Isn’t it amazing at Christmas time ?? You see people indulging to such great extremes. There are sides to human nature which I think sometimes make you question the sanity of certain individuals. For instance, why is it that just before Christmas, you see people buying so much food, you would think that there is a major famine crisis impending. They buy so many loaves of bread you would think they were going to feed an army. Buying so much milk, you would think it’s used to feed a class of school kids for a week.
(That is if Margaret Thatcher hadn’t scrapped that of course).
And kids often get through so many selection boxes to send the shares of Cadburys, not to mention several other confectionery companies, though the roof. It is incredible that, in such a relatively short period, how much is bough and consumed. But talking of over-indulgence, did you know that the average person consumes around 7,000 calories on Christmas Day ?? That's enough to make that bloke from 'MAN vs FOOD' stop in his tracks and wince.
Attractive young girls stop male shoppers dead in their tracks as they wander through the department stores, asking if they have a special lady in their life that they want to buy a present for (to which the answer by the way, sadly, is still no !!). Their sole aim is to get you to buy an expensive bottle of perfume or some other item which will cost you a pretty penny.
Which they usually achieve by pumping the said products into your face with the force of a blunderbuss, having first seemingly applied it to their own mushes by means of a garden trowel. They give you such sweet talk as they look you in the eye and reveal their pearly white teeth. But only the really gullible would fall for their spiel, but then there are those who lean towards the criminally intended, such as those dodgy street sellers or those who exhibit their wares at car boot sales.
Believe me, there are characters out there who would make Arthur Daley and Del Boy Trotter look like small-time amateurs in comparison. Even burglars and thieves are probably doing more overtime because they think there is more booty to be found. All thanks to people foolish to leave wrapped presents on their car back seats.
Until recently, however, there was one feature of Christmas that filled me with absolute terror and dread. It genuinely made me shiver with fear whenever it was mentioned. It was the mould on the smoked salmon, the ARGOS sale advert during “Miracle on 34th Street”, the damp log on the fire ... the 'Works Do' ...
Christmas in Britain these days is almost completely ruined by the nature of office parties. The streets become overwhelmed with people who have drunk more liquid than a thirsty elephant owned by George Best and have managed to completely lose all sense of ability to walk in a straight line. And the atmosphere in every restaurant and pub in the country is utterly wrecked by those who order food not so much for its taste, but for its aerodynamic efficiency.
What’s more, it’s almost impossible to actually get anyone on the phone because they are either finding an outfit to ruin or trying to book an appointment with the hairdressers. There are people out there who put more effort into office parties than the actual family event itself a few days later. A few years ago I decided enough was enough ... and decided to get involved in organising one myself.
I thought it would have been like helping to organise my best mate's stag do, then I realised that THAT sort of night out – lots of projective vomit and silly hats - is as far likely to be removed from yours as well as mine. We really needed all office party stereotypes removed, and it was almost a bit like asking Stevie Wonder to organise the World Snooker Championship.
So we all went bowling instead. And my best mate's fiancé subsequently called their wedding off.
Thus, having subsequently handed responsibilities over to someone who actually knows what they're doing, our last last few Christmas Office bashes have been great, more fun than watching a wombat stuck in a washing machine, a great way to put another year of hard work behind us.
And the best bit of all, there was absolutely NO snogging or any bottom-photocopying involved ...
So, now all I need to do is shake off this three-day hangover, go and watch the new Star Wars movie and look forward to a brand new episode of 'Doctor Who' on Friday.
Then spend the next week in hibernation.
Merry Christmas Everybody !!