January: The world breathed a sigh of relief as the pandemic finally came to an end, thanks to the miraculous vaccine developed by a team of scientists in Antarctica. However, the celebration was short-lived, as a new virus emerged, dubbed "penguin flu", which was resistant to all existing vaccines and treatments. The only way to avoid infection was to wear a full-body suit made of feathers.
February: Elon Musk announced his plan to colonize Mars by 2030, and invited anyone who wanted to join him to sign up for a one-way ticket. Thousands of people applied, hoping to escape the chaos and misery on Earth. However, they soon discovered that the trip was not as glamorous as they had imagined, as they had to endure cramped spaceships, recycled food, and constant exposure to cosmic radiation every time they needed to take a sh*t.
March: A massive cyberattack crippled the internet, causing widespread panic and confusion. The hackers, who called themselves "The Luddites", claimed that they wanted to restore humanity to its natural state, free from technology and artificial intelligence. They demanded that all governments and corporations surrender their digital assets and devices, or face further attacks. The world was plunged into darkness, as people struggled to communicate, work, and entertain themselves without the internet. Those living in Hartlepool were unaffected.
April: A giant asteroid, named "Apophis", was detected heading towards Earth, with a high probability of impact. NASA launched a desperate mission to deflect it, using a nuclear bomb attached to a rocket. However, the bomb failed to detonate, and instead pushed the asteroid closer to Earth. The impact was expected to cause global devastation, mass extinction, and the postponement of a number of Scottish football league fixtures.
May: In a surprising twist of fate, Apophis missed Earth by a hair's breadth, thanks to a gravitational slingshot from the Moon. The world rejoiced, as the asteroid flew past harmlessly. However, the celebration was short-lived, as Apophis had been on course to land directly on Harry's Styles' house.
June: A mysterious phenomenon occurred, as millions of people around the world reported seeing visions of their deceased loved ones. Some believed that it was a sign of the afterlife, while others suspected that it was a hoax or a hallucination. Scientists were baffled by the phenomenon, until they realised that the Doctor Who episode "Army of Ghosts" had been released on Oculus Rift.
July: A global war broke out, as tensions between major powers escalated over various issues, such as climate change, trade disputes, territorial claims, nuclear proliferation, and who had pinched the last Kit-Kat from the UN biscuit tin. The war was fought with conventional weapons, as well as cyberwarfare and biological warfare. The death toll rose rapidly, as cities were bombed, infrastructure was destroyed, and diseases were spread. Those living in Hartlepool were unaffected.
August: A massive earthquake shook the planet, triggering volcanic eruptions and tsunamis. The quake was so powerful that it altered the Earth's axis and rotation speed, causing changes in the climate and seasons. The quake also opened up fissures in the crust, releasing ancient creatures and pathogens that had been dormant for millions of years. Those living in Hartlepool were unaffected, and a number of Scottish football league fixtures were postponed.
September: A cult leader named "The Messiah" emerged, claiming that he was sent by God to save humanity from the apocalypse. He amassed a large following of loyal disciples, who believed that he could perform miracles and heal the sick. He also claimed that he had a direct line to God, and that he knew when and how the world would end. However, his claims were dismissed as he was unable to predict if the 16:30 train to Dunstable would arrive on time.
October: A zombie outbreak occurred, as people who had been infected by the penguin flu mutated into flesh-eating monsters. The zombies were fast, strong, and intelligent, and could infect others with a bite or a scratch. They also had a peculiar preference for human brains over other organs. Katie Price was unaffected. A number of Scottish football league fixtures were postponed.
November: A alien invasion took place, as extra-terrestrial beings landed on Earth in massive spaceships. They claimed that they came in peace, and that they wanted to help humanity overcome its problems. However, they soon revealed their true intentions, as they began to abduct humans for experiments and harvest their resources for their own use. Those living in Hartlepool were unaffected, and a number of Scottish football league fixtures were postponed.
December: A miracle happened, as the world suddenly returned to normal. All the disasters and calamities that had plagued the year were reversed or erased, as if they had never happened. The people who had died or disappeared were restored to life or returned to their families. The planet was healed and restored to its original state. The cause of this miracle was unknown, but some speculated that it was a gift from God or a cosmic reset button. However, a number of Scottish football league fixtures were postponed.