A is for: Advertising
Go to the cinema 20 years ago and you would be treated to cheaply-produced adverts for local restaurants, amusement arcades and bridal fashion shops, which usually consisted of a single piece of cardboard held in front of the camera, wobbling in and out of focus, which had a telephone number and logo on it. Then it would be 20th Century Fox or something and they got the on with the film.
Now it’s a glut of spoilerific trailers, more adverts than ITV ruin their Football coverage with, a test of the THX audio and visual systems that melt your retinas and shred your eardrums, and it’s always ‘A Cheeky Monkey Title’, or ‘A Cheeky Monkey Production’, or ‘A Cheeky Monkey Project’ … who cares !! I JUST WANT TO WATCH THE SODDING FILM !!
B is for: Blues Brothers 2000
An absolute travesty of entertainment which urinates on all the good things from it's predecessor, including John Belushi’s rotting corpse.
C is for: Carry On Films
How to write a Carry On Film in 5 Easy Steps; Bernard Bresslaw chases after Jim Dale, who trips and knocks into Barbara Windsor. Her bra flies off, hits Charles Haughtry in the face and Kenneth Williams says "Oooooh!" Sid James looks at Windsor's breasts and laughs like a stalling tractor engine. Hattie Jacques scolds him. The End.
D is for: Dark
As in glasses, black suits, black ties, and possibly a hat or earpiece. People who wear black suits with black ties are so common in movies that they might as well just turn the camera off.
E is for: Edward Scissorhands
Modern-day fairy-tale conceived and directed by the interestingly twisted Tim Burton. Plans are allegedly afoot for a sequel involving new characters Richard Calculatorears, John Rulerpenis and Jemima Pencilerasorknees.
F is for: Full frontal nudity
A sure-fire way to get any film an 18 rating and add several thousands of pounds to it's takings at the box-office is to feature lots of lady bumps, and the odd one-eyed trouser snake. At least, that was, until it became commonplace on Channel 4 in the mid 1990‘s.
G is for: Git
That insufferable man who deliberately sits in the seat behind you in the cinema, and spends the entire film crunching gravel out of a crisp packet fitted with a 900-watt amplifier borrowed from the Foo Fighters.
H is for: Harvey Keitel
Mean Streets, Bad Lieutenant, Reservoir Dogs. He specialises in playing mean gangster-type people, which curiously fails to explain why he was in kiddie-ape film “Dunston Checks In“. My Dad likes that film, because it feature mindless cartoon violence.
I is for: India
I still haven't seen a Bollywood film. I think it was one of my new year's resolutions in 2002 …
J is for: Jar-Jar Binks
It has been suggested that Binks represents a human being created by over 500 generations worth of inbreeding. His place in the British royal family is assured. Since I hate the Star Wars prequels and would rather allow a diaphoretic buffalo to poop into my ear than watch them, I really don’t give a toss.
K is for: Kill Jar-Jar Binks, Jar-Jar Binks must die, Jar-Jar Binks death
Items that appear under the "popular searches" heading on Google if you search for "Jar-Jar Binks". Peter Kay’s Doctor Who monster was worse, but what the hell ??
L is for: Live action versions of cartoon series
Cartoons are cartoons - they - are - not - real !! Unless you're watching Cool World. And that had a cartoon / human bonk scene in it.
M is for: Mystery Science Theatre 3000
The format: A crappy old horror film is shown. Superimposed on the bottom are a row of cinema seats, two of which are occupied by strangely shaped robot puppets. As the film is shown they take the piss out of it. And that's about it. Now superseded by Rifftrax and the Nostalgia Critic.
N is for: No point in watching this whatsoever
Fifty Shades of Grey.
O is for: Orange, A Clockwork
Beethoven loving sociopath Alex likes nothing better than to get out of his face on drugged milk and commit some "ultra-violence" - until he is treated with equal brutality by the penal system. Banned by the director, it was re-released following Kubrick's death. The film is now unsettling for one reason: the portrayal of Britain in the near-future looks exactly like Alum Rock.
P is for: Pi
Tedious, plodding, pretentious twaddle - a fair description of Pi. Filmed entirely in black and white, it centres around a mathematician who is about to solve an equation that explains the universe. Or something along those lines, anyway. Later reshot as "Life of Pi", which sounds like a Gok Wan cook book.
Q is for: Quigley Down Under
The only film I can come up with off the top of my head which starts with the letter Q. Except Q: The Winged Serpent. And that wasn’t a proper film.
R is for: Rewriting History
America won and everyone else lost. Period. Hollywood is effecting the necessary historical changes. Apparently us Brits were too busy drinking Pimms and waxing our moustaches to get into the planes and fight, so Ben Affleck did all by himself. And the American’s DID NOT lose the Vietnam War … it was a score draw.
S is for: SenSurround
An early 90’s cinematic gimmick which entailed having whacking huge bass speakers screwed into the floor of the theatre. All the seats would then shake at strategic points in the plot, providing 'force feedback' feature for the audience. The idea was great for films about earthquakes and volcanoes, but somewhat redundant for documentaries and films about romance and teenage angst. And when someone shat themselves during the bit of “Jurassic Park” when the T-Rex makes it's first appearance, it was game over.
T is for: Twilight.
If you would excuse me, I am now going to be rather hideously sick.
U is for: U-571
See: Rewriting history.
V is for: Video Games
Dear Hollywood … can you possibly please, please, please, please, please, please, please just STOP making any more movies based on Video Games. They will suck. They just will.
W is for: Worst movie of all time
Titanic - you have to wait 2 bloody hours for the good bit where the boat sinks and DiCaprio drowns. Then you need not watch the rest of it.
X is for: X-Men
Best movie to be spun-off from a comic book. Ever. Period. Apart from Deadpool. And probably Avengers Endgame.
Y is for: You don't need to watch the movie because …
Save time, money and retinal wear by just reading the following list and not bothering to see the film;
* The Usual Suspects: Kevin Spacey's cripple character is Kaiser Sozay.
* Fight Club: Tyler is a schizophrenic extension of the protaganist's personality.
* The Sixth Sense: HE’S ALREADY DEAD !!
* The Crying Game: She’s a guy in drag.
* The Blair Witch Project: They all die and you never see anything.
* Titanic: The boat sinks and DiCaprio drowns. (See: Worst move of all time)
* Twilight: Nothing even remotely interesting happens the whole way through.
* Scream: The killer is the boyfriend, working with an accomplice.
Z is for: Zulu
Second most watched film by me and my Grandad when I was off school with Chickenpox. (most watched btw … is The Great Escape)