During my days as an anaesthetised teenager I had something of an obsession with records. No, I'm not talking about the "two turntables and a mic, watch me scratch this beat behind my back" kind of records, but more on the unsurpassed accomplishment exploit type of records.
If I wasn't studying the Guinness Book of World Records like it was my bible, I was coming home to break my own personal records on a regular basis. From trying to break my personal best in the garden pond long-jump, from having vomit-inducing speed eating contests with my friends, I even think I had a string of 20 straight victories in the age old immature game of pencil fighting.
Aren't there certain in things in life that you feel that you do so often that you should hold some sort of record for it ?? Have you ever played your favourite song constantly, visited a store an ungodly amount of times, said a phrase that you have uttered a million times to the point that if Guinness was around documenting your repetitive behaviour, somewhere a pimply kid will be reading about your exploits in a yearly record book ??
Why is it though, however, there is always something that can be measured, always someone trying to get the longest, shortest, highest, biggest, smallest or just the most stupidly useless ?? There are some really cool records in the Guinness Book of World Records, which is great, since when I think of world records being set, I associate it with the Olympics, or these other great events that give inspiration and motivation. However, there are also some of the most ridiculous / stupid / useless records in here too.
You just have to roll your eyes at the man who decided that it would be a significant achievement in the history of mankind to get a car through a gap a whole 1cm narrower than the previous record. Sure, he managed to do it on two wheels, but seriously, if you really want to get through a narrow gap on two wheels, wouldn’t it be a lot easier just to get on a motorbike ??
We also had some poor deluded soul from London who decided to spend his time trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records by eating the most Ferrero Rocher chocolates in one minute. What great figure did he consume, I hear your cry ?? A truly earth-shattering, mind-boggling, truly astonishing total of … five.
Now, I am no expert on the subject and I certainly don’t have a PhD in Chocolate Consumption, nor am I especially fond of Ferrero Rocher chocolates, which basically have all the taste and nutritional value of reconstituted cardboard dipped in the contents of my Nan's old Hoover bag, but I would say that biting a mere five choccies in sixty seconds is a little bit of a pitiful attempt. Unless they had to be consumed through a straw. Up his nose.
Of course, sometimes you don’t even need to go to any effort to be a record-breaker. According to theregister.co.uk, Colin Wells, a workshop foreman for Stagecoach Buses, is ‘the most spammed man in the United Kingdom’, with a staggering 44,000 e-mails reaching his inbox each day. Most of you would seriously think this as a sign that maybe it just might be about time to consider a change of e-mail address, but instead he lets the removal of junk mail consume his life after catching the accolade of having ‘the most …’ and challenging the rest of the world to try and top it.
But why ?! It’s about as pointless as trying to staple custard to the wall and about as much use as an ejector seat on a helicopter !! I don't know, maybe no one else feels this way, but the following are a list of things I feel I have done enough times to garner me a world record, if the good people at Guinness recorded such things;
* Most unconvincing impersonation of Prince Charles.
* Most half-arsed collection of Star Trek videos.
* Most heartless punishment of a pet hamster.
* Shortest attempt at a diet.
* Longest item left unsold on e-Bay.
* Most obviously made-up autobiography.
* Worst reason to avoid watching “Big Brother”.
* Least convincing attempt at building a rocket-propelled pogo stick.
* Least convincing attempt at creating a nuclear-powered, computer-controlled, intercontinental ballistic duck.