(Disclaimer: This post WAS meant to be published before the Australian Grand Prix, and therefore before the farcical qualifying system that was about as entertaining as a programme on BBC4 in which a man with a beard explains why air is see-though ...)
January:
Organisers of the new European Grand Prix in Azerbaijan issue a statement denying that the track is too dangerous for Formula One, but it is unrecieved as all the press fall down a ravine on their way to the track. Lewis Hamilton grows sideburns to look more aggressive. Nico Rosberg finds a goldfish in his helmet. New Haas launched in controversy when someone points out that the word 'Ferrari' is faintly visible under the paintwork. Max Verstappen & Carlos Sainz make TV advert for Old Spice.
February:
Malaysian GP moved from Kuala Lumpur to Knockhill at the request of Sir Jackie Stewart and is renamed the Albanian GP. Nico Rosberg finds a ferret in his helmet. Bernie Ecclestone announces FOCA will be renamed as Formula One Constructor's Union & Properties Society. Toto Wolff and Christian Horner unhappy that they now are represented by FOCUPS.
March:
Australian GP is again threatened by both environmentalists and also people who cannot receive 'Eastenders' on BBC1. Banners read "Save Albert Park and Albert Square." Lewis Hamilton shaves his sideburns. Nico Rosberg finds an iguana in his helmet. Kimi Raikkonen wins Bahrain GP, lapping everybody twice after he finds out Finland is also leading the Eurovision Song Contest. Algerian GP cancelled and replaced with an inter-driver Cricket match in Kuala Lumpor.
April:
Lewis Hamilton voted 'Best Dressed Man in Formula One', the judging panel includes Worzel Gummidge, Bob Geldof, and Gok Wan wearing some very dark sunglasses. Nico Rosberg finds a kitten inside his helmet. Lewis Hamilton re-grows sideburns while Max Verstappen and Carlos Sainz make TV advert for L'Oreal.
May:
Lewis Hamilton re-shaves sideburns and copies the fringe of the singer from the Human League. Nico Rosberg finds a hamster inside his helmet. Gene Haas tries to add a few drops of RED-EX to the teams fuel tanks. The entire Barcelona pit goes up in smoke. Cricket Test Match GP in Kuala Lumpur cancelled and replaced with a Trolly Dash round Jenson Button's local Sainsbury's.
June:
Lewis Hamilton wins Canadian Grand Prix despite spending half the race trying to stop his new fringe getting caught in his visor. Nico Rosberg finds an adder inside his helmet. Post-British GP rock concert transferred to Glastonbury. Fernando Alonso finally quits Mc'Laren and goes to compete in the World Scalextric Championship.
July:
Lewis Hamilton trims his Human League fringe and grows a moustache. Nico Rosberg finds a parrot inside his helmet. Max Verstappen and Carlos Sainz make TV advert for Gillette. Lewis Hamilton shaves his new moustache off after Murray Walker calls him 'Nigel'.
August:
FIA announce slick tyres are to be banned and replaced by wheels made from Adamantium. Lap times slowed by 24 seconds per lap. Max Verstappen and Carlos Sainz make TV advert for the Belgian Slipper Manufacturing Company. Nico Rosberg finds a badger inside his helmet. Lewis Hamilton dyes his hair blond aka Jacques Villeneuve France '97'.
September:
Italian victory at Monza after all foreign cars are refused entry. Franz Tost said to be delighted. Nico Rosberg finds a chicken inside his helmet. Bernie Ecclestone announces that FOCUPS is to change it's name again to Formula One Constructors International Transactions. Christian Horner and Toto Wolff complain they are now represented by FOCIT.
October:
Malaysian Grand Prix replaced at last moment by originally scheduled Cricket Match in Kuala Lumpur, Kimi Raikkonen scores a century and also takes 6 wickets for 23 runs. Lewis Hamilton gets a Naval Officer's haircut, but the Naval Officer is none too pleased.
November:
Bernie Eccelstone tries to organise a Grand Prix in Hawaii but can't tear himself away from the Baywatch lookalikes. Nico Rosberg finds Bear Grylls looking at his crash helmet; the assault charges are due to be resolved in the Old Bailey next year.
December:
Bernie Ecclestone announces the entire World Championship will be held on each planet of the solar system after signing a new title sponsorship agreement with the Klingon Empire. Kimi Raikkonen complains he won't be able to have a choc ice during the Grand Prix of Mercury.
As if Formula One would ever get this mad, I mean, it's not like they have crazy rules, drivers more worried about their hairstyles and a crazy midget running around fiddling with everything, is it ?? ...
... oh bugger.