Czech Republic
Did she just step out of the shower? Maybe she took a dip in the stage fountains before the show.
Great beat but she sounds like she's had 10 pints down the King's Arms and is doing the karaoke.
Romania
He looks very, very, very uncomfortable in those trousers.
Also those hankies used to be three for a pound down Altrincham Market.
Portugal
Bugger, its the first of the ballads, courtesy of Portuguese Clannad.
They'll be playing this in Garden Centres in Lisbon for years to come.
Finland
Oh my god !! It's actually The Rasmus !!
Doing a pound shop cosplay of the kid that got eaten by Pennywise the Clown in Stephen King's IT.
Switzerland
Roger Daltrey's secret love child. Will only probably get saved form nul points by the jury vote.
France
Stop! Hammer Time! I miss the classy bird with the classy breasts from last year.
Norway
Try and see what happens if you ACTUALLY tried to give a wolf a banana.
And wonder why you no longer have any fingers left.
Armenia
Good job there's no pyrotechnics on this one.
At least she can go to bed in those pyjamas now she's done.
Italy
Italy's "My Lovely Horse" entry.
Because nobody ever wants to win twice due to the eyewatering cost of staging the thing.
Spain
It works for her in a kind of flamenco Madonna way.
Also helps that she has buttocks that could probably enter Eurovision all on their own.
Netherlands
Oh, boy, she's a Dadadadadadadadada-ist.
Not to mention she doesn't know how do her buttons up properly.
Ukraine
Every single 1990's white rapper cliché thrown into a blender.
It's not the best thing of the night, but I am sure it will win, and it's obvious why.
Germany
So many instruments on stage he literally can't make his mind up which one to play.
Lithuania
Surprise, surprise!!! It's Lithuanian Cilla Black.
Azerbaijan
If you build it, they will come, numb, numb.
I will be by the time we get through another ten of these.
Belgium
Lewis Hamilton in a tin-foil jacket you could turn inside out and roast a chicken in.
Greece
They want this to be a James Bond theme so much it practically hurts.
Iceland
This is Eurovision, not the Grand Ole Opry.
Smack the Pony should sue.
Moldova
The Beastie Boys meets Benny Hill.
Somehow even worse and more clichéd than Ukraine.
Sweden
Best song by a mile, best singer by a mile, definitely should win.
She's also bloody gorgeous. I want to move to Stockholm, live in a castle with her and have lots of babies with her.
Australia
Very effeminate man desperate to keep the flies off his face.
Never gave us any points, the ungrateful colonial bastards!
United Kingdom
Best thing we've entered in years, but nonetheless still a cross between Bill Bailey and Elton John.
Poland
The staging is rather funky but I do wish someone would carry him away as he suggests.
Serbia
For some reason this uncomfortably reminds me of Julianne Moore in The Big Lebowski.
Estonia
So you wanted to do a western theme at Eurovision.
Then you really should have gone the whole hog and had backing line dancers.
Ukraine won in the end … predictably.
AND WE CAME SECOND !!!