IN MEMORY OF HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN

The death of Her Majesty the Queen, announced a short time ago, is a seismic event for the United Kingdom and a profound emotional shock that will be felt by millions around the world. It was, of course, always an inevitability, as it is for all of us. And in recent months it was clear that the Queen had obviously become increasingly frail.

Nevertheless, it felt unthinkable that one day she would no longer be with us. We allowed ourselves to imagine that she would go on for ever. For so many of us this evening, this feels like a personal bereavement. Something of priceless value has been torn from us, and we feel devastated. The Queen was most deeply loved by millions, who showed their profound feeling for her and for what she meant to them when they came out in their hundreds of thousands to cheer her at her Platinum Jubilee celebrations earlier this year.

It’s not just because her reign lasted for an astonishing 70 years, the longest in the country’s history. It’s because she was the constant, still centre of the nation, always reassuring, always a beacon of optimism, always felt to be somehow embracing all of us. She was the symbol of consistency, the link between the generations, the rock to whom we were tethered as the storms of the world raged around us. She was always just there. Now she isn’t. And we feel devastated.

She held the country together because of the way she effaced herself to become the quintessence of duty and selfless service to her people, a symbol of unity and true inclusion. We watched the way she conducted her great office — her calmness, her strength, her fortitude, her kindliness and humility — and we felt soothed and reassured that, in looking at her example, we were gazing at ourselves as a nation in the mirror she held up to us. She loved us with a deep devotion; and in return we loved her.

Never have those qualities she embodied been more needed than they are now. It’s impossible not to feel that her passing marks not just the loss of a unique public servant and a great soul, but also the loss of a Britain that belonged to a different era — a Britain of strength and resilience, a Britain of self-restraint and grounded pragmatism, a Britain of true tolerance and gentleness, a Britain whose passing we also most deeply mourn.

The Queen was the embodiment of that Britain. Her death is a source of the deepest grief.

May her memory be a blessing.

 HM QUEEN ELIZABETH II 

 1926 - 2022 

HERE COMES THE SUN … NOW I WISH IT WOULD F**K OFF !!!

Well, it finally happened. The sun, that great celestial bully, has decided to grace us with its presence, and in doing so, has turned our lives into a sort of grand, uncomfortable beach party from which there is no escape. Everything officially and feels a little brighter and smells a little different (or, in my neck of the woods, smells like Farmer Giles has decided to do a lap of the park in his oldest and most un-sanitised muck spreader). 

One might think that after months of the typical British dampness, we'd welcome this solar assault with open arms, but no. It's like having a long-lost relative who you remember fondly from childhood, only to find upon their return that they've become insufferable.

The weather forecast promised sun, and like a fool, I believed it. I ventured out, not with the joy of a child on the first day of summer, but with the trepidation of a man who knows the fine line between warmth and roast. The streets were filled with people, each one seemingly less accustomed to daylight than the last, their pale skins turning various shades of lobster red under this cruel, unyielding light.

In my youth, the sun was a friend, a companion in mischief, but now, it's an enemy. It's not just the heat; it's the light. The relentless light that forces one to squint, to fumble for sunglasses that have somehow disappeared into the abyss of one's own home. The heat is one thing, but the glare? That's an assault on the senses, a reminder that perhaps we should have stayed in the cool, dark womb of winter.

And then there's the issue of shade. In Birmingham, shade is as rare as a straight answer from Sir Kier Starmer. Every bench, every tree, is claimed by those who got there first, leaving the rest of us to wander like nomads in search of a shadow. The parks, once serene, are now battlegrounds where only the quickest or the most cunning can find respite from the sun's tyranny.

I remember a time when I would bask in the sun, but now, I find myself wishing for clouds, for rain, for anything that might break this spell of light. The sun, in its infinite arrogance, seems to ignore my pleas, continuing its daily path across the sky, unbothered by the discomfort it causes.

The irony of it all is that we Britons, who complain incessantly about rain, are now bemoaning the sun. It's a national pastime, this weather whinging, but there's a certain poetry to it, a rhythm to our collective gripes. Perhaps we should learn to embrace the sun with the same begrudging acceptance we give to our less sunny days.

But for now, I'll retreat indoors, where the light is softer, the heat less oppressive, and where I can nurse my sunburn with a cup of tea, contemplating the British summer with all the joy of a man about to step into a sauna fully clothed.

THE RANTING BRUMMIE'S EUROVISON 2022 RAPID ROSTER RUNDOWN

Czech Republic

Did she just step out of the shower? Maybe she took a dip in the stage fountains before the show. 

Great beat but she sounds like she's had 10 pints down the King's Arms and is doing the karaoke.

Romania

He looks very, very, very uncomfortable in those trousers. 

Also those hankies used to be three for a pound down Altrincham Market.

Portugal

Bugger, its the first of the ballads, courtesy of Portuguese Clannad. 

They'll be playing this in Garden Centres in Lisbon for years to come.

Finland

Oh my god !! It's actually The Rasmus !! 

Doing a pound shop cosplay of the kid that got eaten by Pennywise the Clown in Stephen King's IT.

Switzerland

Roger Daltrey's secret love child. Will only probably get saved form nul points by the jury vote.

France

Stop! Hammer Time! I miss the classy bird with the classy breasts from last year.

Norway

Try and see what happens if you ACTUALLY tried to give a wolf a banana. 

And wonder why you no longer have any fingers left.

Armenia

Good job there's no pyrotechnics on this one. 

At least she can go to bed in those pyjamas now she's done.

Italy

Italy's "My Lovely Horse" entry. 

Because nobody ever wants to win twice due to the eyewatering cost of staging the thing.

Spain

It works for her in a kind of flamenco Madonna way. 

Also helps that she has buttocks that could probably enter Eurovision all on their own.

Netherlands

Oh, boy, she's a Dadadadadadadadada-ist. 

Not to mention she doesn't know how do her buttons up properly.

Ukraine

Every single 1990's white rapper cliché thrown into a blender. 

It's not the best thing of the night, but I am sure it will win, and it's obvious why.

Germany

So many instruments on stage he literally can't make his mind up which one to play.

Lithuania

Surprise, surprise!!! It's Lithuanian Cilla Black.

Azerbaijan

If you build it, they will come, numb, numb. 

I will be by the time we get through another ten of these.

Belgium

Lewis Hamilton in a tin-foil jacket you could turn inside out and roast a chicken in.

Greece

They want this to be a James Bond theme so much it practically hurts.

Iceland

This is Eurovision, not the Grand Ole Opry. 

Smack the Pony should sue.

Moldova

The Beastie Boys meets Benny Hill. 

Somehow even worse and more clichéd than Ukraine.

Sweden

Best song by a mile, best singer by a mile, definitely should win. 

She's also bloody gorgeous. I want to move to Stockholm, live in a castle with her and have lots of babies with her.

Australia

Very effeminate man desperate to keep the flies off his face. 

Never gave us any points, the ungrateful colonial bastards!

United Kingdom

Best thing we've entered in years, but nonetheless still a cross between Bill Bailey and Elton John.

Poland

The staging is rather funky but I do wish someone would carry him away as he suggests.

Serbia

For some reason this uncomfortably reminds me of Julianne Moore in The Big Lebowski.

Estonia

So you wanted to do a western theme at Eurovision.

Then you really should have gone the whole hog and had backing line dancers.

Ukraine won in the end … predictably.

AND WE CAME SECOND !!!