagine there's a speed camera at the end of the bed pointing at your face that can photograph air. If you inhale or exhale too quickly, it'll fire a sharpened steel bolt straight into your forebrain.
4) DON'T go to bed wearing a makeshift crown fashioned from old coat hangers and jingle bells - if you do, don't sit upright violently shaking your head from side to side.
5) DO keep the "worrying cells" of your brain occupied. Imagine you're a contestant on Countdown, but try not to picture the gigantic clock … If you start thinking about that, quickly interrupt yourself by imagining Jeff Stelling throwing to an ad break.
6) DON'T stay in bed if you haven't fallen asleep within 30 mins. Instead, get up and do something practical, such as drive a car, operate some heavy machinery or retype “The Fourth Protocol” with your feet.
7) DO drink nine litres of warm milk before bed. Lace it with some crushed diphenhydramine if you feel.
There, simples. Nighty-Night.