As you know, I am approaching 36 and I’ve never had anything even remotely approaching a girlfriend. When Damon Hill was 36, he won the Formula One World Championship. When Frank Bruno was 36, he won the World Heavyweight Championship. When Steve McQueen was 36, he made "The Great Escape".
When I turn 36 I shall probably make some tacos and cocktails and spend all day wondering my my belly button, having previously been an 'inny' ever since I emerged into this cruel, dark world of ours, is threatening to become an 'outy'. Now, I’m pretty unremarkable in most respects – neither fantastically attractive (if only), nor absolutely hideous. I’ve got plenty of friends, male and female. They always express confusion and disbelief that I’ve been unable to get a girlfriend in the 20 years or so I’ve been interested in the idea.
Admittedly, I am a burnt-out, hard-bitten, cynical cliché of a man. And, like most misanthropes, what has fuelled my pessimism - ironically - is my optimism. When you go through life expecting intelligence, honesty and fairness, but you get Made in Chelsea, The Only Way is Essex, and Prop 8 ... you should be in the least bit surprised that you tend to become a bitter grump.
Apart from this, I’ve lived a full and active life, but somehow this particular aspect has passed me by. It’s a cliché, but it really did seem seem like one day all my friends were suddenly shacked up with a partner and squeezing out kids right, left and centre. The older I get, I don’t even know how to go about meeting women – I work in an almost exclusively male environment and most of my interests are male-dominated activities. I’ve heard the advice about salsa dancing for instance, but I think I’d be so awkward that my desperation would be obvious ( seeing as I have the rhythm of a drunken octopus and the flexibility of a bungalow ).
Just as Groucho Marx famously said, “I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member,” men famously do not want what they can have with ease, especially women (can you imagine if men selected fruit using the same criteria? Durian sales would go through the roof). Because women as a species are so fundamentally and intrinsically aloof emotionally, although not necessarily physically, they become the giant stuffed unicorn at the sideshow ring-toss game. Even when the action’s fixed, winning the prize becomes an obsession, and guys keep on playing, long past the point of reasonable expenditure.
So while I’d love to be able to introduce a girlfriend to family and friends, the chances are surely becoming smaller the older I get. And fatter. The problem is simple though. Women seem to assume that a "nice guy" who doesn't get far with a girl is merely using a dating strategy whilst really being an arsehole underneath, and I think this is overly cynical. Yes, that's rich coming from me, but hear me out for a second.
Some guys just get genuinely nervous around girls and don't portray themselves in the best possible light even though, underneath it all, they are decent people. Sure, there are predators and passport-seekers out there, but to follow the logic of women is to just not give any guy a real chance whatsoever because of the amount of power they have bestowed upon themselves. I think this is actually a big misunderstanding - people have different definitions of "nice". Women for example, seems to define a nice guy as someone who is agreeable and inoffensive, whereas I and many others would describe him as someone with integrity who has good morals and really sticks to them.
But of course this is real life. You're not attracted to someone just because you think they're morally good. But at the same time it does feel like a kick in the teeth when you have to hear incessant whinging from your female friends about their arsehole boyfriends when you're still single despite their praise of you. It just doesn't seem to add up. And if we weren't really nice guys, they wouldn't even want to be friends with us. Plus there are a hell of a lot of girls that I know that I don't necessarily fancy but who insist on staying with guys that treat them like crap.
Yes "nice guy" behaviour is significantly motivated by a desire to find a girlfriend. However, the fact that this is turned into an accusation is completely ridiculous and typical of women to flex the muscle and power of rejection that they crave and desire to delpoy so often and so much.
Most men have an instinctive desire to have sex with women. This is why our species still exists. However It's not all about sex. I don't think it's even mostly about sex. There is massive external and internal pressure on men to have female attention. A man's status and, as a result, frequently his self-esteem depends greatly on his success with women. Also, there is a level of emotional connection which men in general cannot get from other men. As such, female attention is a major motivator for men in general. Not just "nice guys". A great deal of male behaviour, whether consciously or not, comes from this. Why is this desire only considered sinister when it is expressed by being nice?
Personally, I never felt entitled to anything for my being nice. In a race, everyone but the winner will feel some disappointment. Does that mean they all felt entitled to victory? There's nothing wrong with having high moral standards just because you women don't. It just sets up a situation where the nice guy cannot see why he is compared unfavourably to another guy who isn't as nice. Nice guys are just generally men who lack a little bit of 'confidence'. This is probably the primary reason they are unsuccessful but it is also the reason they choose the nice-guy strategy. Because of way the women wield the power of rejection around like He-Man waving his sword about, they feel they don't have anything to offer women except being nice.
This is why I am so upset by these attacks on nice guys. Do we build them up so they can be what women actually want? Nope. We kick them while they are down. Shaming them for daring to want a relationship with a woman and eroding the little 'confidence' you unfairly demand they have and then going off of your power trip shoving rejection in every decent upstanding guy's direction. And whilst we're at it, it probably would be a good idea for every woman on this planet to get a dictionary and look up the differences between the words 'confidence' and 'arrogance'. You'd be surprised how much of a chasm there is between them.
Bitter, much, but I think the truth is that attraction is separate from morality and it cuts both ways. I'm not attracted to women who I don't feel at least some physical attraction to even if they are nice, and likewise some guys just aren't good at getting their good points across to girls. Just don't assume that the unsuccessful "nice guys" of which you speak are really just "jerks in disguise.
And here's a little bonus tip whilst we're at it … when a guy takes the time to remember your birthday and buys you a card … DO. NOT. EVER. TELL. HIM; "That's so sweet, you're so cute …", then excitedly tell him how much you're looking forward to the red-hot date you've got lined up that night. Unless of course he has a hardly-read blog on the internet, in which case thanks for the material and the inadvertent inspiration. I hope your date went well, but remember that hair wax is a bugger to get out of your pubic hairs and cheap aftershave can really sting your labia.
Mind you, it might also make for some handy emergency contraception just in case you've forgotten to ask if your date actually has any (or if he can even spell the damn word) whilst gazing absent-mindedly at the dopey sod's rippling abs that are the expected minimum standard in order to be allowed to have sex at all these days.
Now though, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch "Only Connect", a highly-intellectual television programme hosted by a blonde-haired woman who has very large breasts and an equally big I.Q to go with them.
She's married to the comedian David Mitchell.
Go figure, ladies.
Go figure.