Saturday, 26 March 2016

FANTASY FORMULA ONE

(Disclaimer: This post WAS meant to be published before the Australian Grand Prix, and therefore before the farcical qualifying system that was about as entertaining as a programme on BBC4 in which a man with a beard explains why air is see-though ...)

January:
Organisers of the new European Grand Prix in Azerbaijan issue a statement denying that the track is too dangerous for Formula One, but it is unrecieved as all the press fall down a ravine on their way to the track. Lewis Hamilton grows sideburns to look more aggressive. Nico Rosberg finds a goldfish in his helmet. New Haas launched in controversy when someone points out that the word 'Ferrari' is faintly visible under the paintwork. Max Verstappen & Carlos Sainz make TV advert for Old Spice.

February:
Malaysian GP moved from Kuala Lumpur to Knockhill at the request of Sir Jackie Stewart and is renamed the Albanian GP. Nico Rosberg finds a ferret in his helmet. Bernie Ecclestone announces FOCA will be renamed as Formula One Constructor's Union & Properties Society. Toto Wolff and Christian Horner unhappy that they now are represented by FOCUPS.

March:
Australian GP is again threatened by both environmentalists and also people who cannot receive 'Eastenders' on BBC1. Banners read "Save Albert Park and Albert Square." Lewis Hamilton shaves his sideburns. Nico Rosberg finds an iguana in his helmet. Kimi Raikkonen wins Bahrain GP, lapping everybody twice after he finds out Finland is also leading the Eurovision Song Contest. Algerian GP cancelled and replaced with an inter-driver Cricket match in Kuala Lumpor.

April:
Lewis Hamilton voted 'Best Dressed Man in Formula One', the judging panel includes Worzel Gummidge, Bob Geldof, and Gok Wan wearing some very dark sunglasses. Nico Rosberg finds a kitten inside his helmet. Lewis Hamilton re-grows sideburns while Max Verstappen and Carlos Sainz make TV advert for L'Oreal.

May:
Lewis Hamilton re-shaves sideburns and copies the fringe of the singer from the Human League. Nico Rosberg finds a hamster inside his helmet. Gene Haas tries to add a few drops of RED-EX to the teams fuel tanks. The entire Barcelona pit goes up in smoke. Cricket Test Match GP in Kuala Lumpur cancelled and replaced with a Trolly Dash round Jenson Button's local Sainsbury's.

June:
Lewis Hamilton wins Canadian Grand Prix despite spending half the race trying to stop his new fringe getting caught in his visor. Nico Rosberg finds an adder inside his helmet. Post-British GP rock concert transferred to Glastonbury. Fernando Alonso finally quits Mc'Laren and goes to compete in the World Scalextric Championship.

July:
Lewis Hamilton trims his Human League fringe and grows a moustache. Nico Rosberg finds a parrot inside his helmet. Max Verstappen and Carlos Sainz make TV advert for Gillette. Lewis Hamilton shaves his new moustache off after Murray Walker calls him 'Nigel'.

August:
FIA announce slick tyres are to be banned and replaced by wheels made from Adamantium. Lap times slowed by 24 seconds per lap. Max Verstappen and Carlos Sainz make TV advert for the Belgian Slipper Manufacturing Company. Nico Rosberg finds a badger inside his helmet. Lewis Hamilton dyes his hair blond aka Jacques Villeneuve France '97'.

September:
Italian victory at Monza after all foreign cars are refused entry. Franz Tost said to be delighted. Nico Rosberg finds a chicken inside his helmet. Bernie Ecclestone announces that FOCUPS is to change it's name again to Formula One Constructors International Transactions. Christian Horner and Toto Wolff complain they are now represented by FOCIT.

October:
Malaysian Grand Prix replaced at last moment by originally scheduled Cricket Match in Kuala Lumpur, Kimi Raikkonen scores a century and also takes 6 wickets for 23 runs. Lewis Hamilton gets a Naval Officer's haircut, but the Naval Officer is none too pleased.

November:
Bernie Eccelstone tries to organise a Grand Prix in Hawaii but can't tear himself away from the Baywatch lookalikes. Nico Rosberg finds Bear Grylls looking at his crash helmet; the assault charges are due to be resolved in the Old Bailey next year.

December:
Bernie Ecclestone announces the entire World Championship will be held on each planet of the solar system after signing a new title sponsorship agreement with the Klingon Empire. Kimi Raikkonen complains he won't be able to have a choc ice during the Grand Prix of Mercury.

As if Formula One would ever get this mad, I mean, it's not like they have crazy rules, drivers more worried about their hairstyles and a crazy midget running around fiddling with everything, is it ?? ...

... oh bugger.

Wednesday, 9 March 2016

DIARY OF A PROFESSIONAL IDIOT

Monday: 
Started construction on a second prototype. It's proving difficult without Johnson because he had nicked all the sellotape. Underson told me he should be back next week. He also told me to push the project ahead, as both Sony and McDonalds are working on rotating spoons. We need to get ours on the market ASAP, even if it does cost a few more lives. Stopped off at the library on the way home - everyone had drowned.

Tuesday:
Underson revealed the full details of my new task this morning. They want a revolving dessert spoon. It needs to hold at least 3 types of sweet, two internally and one on the spoon itself. Design seems simple - should have a working prototype by the end of the week. First blueprints already produced and look promising. Stopped off at the library on the way home - still no water.

Wednesday:
Have constructed a scale model of the spoon, but Johnson can't make gears small enough for it to work. The principle seems sound but the prototype will be the first real test. Underson has authorised me to proceed with testing, providing that the wind doesn't change. Don't understand why. Came home to discover a note from the post office - they tried to deliver a parcel when I was at work. There was also a screaming man with a loaded shotgun in the bathroom. I arranged for the parcel to be delivered Saturday morning.

Thursday:
Crashed the car on the way to work this morning. Too many Rory Bremner impersonators on the road again - had to swerve into a ditch. Car was pulled out by some brown thing. Only minor damage fortunately - a scratched headlight and a chafed spark plug. Arrived 20 minutes late, to discover Johnson putting the prototype together. He's done well - I may let his wife live after all. Construction was complete by 4pm, but I wanted to finish some diagnostics and the Metro crossword. Will test first thing tomorrow. Stopped off at the library on the way home - still no water!

Friday:
Protoype testing went well - only 3 people were killed, although Johnson was horribly maimed. Basic design is sound but a few wrinkles need to be ironed out ... I think the poisoned needles may be gratuitous after all. Underson was very pleased and offered me a small pay rise. Received a note of commendation from the Bee Gees as well. I'm very pleased with Johnson's work - I may make him my personal assistant when his arm is stitched back on. Was late home after writing up the results, so I telephoned the library. STILL no water.

Saturday:
Was awoken by the postman with the parcel. I'd forgotten all about it. Inside was a box full of odd socks and an egg whisk. Mother must be ill again. Decided to get rid of the bricks left over from the barbecue. I put them in a bag, weighed it down with some kittens and threw it in the river. Some maniac screamed abuse at me and fished it out!

Sunday:
Didn't sleep well. Kept having the nightmare about the bucket of pens. Spent most of the day watching videos and eating almonds and watercress. Went for a walk in the afternoon. I found a big stick and attacked a stranger with it. Don't know why.

Tuesday, 1 March 2016

A-Z OF THINGS I HATE ABOUT GOING TO THE MOVIES

A is for: Advertising
Go to the cinema 20 years ago and you would be treated to cheaply-produced adverts for local restaurants, amusement arcades and bridal fashion shops, which usually consisted of a single piece of cardboard held in front of the camera, wobbling in and out of focus, which had a telephone number and logo on it. Then it would be 20th Century Fox or something and they got the on with the film.

Now it’s a glut of spoilerific trailers, more adverts than ITV ruin their Football coverage with, a test of the THX audio and visual systems that melt your retinas and shred your eardrums, and it’s always ‘A Cheeky Monkey Title’, or ‘A Cheeky Monkey Production’, or ‘A Cheeky Monkey Project’ … who cares !! I JUST WANT TO WATCH THE SODDING FILM !!

B is for: Blues Brothers 2000
An absolute travesty of entertainment which urinates on all the good things from it's predecessor, including John Belushi’s rotting corpse.

C is for: Carry On Films
How to write a Carry On Film in 5 Easy Steps; Bernard Bresslaw chases after Jim Dale, who trips and knocks into Barbara Windsor. Her bra flies off, hits Charles Haughtry in the face and Kenneth Williams says "Oooooh!" Sid James looks at Windsor's breasts and laughs like a stalling tractor engine. Hattie Jacques scolds him. The End.

D is for: Dark 
As in glasses, black suits, black ties, and possibly a hat or earpiece. People who wear black suits with black ties are so common in movies that they might as well just turn the camera off.

E is for: Edward Scissorhands
Modern-day fairy-tale conceived and directed by the interestingly twisted Tim Burton. Plans are allegedly afoot for a sequel involving new characters Richard Calculatorears, John Rulerpenis and Jemima Pencilerasorknees.

F is for: Full frontal nudity
A sure-fire way to get any film an 18 rating and add several thousands of pounds to it's takings at the box-office is to feature lots of lady bumps, and the odd one-eyed trouser snake. At least, that was, until it became commonplace on Channel 4 in the mid 1990‘s.

G is for: Git
That insufferable man who deliberately sits in the seat behind you in the cinema, and spends the entire film crunching gravel out of a crisp packet fitted with a 900-watt amplifier borrowed from the Foo Fighters.

H is for: Harvey Keitel
Mean Streets, Bad Lieutenant, Reservoir Dogs. He specialises in playing mean gangster-type people, which curiously fails to explain why he was in kiddie-ape film “Dunston Checks In“. My Dad likes that film, because it feature mindless cartoon violence.

I is for: India
I still haven't seen a Bollywood film. I think it was one of my new year's resolutions in 2002 …

J is for: Jar-Jar Binks
It has been suggested that Binks represents a human being created by over 500 generations worth of inbreeding. His place in the British royal family is assured. Since I hate the Star Wars prequels and would rather allow a diaphoretic buffalo to poop into my ear than watch them, I really don’t give a toss.

K is for: Kill Jar-Jar Binks, Jar-Jar Binks must die, Jar-Jar Binks death
Items that appear under the "popular searches" heading on Google if you search for "Jar-Jar Binks". Peter Kay’s Doctor Who monster was worse, but what the hell ??

L is for: Live action versions of cartoon series
Cartoons are cartoons - they - are - not - real !! Unless you're watching Cool World. And that had a cartoon / human bonk scene in it.

M is for: Mystery Science Theatre 3000
The format: A crappy old horror film is shown. Superimposed on the bottom are a row of cinema seats, two of which are occupied by strangely shaped robot puppets. As the film is shown they take the piss out of it. And that's about it. Now superseded by Rifftrax and the Nostalgia Critic.

N is for: No point in watching this whatsoever
Fifty Shades of Grey.

O is for: Orange, A Clockwork
Beethoven loving sociopath Alex likes nothing better than to get out of his face on drugged milk and commit some "ultra-violence" - until he is treated with equal brutality by the penal system. Banned by the director, it was re-released following Kubrick's death. The film is now unsettling for one reason: the portrayal of Britain in the near-future looks exactly like Alum Rock.

P is for: Pi
Tedious, plodding, pretentious twaddle - a fair description of Pi. Filmed entirely in black and white, it centres around a mathematician who is about to solve an equation that explains the universe. Or something along those lines, anyway. Later reshot as "Life of Pi", which sounds like a Gok Wan cook book.

Q is for: Quigley Down Under
The only film I can come up with off the top of my head which starts with the letter Q. Except Q: The Winged Serpent. And that wasn’t a proper film.

R is for: Rewriting History
America won and everyone else lost. Period. Hollywood is effecting the necessary historical changes. Apparently us Brits were too busy drinking Pimms and waxing our moustaches to get into the planes and fight, so Ben Affleck did all by himself. And the American’s DID NOT lose the Vietnam War … it was a score draw.

S is for: SenSurround
An early 90’s cinematic gimmick which entailed having whacking huge bass speakers screwed into the floor of the theatre. All the seats would then shake at strategic points in the plot, providing 'force feedback' feature for the audience. The idea was great for films about earthquakes and volcanoes, but somewhat redundant for documentaries and films about romance and teenage angst. And when someone shat themselves during the bit of “Jurassic Park” when the T-Rex makes it's first appearance, it was game over.

T is for: Twilight.
If you would excuse me, I am now going to be rather hideously sick.

U is for: U-571
See: Rewriting history.

V is for: Video Games
Dear Hollywood … can you possibly please, please, please, please, please, please, please just STOP making any more movies based on Video Games. They will suck. They just will.

W is for: Worst movie of all time
Titanic - you have to wait 2 bloody hours for the good bit where the boat sinks and DiCaprio drowns. Then you need not watch the rest of it.

X is for: X-Men
Best movie to be spun-off from a comic book. Ever. Period. Apart from Deadpool. And probably Avengers Endgame.

Y is for: You don't need to watch the movie because …
Save time, money and retinal wear by just reading the following list and not bothering to see the film;
* The Usual Suspects: Kevin Spacey's cripple character is Kaiser Sozay.
* Fight Club: Tyler is a schizophrenic extension of the protaganist's personality.
* The Sixth Sense: HE’S ALREADY DEAD !!
* The Crying Game: She’s a guy in drag.
* The Blair Witch Project: They all die and you never see anything.
* Titanic: The boat sinks and DiCaprio drowns. (See: Worst move of all time)
* Twilight: Nothing even remotely interesting happens the whole way through.
* Scream: The killer is the boyfriend, working with an accomplice.

Z is for: Zulu
Second most watched film by me and my Grandad when I was off school with Chickenpox. (most watched btw … is The Great Escape)