One of the reasons I do what I do as regards this blog is that I'm not really good at waking up. Seriously, I have nearly injured my hand turning off the alarm clock. On my bedside table you'll find eye covers, ear plugs, and a Jeremy Clarkson book. I don't read it first thing in the morning, of course; the book is to throw at the birds when they get too noisy. (Don’t worry the RSPB - it's only the paperback version).
For my birthday I once got an alarm clock that sang; 'Waking up is hard to do'. As if we didn't have reason enough to hate Neil Sedaka. I can't even sleep when the snooze button is set. Post-alarm-clock sleep is like a shower that will, at any moment, turn ice cold. I've always had trouble falling asleep anyway, something to do with those bedtime stories of yore...
"And the monsters came to overtake the city and make their homes in the closets of children everywhere. The end. Good night, son."
Chances are you've spent your day mumbling to co-workers, bumping into furniture and performing pedestrian chores. Your brain spends the daylight hours in a state of drowsy semi-consciousness, and only decides to spring into life when the lights go out. And ‘morning people’ really take the jam out of my doughnut. By the time you wake up, they've already jogged ten miles and rebuilt the patio.
"You're supposed to wake up at sunrise," they say, "like a rooster."
Rubbish, you’re not supposed to wake up at any time that isn’t natural. And if a rooster wakes me up at sunrise, you'll know exactly what I'm going to be having for breakfast that morning !!
Last week I went to a Doctor Who convention in London with a young woman who gets so little sleep herself owing to the crazy amount of sheer stuff she crams into her life it's frightening, and owing to the travel arrangements we had made, subsequently cancelled, then remade again, I had to haul my sorry carcass out of bed at 4am.
First, I didn't even know they made a 4 am; but as I lay in bed, eyes bleeding, EH EH EH EH, I started to wonder:
"What if I did go back to sleep ?? I'd make new friends..."
It was cold, too, one of those days when the blankets fuse to your body like an-over amorous shower curtain. It took 30 minutes to finally haul my sorry carcass into full consciousness.
Have you ever been so tired that you can't even get up to go the lavatory ?? You almost want to let it be and deal with it later. Maybe there's a market for this ... Presenting the new deep-sleep adult undergarment ... Yellow and blue makes green !!
My brother-in-law’s best friend Dave, father of twins, bragged about 'sleeping in' till 7 a.m. Let this be a lesson to you young people. When they say to use precautions, this is exactly what you're protecting yourself against. Dave's kids go off at any old hour, and he can't throw a exactly lob a book at them and not worry about taking heat from the RSPB.
And why, since we're on the subject, would anyone actually want to sleep like a baby ?? They wake up crying; they don't know where they are … It's like the life and times of Paul Gascoigne.
Fact: If the alarm clock woke you up this morning, you did not get enough sleep. And now you're being catty. There. It's been said. You almost can't blame the people at Starbucks.
"Yeah, gimme a triple espresso latte and, uh, serve it in a syringe."
Starbucks isn't the only pusher in town either. Whatchyou want, man, whatchyou want ?? We got Red Bull, Vivarin, Buzz Bites, Monster III and Pro-Plus. Then we skid away to our next appointment - no time to say goodbye, hello, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late. They say that the Native American Indians had no concept of time, that it was a gift along with alcohol, firearms, and Rock ‘n’ Roll.
The point being that there is little in life that can't be helped by eight hours sleep and a bowel movement. So ask not for whom the alarm clock buzzes; it buzzes for thee. I'll therefore leave you with these wise words of wisdom from The Beatles, namely a track from “Revolver”, aptly titled, “I’m Only Sleeping”;
When I wake up early in the morning,
Lift my head, I'm still yawning,
When I'm in the middle of a dream,
Stay in bed, float up stream.
Please don't wake me, no,
Don't shake me,
Leave me where I am,
I'm only sleeping.
Everybody seems to think I'm lazy,
I don't mind, I think they're crazy,
Running everywhere at such a speed,
Till they find, there's no need.
Never a truer word spoken, nighty-night !!