DIARY OF A PROFESSIONAL IDIOT

Monday: 

Started construction on a second prototype. It's proving difficult without Johnson because he had nicked all the sellotape. Underson told me he should be back next week. He also told me to push the project ahead, as both Sony and McDonalds are working on rotating spoons. We need to get ours on the market ASAP, even if it does cost a few more lives. Stopped off at the library on the way home - everyone had drowned.

Tuesday:

Underson revealed the full details of my new task this morning. They want a revolving dessert spoon. It needs to hold at least 3 types of sweet, two internally and one on the spoon itself. Design seems simple - should have a working prototype by the end of the week. First blueprints already produced and look promising. Stopped off at the library on the way home - still no water.

Wednesday:

Have constructed a scale model of the spoon, but Johnson can't make gears small enough for it to work. The principle seems sound but the prototype will be the first real test. Underson has authorised me to proceed with testing, providing that the wind doesn't change. Don't understand why. Came home to discover a note from the post office - they tried to deliver a parcel when I was at work. There was also a screaming man with a loaded shotgun in the bathroom. I arranged for the parcel to be delivered Saturday morning.

Thursday:

Crashed the car on the way to work this morning. Too many Rory Bremner impersonators on the road again - had to swerve into a ditch. Car was pulled out by some brown thing. Only minor damage fortunately - a scratched headlight and a chafed spark plug. Arrived 20 minutes late, to discover Johnson putting the prototype together. He's done well - I may let his wife live after all. Construction was complete by 4pm, but I wanted to finish some diagnostics and the Metro crossword. Will test first thing tomorrow. Stopped off at the library on the way home - still no water!

Friday:

Protoype testing went well - only 3 people were killed, although Johnson was horribly maimed. Basic design is sound but a few wrinkles need to be ironed out ... I think the poisoned needles may be gratuitous after all. Underson was very pleased and offered me a small pay rise. Received a note of commendation from the Bee Gees as well. I'm very pleased with Johnson's work - I may make him my personal assistant when his arm is stitched back on. Was late home after writing up the results, so I telephoned the library. STILL no water.

Saturday:

Was awoken by the postman with the parcel. I'd forgotten all about it. Inside was a box full of odd socks and an egg whisk. Mother must be ill again. Decided to get rid of the bricks left over from the barbecue. I put them in a bag, weighed it down with some kittens and threw it in the river. Some maniac screamed abuse at me and fished it out!

Sunday:

Didn't sleep well. Kept having the nightmare about the bucket of pens. Spent most of the day watching videos and eating almonds and watercress. Went for a walk in the afternoon. I found a big stick and attacked a stranger with it. Don't know why.

A-Z OF THINGS I HATE ABOUT GOING TO THE MOVIES

A is for: Advertising

Go to the cinema 20 years ago and you would be treated to cheaply-produced adverts for local restaurants, amusement arcades and bridal fashion shops, which usually consisted of a single piece of cardboard held in front of the camera, wobbling in and out of focus, which had a telephone number and logo on it. Then it would be 20th Century Fox or something and they got the on with the film.

Now it’s a glut of spoilerific trailers, more adverts than ITV ruin their Football coverage with, a test of the THX audio and visual systems that melt your retinas and shred your eardrums, and it’s always ‘A Cheeky Monkey Title’, or ‘A Cheeky Monkey Production’, or ‘A Cheeky Monkey Project’ … who cares !! I JUST WANT TO WATCH THE SODDING FILM !!

B is for: Blues Brothers 2000

An absolute travesty of entertainment which urinates on all the good things from it's predecessor, including John Belushi’s rotting corpse.

C is for: Carry On Films

How to write a Carry On Film in 5 Easy Steps; Bernard Bresslaw chases after Jim Dale, who trips and knocks into Barbara Windsor. Her bra flies off, hits Charles Haughtry in the face and Kenneth Williams says "Oooooh!" Sid James looks at Windsor's breasts and laughs like a stalling tractor engine. Hattie Jacques scolds him. The End.

D is for: Dark 

As in glasses, black suits, black ties, and possibly a hat or earpiece. People who wear black suits with black ties are so common in movies that they might as well just turn the camera off.

E is for: Edward Scissorhands

Modern-day fairy-tale conceived and directed by the interestingly twisted Tim Burton. Plans are allegedly afoot for a sequel involving new characters Richard Calculatorears, John Rulerpenis and Jemima Pencilerasorknees.

F is for: Full frontal nudity

A sure-fire way to get any film an 18 rating and add several thousands of pounds to it's takings at the box-office is to feature lots of lady bumps, and the odd one-eyed trouser snake. At least, that was, until it became commonplace on Channel 4 in the mid 1990‘s.

G is for: Git

That insufferable man who deliberately sits in the seat behind you in the cinema, and spends the entire film crunching gravel out of a crisp packet fitted with a 900-watt amplifier borrowed from the Foo Fighters.

H is for: Harvey Keitel

Mean Streets, Bad Lieutenant, Reservoir Dogs. He specialises in playing mean gangster-type people, which curiously fails to explain why he was in kiddie-ape film “Dunston Checks In“. My Dad likes that film, because it feature mindless cartoon violence.

I is for: India

I still haven't seen a Bollywood film. I think it was one of my new year's resolutions in 2002 …

J is for: Jar-Jar Binks

It has been suggested that Binks represents a human being created by over 500 generations worth of inbreeding. His place in the British royal family is assured. Since I hate the Star Wars prequels and would rather allow a diaphoretic buffalo to poop into my ear than watch them, I really don’t give a toss.

K is for: Kill Jar-Jar Binks, Jar-Jar Binks must die, Jar-Jar Binks death

Items that appear under the "popular searches" heading on Google if you search for "Jar-Jar Binks". Peter Kay’s Doctor Who monster was worse, but what the hell ??

L is for: Live action versions of cartoon series

Cartoons are cartoons - they - are - not - real !! Unless you're watching Cool World. And that had a cartoon / human bonk scene in it.

M is for: Mystery Science Theatre 3000

The format: A crappy old horror film is shown. Superimposed on the bottom are a row of cinema seats, two of which are occupied by strangely shaped robot puppets. As the film is shown they take the piss out of it. And that's about it. Now superseded by Rifftrax and the Nostalgia Critic.

N is for: No point in watching this whatsoever

Fifty Shades of Grey.

O is for: Orange, A Clockwork

Beethoven loving sociopath Alex likes nothing better than to get out of his face on drugged milk and commit some "ultra-violence" - until he is treated with equal brutality by the penal system. Banned by the director, it was re-released following Kubrick's death. The film is now unsettling for one reason: the portrayal of Britain in the near-future looks exactly like Alum Rock.

P is for: Pi

Tedious, plodding, pretentious twaddle - a fair description of Pi. Filmed entirely in black and white, it centres around a mathematician who is about to solve an equation that explains the universe. Or something along those lines, anyway. Later reshot as "Life of Pi", which sounds like a Gok Wan cook book.

Q is for: Quigley Down Under

The only film I can come up with off the top of my head which starts with the letter Q. Except Q: The Winged Serpent. And that wasn’t a proper film.

R is for: Rewriting History

America won and everyone else lost. Period. Hollywood is effecting the necessary historical changes. Apparently us Brits were too busy drinking Pimms and waxing our moustaches to get into the planes and fight, so Ben Affleck did all by himself. And the American’s DID NOT lose the Vietnam War … it was a score draw.

S is for: SenSurround

An early 90’s cinematic gimmick which entailed having whacking huge bass speakers screwed into the floor of the theatre. All the seats would then shake at strategic points in the plot, providing 'force feedback' feature for the audience. The idea was great for films about earthquakes and volcanoes, but somewhat redundant for documentaries and films about romance and teenage angst. And when someone shat themselves during the bit of “Jurassic Park” when the T-Rex makes it's first appearance, it was game over.

T is for: Twilight.

If you would excuse me, I am now going to be rather hideously sick.

U is for: U-571

See: Rewriting history.

V is for: Video Games

Dear Hollywood … can you possibly please, please, please, please, please, please, please just STOP making any more movies based on Video Games. They will suck. They just will.

W is for: Worst movie of all time

Titanic - you have to wait 2 bloody hours for the good bit where the boat sinks and DiCaprio drowns. Then you need not watch the rest of it.

X is for: X-Men

Best movie to be spun-off from a comic book. Ever. Period. Apart from Deadpool. And probably Avengers Endgame.

Y is for: You don't need to watch the movie because …

Save time, money and retinal wear by just reading the following list and not bothering to see the film;

* The Usual Suspects: Kevin Spacey's cripple character is Kaiser Sozay.

* Fight Club: Tyler is a schizophrenic extension of the protaganist's personality.

* The Sixth Sense: HE’S ALREADY DEAD !!

* The Crying Game: She’s a guy in drag.

* The Blair Witch Project: They all die and you never see anything.

* Titanic: The boat sinks and DiCaprio drowns. (See: Worst move of all time)

* Twilight: Nothing even remotely interesting happens the whole way through.

* Scream: The killer is the boyfriend, working with an accomplice.

Z is for: Zulu

Second most watched film by me and my Grandad when I was off school with Chickenpox. (most watched btw … is The Great Escape)

FOR THE RECORD

During my days as an anaesthetised teenager I had something of an obsession with records. No, I'm not talking about the "two turntables and a mic, watch me scratch this beat behind my back" kind of records, but more on the unsurpassed accomplishment exploit type of records.

If I wasn't studying the Guinness Book of World Records like it was my bible, I was coming home to break my own personal records on a regular basis. From trying to break my personal best in the garden pond long-jump, from having vomit-inducing speed eating contests with my friends, I even think I had a string of 20 straight victories in the age old immature game of pencil fighting.

Aren't there certain in things in life that you feel that you do so often that you should hold some sort of record for it ?? Have you ever played your favourite song constantly, visited a store an ungodly amount of times, said a phrase that you have uttered a million times to the point that if Guinness was around documenting your repetitive behaviour, somewhere a pimply kid will be reading about your exploits in a yearly record book ??

Why is it though, however, there is always something that can be measured, always someone trying to get the longest, shortest, highest, biggest, smallest or just the most stupidly useless ?? There are some really cool records in the Guinness Book of World Records, which is great, since when I think of world records being set, I associate it with the Olympics, or these other great events that give inspiration and motivation. However, there are also some of the most ridiculous / stupid / useless records in here too.

You just have to roll your eyes at the man who decided that it would be a significant achievement in the history of mankind to get a car through a gap a whole 1cm narrower than the previous record. Sure, he managed to do it on two wheels, but seriously, if you really want to get through a narrow gap on two wheels, wouldn’t it be a lot easier just to get on a motorbike ??

We also had some poor deluded soul from London who decided to spend his time trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records by eating the most Ferrero Rocher chocolates in one minute. What great figure did he consume, I hear your cry ?? A truly earth-shattering, mind-boggling, truly astonishing total of … five.

Now, I am no expert on the subject and I certainly don’t have a PhD in Chocolate Consumption, nor am I especially fond of Ferrero Rocher chocolates, which basically have all the taste and nutritional value of reconstituted cardboard dipped in the contents of my Nan's old Hoover bag, but I would say that biting a mere five choccies in sixty seconds is a little bit of a pitiful attempt. Unless they had to be consumed through a straw. Up his nose.

Of course, sometimes you don’t even need to go to any effort to be a record-breaker. According to theregister.co.uk, Colin Wells, a workshop foreman for Stagecoach Buses, is ‘the most spammed man in the United Kingdom’, with a staggering 44,000 e-mails reaching his inbox each day. Most of you would seriously think this as a sign that maybe it just might be about time to consider a change of e-mail address, but instead he lets the removal of junk mail consume his life after catching the accolade of having ‘the most …’ and challenging the rest of the world to try and top it.

But why ?! It’s about as pointless as trying to staple custard to the wall and about as much use as an ejector seat on a helicopter !! I don't know, maybe no one else feels this way, but the following are a list of things I feel I have done enough times to garner me a world record, if the good people at Guinness recorded such things;

* Most unconvincing impersonation of Prince Charles.

* Most half-arsed collection of Star Trek videos.

* Most heartless punishment of a pet hamster.

* Shortest attempt at a diet.

* Longest item left unsold on e-Bay.

* Most obviously made-up autobiography.

* Worst reason to avoid watching “Big Brother”.

* Least convincing attempt at building a rocket-propelled pogo stick.

* Least convincing attempt at creating a nuclear-powered, computer-controlled, intercontinental ballistic duck.